1. Employee never paid me for baby clothes but now wants a reference

I left a job about 2.5 years ago on good terms. One of the people who worked for me (who was a great employee) reached out when I left and asked if I’d be hiring soon, which I wasn’t. I wanted to help her, and I did find a different job opening at another company and sent it to her. She applied and ultimately got the job.

Shortly after, she asked about baby items I was getting rid of. She asked if she could buy them from me (I had already given away a fair amount of maternity clothes and baby things for free) and I said I had several massive bins of clothes/shoes and that she could pick up the lot of clothing, pay me $1 per item, and return the bins and unwanted items. She picked them up and I never heard from her again. She never paid for anything, and I never received leftover clothing or my bins back. I realize the opportunity to ask was way back then, but truthfully I felt too petty to ask for an unknown amount of money or the storage bins (which I had to replace) but she also did not remotely hold up her end of the arrangement.

This week she contacted me asking if I’d be a reference. I said yes, then received a text from a third party with a link to a questionnaire. The instructions said this will take 30-40 mins to complete. Less than 24 hours later, she was reaching out asking when I’d have time to fill this out.

I am going to make good on my word and complete the questionnaire. This situation just rubs me the wrong way all around because it feels very one-sided. Would you say anything about this? Or is this just the risk you run when you try to do something nice within a workplace relationship?

There’s a pretty good chance that her absconding with your baby clothes and bins was just baby brain and she didn’t even realize she did it … but you are allowed to feel peeved by it!

That said, yeah, ideally you would have addressed it at the time by texting her when you hadn’t heard back within a couple of weeks to say, “Hey, just checking in — did you decide what you wanted and when is a good time to return the bins and anything you’re not taking?” I get why you didn’t, but if you’re going to be annoyed it’s nearly always better to just reach out and check.

I do think you’re right to complete the questionnaire because you said you would — and to continue being a reference for her if she was a great employee when you managed her. And because so much time has passed, I don’t think there’s a lot of point in raising the baby clothes now. If you have otherwise known her to be a responsible, conscientious person aside from this, you’re better off figuring that it slipped her mind at the time and she would have made it right if you’d contacted her. (And really, that is the grace we’d all want in her shoes if it was a genuine oversight.)

2. Should we be doing quarterly performance reviews?

My company recently moved from semi-annual to quarterly performance reviews, and I’m trying to figure out if my feelings about them are well-calibrated.

For context, I’ve spent most of my career at small companies without formal review processes. My current larger company is good at giving feedback so there’s nothing surprising in a review, and we have weekly 1:1s with managers to discuss goals and adjustments.

Many of my coworkers find self-reviews and peer feedback stressful enough that we have multiple long-running Slack channels dedicated to discussing them. I’m less stressed about the reviews themselves and more bothered that the whole process feels like a time sink box-checking exercise.

Our system has three ratings that essentially amount to: improvement needed by next quarter, doing fine, and doing excellent. I’m one of roughly 80–90% of the company who will land in the middle category. If someone needs to improve, they already know before the review. If someone is working toward a promotion, they have a general sense of what’s expected and can actually achieve one with a “doing fine” rating. The top rating is uncommon and not structurally achievable by everyone each quarter. Ratings do affect raises, so there’s real motivation behind them.

Given all that, is there a version of quarterly reviews that serves a genuine purpose? Or is what I’m describing closer to what you’d call work theater, a performance of performance management not the same outcome? And do you have general thoughts on what separates a well-designed review process from a performative one?

No, quarterly reviews in most cases are way too often! First, doing formal reviews well takes an enormous amount of time and energy (and if you’re not doing them well, there’s really no point to doing them that often). Second, that frequency just isn’t necessary if your managers are managing effectively; they should already be having ongoing conversations with people about how they’re doing, what’s going well, and anything that needs to change. If they’re not doing that, the solution is to better train those managers, not to implement quarterly bureaucratic time sucks.

I could see if it’s literally just a quick check-in with one of those three ratings and any accompanying discussion that needs to happen for a “needs” improvement” — that could be a way to ensure managers are staying on top of communicating about issues. But if it’s accompanied by the more detailed narrative that evaluations usually include, it’s just too much.

As for what makes a review process well-designed, I have some thoughts here:

how to make performance evaluations useful to your team
conducting strong performance evaluations
how managers mess up performance evaluations

4. Was I wrong to give input to my manager about our frustrating temp?

I am an individual contributor in a creative role at a small company. I’ve been there for about a year. I have many years of experience in this area and really enjoy this new company. The work is challenging, but fulfilling.

About three months ago, our team experienced an unexpected setback and we needed temporary support. They brought on the runner-up candidate for my role as a temp. This has been challenging. On a practical level, the temp doesn’t seem to thrive in the type of work our team does. Their experience comes mainly from freelance work and their skills don’t translate as well here; as a result, other team members often have to step in to fill gaps or rework deliverables. We are under a deadline and it doesn’t seem like I have a choice but to try to make this work, but it has added strain to an already high-pressure environment.

There are also interpersonal challenges. Their overall tone can come across as negative or tense, which affects team dynamics. I feel like there is friction between us because I “won” the full-time position. I find myself feeling judged on my work by this person. In meetings, they sometimes talk over me and can become visibly frazzled under stress. They seem to think that managers provide me with more support and training than them, but in reality, I’ve just been doing this for a decade and can work independently.

The complicating factor is that we do, in fact, need to hire another full-time person. The temp has expressed strong interest in staying on permanently. From a distance, this might seem like an easy solution: they already know the company, and hiring them would be efficient. However, I have serious reservations about whether they are the right long-term fit for this specific team. My concern is not that they lack talent — they clearly have strengths — but that their strengths don’t align with the demands of this role, and that the interpersonal friction may continue over time.

I recently shared this feedback with my manager and skip-level manager. I tried to focus on the work itself and the team’s needs, but I worry that my personal frustrations may be influencing my perspective more than I realize. Was it appropriate for me to voice concerns about hiring this person full-time? Did I just come across as not a team player to management? Am I overstepping by weighing in so strongly on what could be seen as a management decision? More broadly, how do I distinguish between legitimate concerns about team fit and performance versus personal irritation with a someone?

Yes, when your team is considering hiring a temp full-time and you’ve been working closely with that temp and have input that could be relevant, you absolutely should offer it. Your input presumably wasn’t “I don’t like Jane”; it was about real work issues, like the skills gap that causes other coworkers to have to step in to redo her work. In your manager’s shoes, I’d want to hear about the interpersonal issues too (I want a team that works well together and where people are collegial; someone who regularly talks over others, gets visibly frazzled under stress, or is inappropriately competitive with a peer can be coached, but I’d want to be aware that those are issues as I’m making a hiring decision and not find out about them later if someone could have filled me in earlier.)

To your question about how to distinguish between legitimate concerns and personal irritation, think of it terms of work impact. Skills or lack thereof: highly relevant. Work habits or approaches that make more work for others: highly relevant. Interpersonal habits that are generally recognized as rude (not listening when someone is talking, interrupting, letting stress affect the environment for everyone else): also relevant. Personal habits that are more like pet peeves (gum chewing, uptalk, taking about their social life an annoying amount): usually not relevant (although even there, sometimes it could be relevant — for example, someone who talks non-stop to the point that it’s disruptive to other people’s ability to focus).

4. Changing my name in my email after I get married

I’m probably overthinking this. I recently got married and I’m changing my last name. My company is going to assign me a new email address, and I’ll only have access to the old one for two weeks (too short, in my opinion, but I don’t make the rules). Would it be weird for me to put my maiden name in parentheses in the signature block of my new email for a while, like this:

Miranda (Stewpot) Warbleworth

We deal a lot with people who only know us through the computer, and I think it would be nice for them to see that it’s the same person. If this is okay, how long should I do it for?

Note, I’m positive my company will have no opinion on this. I just want to make sure I’m not overthinking or being too emotional. It never occurred to me that I’d be a little sad to change my name, but it’s bittersweet.

Yes, you should absolutely do that, and it’s very normal when you change your name. Not weird at all! (What is weird is that your company won’t set the old email to forward to your new one, but so be it.)

As for how long … I’d say at least six months. The exception to that would be if you’re generally only emailed by people on a short-term basis and then you’re never in contact again (for example, if you sell a product but then pass the client on to your tech support team for everything after that). If that’s the case, you could keep it there for whatever the typical lifecycle of the relationship is plus a couple of months.

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I have an odd dilemma that I have no idea what to do about.

I started a new job recently and my cubicle has a really nice large window that looks out into the side garden, where there is a view of a hummingbird feeder and a bluebird nest box. I’m super appreciative of my nice view but the problem is, so is everybody else. As it’s warmed up and more birds are active, several coworkers have started just stopping in my doorway or stepping into my cubicle behind me to just … view the birds.

On one hand, I get it. I have a nice big window and most people don’t. But also, I find it super distracting to have people sneak up on me or just stand there creepily behind me while I’m trying to work.

What’s a nice way to handle this? I’m on the verge of being like, CAN I HELP YOU? I thought briefly about moving the feeder, but the box can’t be moved and it wouldn’t solve the problem, really.

Yeah, this was foreordained as soon as they put the nest box and feeder there. Of course people will want to look at it.

It would likely have been better located by a conference room or kitchen window, rather than at one person’s desk, but here you are.

Is there any chance you can just move desks? Maybe there’s not, but it might be worth saying to your boss, “I love the view at my desk, but I’m realizing people stop by all day to watch the birds and it’s really distracting. Any chance there’s a different desk I could use?”

If not, can you change the direction you’re facing so that people who stop by aren’t right in your line of sight? It’s still unnerving to know someone is standing behind you, but you might get better at blocking that out over time. You could also try arranging a piece of furniture to stop people from standing right behind you.

If none of that works, you could ask people who are lingering, “Do you need me?” and look at them expectantly. With some people, that will be enough to make them realize this is someone’s workspace they’re standing in. But other people will say no, they don’t need you, they’re just watching the birds. In those cases, you can decide if you want to say, “Yeah, they’re really cute! It’s hard to work with so many people coming in to watch them though.” You might not go straight to this the first time someone does it, but you might after the second or third.

That said, this is trickier because you’re new and you want to be warm and friendly to your new colleagues and not end up as The New Hire Who Ruined Our Bird Fun. Or possibly, The New Hire Who Kept the Birds All For Herself. So before you move to that, the better plan might be to spend a few weeks really trying to block people out. Realistically, I don’t know if you’ll be able to — I think I would find that really distracting too, and I am someone who can normally block out distractions when I’m working — but if you’ve made a good faith effort to do that before asking people to stop (plus allowed that additional time for people to get to know you as someone other than Bird Fun Destroyer) it’ll likely go over better when you do.

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If you’ve had your question answered here in the past, please email me an update and let us know how your situation turned out. Did you take the advice? Did you not take the advice? What happened? How’s your situation now?  (Don’t post your updates here though; email them to me.)

Your update doesn’t have to be positive or big to be worth submitting. We want to hear them all, even if you don’t think yours is that interesting.

And if there’s anyone you especially want to hear an update from, mention it here and I’ll reach out to those people directly.

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I’m in the position where I need to rethink my career path and have no idea where to begin. I enjoyed project management in the past, but the jobs I’m seeing are horribly underpaid relative to the workload. I’m currently an executive assistant and, while I can make it work, it’s a dead end and not fulfilling anymore. I can’t make ends meet with what I studied in undergrad, so I have to go back to the drawing board … but I also can’t afford start at an entry-level job. I’m fortunate in that I can go to grad school for the fall 2027 year … but for what? How does anyone figure this out?

I’ve had a few people I trust suggest paths (therapist, for example) but I have no idea if I’d actually like that job and I worry I wouldn’t know for certain until I’d already sunk time and money into a degree.

Does anyone have any advice for finding a career path that isn’t your One True Passion in life (I’ve found that, I can’t manage to get paid to do it) but isn’t so dull the apathy creeps in until you’re completely checked out?

Readers?

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1. My coworker wrote a sonnet about my absences

I am a teacher. We have professional development days every so often. I take sick time for about half of them. Recently on a PD day I was here for, one of the other teachers read (in front of my colleagues) a sonnet he wrote about me being absent frequently. It was written in a joking, or depending on how you look at it, mocking tone. I was kind of stunned in the moment while it was happening and laughed it off.

I don’t know this teacher very well, and he has only been in our district for a couple years. What he doesn’t know is that the reason I’m often absent on those days is that after my son died, I had a hard time coming back to work. I couldn’t make it through more than a week or so without being absent for one or two days. As part of a strategy to address that, my counselor and I came up with the idea to be absent on PD days and less on regular days — that way the absences were less impactful on me and the students, and being out only on PD days gave me a goal to reach. I got better slowly, but it’s still a process and I still struggle. PD days are still kind of a target to make it to for me — a kind of relief valve. I’m trying to be out less of them, but it’s slow progress.

The more I’ve thought about it, the more I feel like I have to respond to him, and I drafted an email (he works in another school and I have no desire to talk in person to him about this) professionally addressing the issue. In the email I told him why I am absent, and made it clear I’d not address this further. What’s your opinion on sending it? I just don’t feel like I can let it go, but I also have no desire to bring admin into the situation. Also, I feel like I should cc to the other teachers who were present when he read the poem.

I’m so sorry — both for your loss and for this ass writing a poem to mock your coping strategy. Even if you missed a lot of PD days for some less sympathetic reason, he would have been out of line, and it doesn’t sound like you have the sort of relationship with him where he could have reasonably expected that it would taken as good-humored ribbing.

I haven’t seen the email you’ve written, but as long as it’s short and matter-of-fact, just giving him the information he lacked, I think you can send it. If he has any sense at all, he’ll feel mortified, and he should. I’m less convinced that you should cc the other teachers … but I do wonder if there’s someone you’d be comfortable confiding in who would quietly fill in others who were there so that you don’t have to.

2. My boss asked me if I was job hunting because of her

I’m in an uncomfortable spot right now. My boss asked me point-blank during my yearly performance review if I was job hunting because of her. I deflected with a half truth — that I’m job hunting because I need to make more money, and the only way to do that is to move up into a management position, which isn’t a possibility at my current job.

The thing is, I’m also job hunting because of her. I could write a novel about her poor management, but that’s not the point of this email.

How can I address how inappropriate that was with both my boss and with my grandboss (her supervisor)? It was a supremely uncomfortable moment, but more so because it happened during a meeting regarding my performance review. I have no doubt that whatever facial reaction I gave negatively impacted the review, and I’ve already had upper management (my great-great-grandboss) ask me about my review since it happened.

It’s not outrageously inappropriate for a manager to ask an employee if they’re job hunting, particularly in a review conversation where how things are going generally is being discussed. It can be a naive question because there’s no reason to assume they’ll get an honest answer, and it obviously can make the employee uncomfortable if that’s not information they care to share — but it’s not so inherently out-of-line that you should raise it afterwards.

I can’t tell if your manager already knew you were job-searching and only asked if it was because of her, or if she was asking whether you were job-searching, period. The former would make even more sense (“are there things we’re doing that are driving you to want to leave?” is a reasonable thing to ask about) but neither would change what I said in my first paragraph.

For what it’s worth, while she’s welcome to ask the question, you’re never obligated to disclose anything about a job search that you don’t want to disclose. In most cases, it makes sense that say that you’re not actively looking, regardless of whether or not you are. (There are some exceptions to this, but they’re very much exceptions.)

Related:
should I tell my boss I’m job-searching?

3. Why would a company announce layoffs in advance?

This article makes Meta sound awful but also says that in April, Meta announced that it would lay off about 8,000 people in May. Their head of human resources is quoted as saying, “I know this leaves everyone with nearly a month of ambiguity which is incredibly unsettling.”

Why would they publicly announce layoffs in this way? What’s the benefit to the company’s bottom line that makes the incredibly awful morale this brings worth it? I’d understand if they were offering employees to volunteer to be laid off, but it doesn’t sound like they are. Are they afraid the info would leak? Do they get some benefit from telling shareholders? But is a month of time really worth that?

When a company announces layoffs in advance and tells specific people that they’re being laid off, it can be to comply with the WARN Act, which requires employers with 100 or more employees to give 60 days’ notice of mass layoffs (or to provide an equivalent amount of severance in lieu of notice). But in cases like this, where they’re not notifying specific employees and instead it’s just a general announcement that layoffs are coming but no one knows who’s affected, sometimes it’s because they know word is likely to leak anyway and people will lose trust (or lose more trust) in leadership for denying that it’s happening. Other times they’re sending signals to investors about their management of the company, particularly if it’s obvious they need to make cuts. And sometimes, too, they’re hoping for attrition — that if some people leave on their own, that’s fewer layoffs for them to do. (That’s generally a terrible idea since the people who can usually leave the fastest are likely to be your strongest employees.)

This question is timely because the first round of layoffs that Meta announced back in April happened yesterday. For some reason they chose to do it by informing employees that the people being laid off would receive an email letting them know at 4 am local time in their region (why?!).

4. How can I get back in touch with former coworkers who I really liked?

At my last job, I got along very well with most of my coworkers, but never became the type of friends to hang outside of work. There was also a pretty significant age gap, with me being about 20 years younger than the next youngest coworker.

I left this job to go back to school, which has been overall a good choice, but it can get a bit lonely. I miss spending time with my coworkers from my last job — it wasn’t a close relationship, but they were all really lovely and interesting people, and I enjoyed our lunchtime conversations. I’d like to see them again, but I’m really not sure if it would be appropriate to reach out and say this.

And, if it would be appropriate to reach out, what would be the best way to do this? Should I invite them all for a happy hour? Ask individuals to get coffee? Just send a general message expressing that I value their friendship?

I know I’m probably overthinking this, but it’s hard to know what is normal this early in my career. Any advice or stories from you or the commenters would be appreciated.

Yes, tell them you’d love to catch up and suggest a happy hour (or, if you’re geographically close enough during the day, a lunch during the work day like you used to do). Or if there are a couple of people who you especially clicked with, invite them to coffee! Any of those are fine and normal. (Personally I would be delighted if a much younger former coworker suggested that — they may think you’re not interested in keeping in touch because the age gap puts you in different stages of life and they might be honored to know you’re actively interested in staying in touch.)

5. Our department chair doesn’t know about major work I’m doing

I’m an assistant professor at a community college, where I’ve been on the faculty for a couple of years. I have a PhD, I publish actively, and I’m involved in curriculum development and department leadership. By most measures, I’m a engaged and productive faculty member. Previous to this position, I worked at a much more prestigious university but made this move so that I could prioritize my family (and I do truly love teaching at a community college).

Recently our department completed a hiring search, and during a conversation about the new hire, the newly appointed chair of the department made a comment that surprised me. She said she was excited because the new person would bring active scholarship and publishing to the department, and that no one else in the department does that kind of work. This isn’t true. I publish. I present at national conferences. I’ve done this consistently since joining the faculty. My chair either doesn’t know this or didn’t think of it in the moment, but the effect was that my contributions were erased in a fairly public way, and despite my best efforts, it has really affected how I feel about the chair, the department, and the college in general.

I want to address this with my chair, but I’m not sure how. My goals are twofold: I’d like her to actually know what I’m doing professionally, and I’d like to understand whether there’s something I should be doing differently to make my work more visible at the department or institutional level. I don’t want this to come across as a complaint or as me being precious about recognition. I genuinely want to have a productive professional conversation, and I also want to feel like my work is legible to the department and college.

You can be pretty straightforward about it: “When you announced Valentina Smith’s hiring, I was surprised that you said that no one else in the department is doing active scholarship and publishing! I wanted to make sure you know that I am doing ____ (fill in with specifics).”

Depending on her response, you might then say, “It made me wonder if there’s more I should be doing to ensure that work is visible in the department and more broadly. Do you have thoughts on that?”

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I am a senior administrator, with a team of 10. Most of the positions that I supervise are entry level, a lot of recent college grads. I am happy to have these folks on my team and enjoy mentoring them. Generally, I expect people to stay in this role for 2-5 years before advancing to a different department or a different company, sometimes a different field altogether.

Last year, a woman who had been working on my team for five years, Milly, let me know that she was looking for a new job with more growth. I encouraged her and said that I was happy to help however I could and to serve as a reference. She was generally a good employee. While she needed a lot of coaching on professional norms and communication, I expect that in this role, and she had shown growth in her time here.

A few months later, Milly went to my grandboss with a litany of complaints about me and the job, none of which she had ever brought up to me in any way. He referred the issue to my direct supervisor, and we met to discuss her concerns. Many of them had to do with confusion around exempt vs non-exempt employees. At the time, we put some things in place to help with some of her biggest complaints around scheduling and communication.

A few months later she quit, and on her way out she went full scorched earth on me to my direct supervisor. There were dozens of complaints about me, my team, and the department, most of which were objectively and demonstrably not true. Several were things that I could easily prove were simply fabrications.

I certainly have growth areas, but many of her complaints were things that I’ve never heard from anyone I’ve managed in 20 years of management. That said, I really sat with all the feedback and tried to lift out what was true. I processed it with my supervisor (who I have a great relationship with). I made some structural changes that I think have really helped our team (including clarifying roles and lines of communication) that were probably overdue. Things are good. Recent reviews and surveys indicate that the team is happy.

That was six months ago. I am now hiring for a recently created position that is a middle management position. This position and I will work very closely together. Shortly after the position was posted publicly, Milly applied for it.

How do I proceed with this hiring process in a way that is fair? Before she left, I probably would have considered her for this role, but would have had reservations about her communication and professionalism. Those reservations have only increased since she left since I’ve also learned some things since she left that demonstrate questionable judgment in her previous role.

I have a committee that will help with the hiring, so it won’t be down to me alone, but ultimately I will have the final say on who we hire. I think it’s unlikely that Milly will emerge as a top candidate, although she does have some good friends who will be part of that process. I want to give her a fair chance, but I also can’t imagine working so closely with someone who said such awful things about me. I also worry that if she is not selected it may look like retaliation. What is the best way for me to proceed?

You can just say no. You don’t need to meet some outside standard of objectivity where you pretend that you don’t have the knowledge about Milly that you do have, or where you assess her the way you would if you had never worked together.

It is completely normal for a manager to consider what they know about a candidate from working with them previously and to decide, based on that experience, that they don’t want to hire them again, and not to advance them in the hiring process as a result. You don’t need to go through the charade of interviewing her; that’s a waste of your time and her time. And really, offering her an interview out of “fairness” sends her a message that’s strangely out of sync with the reality of the situation, which is that if you tell a bunch of lies as you leave a job, you’ve burned that bridge and that manager isn’t going to want to rehire you later.

(Frankly, it’s bizarre that Milly applied for the position at all, if she realizes that you’re the manager of it! Which might be further illustration that her judgment is weird, which you already knew.)

Even though you’re part of a hiring committee, if you’re the manager for the open position, you are on very solid ground in saying, “I worked with Milly in the past, we did not wok together well, and I am not interested in bringing her back.” It would be highly unusual for the rest of the hiring committee to push back on that as long as you’re known to have good judgment, but if you need to enlist your manager in backing you up, do. If anything, I’d think your manager would be surprised to learn you’re even considering interviewing her!

You said that you’re worried not hiring her will look retaliation, but it’s not retaliation to factor in firsthand knowledge of a former employee. It’s an expected and natural outcome.

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I was on a Zoom call recently with the president of our company and two junior staff members who I do not manage directly.

I made a comment during the meeting, and suddenly a snarky Slack message about me from one of the junior members of my team came across my screen. (She said, “Uhhh, that’s literally what I said a minute ago,” seemingly about a suggestion I made to the president.) She had accidentally sent it to the entire team when it was meant for one of the other junior employees. All of the team members looked first confused then horrified, but didn’t say anything. When she realized her mistake, she quickly deleted it, and then the meeting progressed awkwardly as if nothing happened.

When the president asked her about it in a meeting a few days later, she completely denied it. There is no proof of it because it was deleted but everyone on the call saw it. I’m not sure how to move forward with her, as it’s a she said-she said situation without photo evidence.

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

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I’m a trainer in a field that requires significant technical and soft skills (think someone in medicine needing both expertise and a good bedside manner). I do both group trainings and 1-1 coaching and support, particularly with newer staff. I’ve been working in this area since I graduated from college, so I’m relatively young for having around 15 years of experience. I’m also good at my job, which is why I was promoted to my current role.

I recently inherited a new coachee from a coworker who is on leave. Algernon is quite new to our profession, about 10 years older than me, and male.

You can probably see where this is going.

He ignores feedback from women while taking it from men, and is condescending and dismissive to women. There’s a lot more going on than just that, but I could help him with his job performance issues if he’d just listen to me (or any of our other experts who happen to be women!).

As just one example, a female coworker told him multiple times, in writing and in person, not to get involved in a specific project that she’s running. Not only has he kept working on it, but he recently sent out an email complaining about not getting more help with it. So there’s a lot more going on than just sexism, but that’s the part I’m finding hardest to address.

The good news is that Algernon’s contract was always temporary and will not be renewed, so the problem will solve itself more quickly than a PIP would. I’m working on not getting too invested in the coaching next steps he ignores, the shared frustration from all of my female coworkers, or the fact that he apparently is capable of implementing feedback provided it comes from his male coworkers and not from me. At this point, most of my work with him is about compliance, not any real hope that I can help him become significantly better at his job.

Which leaves me wondering: in this case it probably isn’t worth it, but how would you give someone the feedback “stop being sexist?” I’ve given meta-feedback on his lack of follow-through but I haven’t said anything about the gendered dynamics, and I can’t imagine where I’d even begin. Can you ever do that? What would it sound like? I have plenty of daydreams of what I could say to him, I practice them regularly in the shower, but honestly I have very little idea of whether or not it could ever be effective to address an issue like this in the workplace.

P. S.: I am aware that a huge part of coaching is showing up with curiosity, growth mindset, and an open mind. I know those traits are not particularly evident in this letter. I am trying, very hard, but wow is it difficult some days.

I’d argue the most important person to share that feedback with is his boss. That’s info she should have.

But with Algernon himself, you can name the gendered dynamics you see!

It doesn’t mean he’ll believe you or care or take it seriously in any way, but you can name it. (In fact, if you want to bring a growth mindset to this, it makes sense to believe that he at least has the potential to benefit from hearing it … although some skepticism is understandable.)

I’d say it this way: “I have noticed that you give real consideration to feedback when it comes from Bob, Henry, or other male colleagues, but there is a pattern where you appear to disregard feedback from women. I can give you examples if you’d like, but I don’t think it will be fruitful to debate them; what I’m interested in is bringing the pattern itself to your attention so that you can give it some thought.”

You could also say: “Whether or not you think that’s true, you are creating that perception, and in a work context that perception can be very harmful, so it’s something you should give real thought to.”

The idea isn’t to get into a big back and forth with him about it. You are flagging the pattern, or the appearance of a pattern, for him so that you can reflect on it on his own.

I’d also encourage you and your female colleagues to be very assertive about calling it when he’s condescending or dismissive. This can be hard to do in the moment; often people are so caught off-guard by this kind of thing — and don’t trust their immediate, off-the-cuff response to be sufficiently professional — that by the time they think of how they want to respond, the moment has passed. So since you know it’s likely coming at some point with him, it can help to prepare how you want to respond ahead of time.

Those responses will obviously depend on the specifics of what he says but here are some columns that offer specific language for specific types of condescension and dismissiveness, which might spark some ideas:

how can I get my employee to stop condescending to me?

my condescending coworker tries to take over my work and is a disruptive know-it-all

my older male colleague gives me condescending, unsolicited advice

my patronizing coworker interrupts meetings to explain basic things to me

I work with a mansplainer

new coworker is a rude know-it-all

my junior employee won’t stop sharing his “expertise”

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1. A client died in our building, and their family is upset with us

I work for a very small (fewer than 25 employees) U.S. social service nonprofit. Not long ago, a regular, well-known-to-us client suffered a catastrophic event while in our building and collapsed. My coworkers who were nearby at that time took all the right steps: emergency services called, CPR initiated, AED retrieved and used, other visitors quickly and calmly relocated to another area of the building for safety and privacy. (We have all been trained in first response steps and I’m proud of my coworkers for acting without hesitation.) The fire department arrived first and took over, followed by EMS, who took the client to the hospital by ambulance. From collapse to ambulance departure took 15 minutes at most.

Not long later we received the tragic news that our client had died. They were a familiar face for most of us here and it rattled us all the more deeply that they were so suddenly gone — and that it happened in our building. We are doing what we can to be there for one another while processing this. The problem arising now is that, in the way of many small towns, our client was related to several people with social/political standing locally, and they are stirring up social media outcry about the incident.

The criticism is that we (our workplace) haven’t made any kind of post acknowledging and mourning the client’s death (as of my writing this, no death announcement or obituary has been published yet either), that we “did nothing to help,” and that the local emergency services “took too much time” getting to our location, with the implication that we didn’t act in a timely manner calling them. None of these relatives were present for the incident itself.

I feel for them and the shock it must be for our client’s loved ones to receive a call about their sudden passing. I know they’re hurt and grieving and looking for someone to blame. (We have all been — correctly, in my opinion — instructed not to respond to any personal social media posts on the matter or to get involved in comment wars.) Some of my coworkers are outraged that the family would do this when we did all we could at the time, and the accusations about timeliness are patently untrue; others are worried about the community ramifications of “locally powerful” individuals criticizing us so harshly without any of the facts. My question here is twofold: when things like this happen, what is best practice for the organization with regard to the world of posts and public opinion, and what — if any — are the potential legal consequences for the place of business posting about an event like this before some kind of official announcement is made?

As far as I know, there are no legal consequences to sharing news of a death before it’s been publicly announced, but it would generally be seen as insensitive and highly disrespectful to the family to do that, particularly in the immediate aftermath.

At this point, ideally someone high up in your organization would reach out to the family with sincere condolences, offer to answer any questions they have about what happened at your site, and say that the organization would like to publicly remember the client but didn’t want to do that without the family’s blessing or before an obituary had been published.

2. My employee used AI to write their self-evaluation

We are in annual review season right now. I just sat down to review an employee’s self-evaluation comments and my spidey senses went up — I started to wonder if they had used AI to generate their responses. They were much longer than last year, sentences were more complex, and (frankly) the responses felt weighted with self-importance — everything was just a little overblown and overstated. There is very little genuine reflection.

I ran things through several AI checkers, all of which indicated that the writing was AI-generated. Now, I know those aren’t perfect (especially for those of us who are strong writers and use things like em dashes!), but combined with what I stated above, it feels fairly dispositive.

There is no policy, internal to our unit or at our broader organization, that addresses AI use in the context of performance management. On the contrary, AI is heavily pushed to employees, telling us ways it can make our work more efficient. I am, admittedly, a huge AI skeptic. I’ve seen too many incorrect things to put a lot of trust in it. I also have concerns about the short-cuts it enables in terms of thinking. In this case, I would argue that the process of reflecting, writing, editing, etc., is a huge part of why we do annual reviews.

I don’t really know what to do here, other than address the content itself. I’m also, admittedly, struggling with feeling like the employee is somehow cheating by using generative AI to do something that is supposed to be a personal reflection. How should managers and organizations be addressing this sort of thing?

Yeah, I wouldn’t like it either, for the same reasons as you — a self-evaluation is specifically asking for the employee to go through the process of reflecting on their work, and this isn’t that.

That said, a lot of people hate writing self-evaluations and are skeptical about how they’re used. Combine that your company heavily pushing AI on employees, and I can’t really blame this person for doing it … or more to the point, I don’t think you should read more into it than “a lot of people hate writing self-evaluations and this person used a tool our company is pushing widely.”

That said, you can certainly say to the employee, “I got the sense you might have used AI with this, and it’s not an ideal use for it because AI doesn’t have the real-life context, judgment, and emotional intelligence about your work that you have. For something like this, I really want your own self-reflection on these topics, and I can promise you that’s what you’re getting from me for my side of it. With that in mind, would you want to take another stab at it? Or just talk it through in person when we meet?” You don’t have to offer that last option if you don’t want to — but some people stress over writing these so much that it’s worth considering.

3. Someone cc’d my boss over a tape dispenser

I recently got a complaint sent to my boss over a tape dispenser that I borrowed.

I work at a college with two campuses. We have boxes on both campuses where students can donate their books at the end of the semester, and we sell them to an organization and use the proceeds for scholarships. The scholarships are designated for students who work in the bookstore and students who are involved in a student organization that I advise.

On the campus I work on, I have been packing the books and getting them shipped off. I get the boxes myself, but I borrow a cart and packing tape from the bookstore each time. On our second campus, the bookstore handles most of the process themselves with their work-study students. I just send them boxes and shipping labels. It’s been this way longer than I have worked at the college.

Well, I packed books yesterday, and I left the packaging tape in the library because the library was packing some of their old books for the fundraiser. The library staff said they would return the tape to the bookstore when they were done. Apparently, the tape wasn’t returned quickly enough, as I got an email from the bookstore asking where it was. I responded immediately and copied the library, who brought it back right away.

The bookstore then sent an email and copied my boss saying that we need to get our own tape dispenser for the student club to stop borrowing theirs as the tape costs them money and it is inconvenient. I’d be glad to have my own tape dispenser! But I am a faculty member, and I don’t order office supplies. Neither does my boss. I thought it was a bit aggressive looping in my boss to complain about me borrowing their tape dispenser … for a project I do in partnership with them.

I calmly wrote back that (a) I would be glad to have my own tape dispenser and (b) this is a project done in partnership with them that they benefit from. Then I asked how I would order a packing tape dispenser. She then responded that she would get one for us.

I am also a bit annoyed that I am on sabbatical right now, so I was volunteering my time to help out with this fundraiser when I would not normally be on campus. On the other campus, the bookstore takes care of this completely. I am coming in on my time off to do something the bookstore could be taking care of, and they are complaining to my boss over me using their tape dispenser!

Do I need to let this go? Or should I ask that they talk to me directly next time without copying my boss? I think that was unnecessarily aggressive, especially as I was immediately responding to their communication. I don’t mind helping out with the fundraiser to support students, but it’s frustrating getting complaints sent to my boss when I am helping out on my own time.

Eh, let it go.

Yes, their reaction was overblown and cc’ing your boss was excessive, but there’s no point in making it into an even bigger deal by getting into a back and forth with them about it. And you already made the point that this a project they benefit from. They were cranky but now they’re ordering you a tape dispenser, so the problem will be solved and everyone can and should leave it there.

4. Automated video interview asked about my current salary

I just completed an offline video interview; I videotaped answers to written questions and submitted them to a portal. There wasn’t another person or hiring team involved, just an automated system.

One of the questions was (paraphrasing), “What is your current compensation — base pay, PTO, bonuses? What compensation do you expect in this role?” Your advice for dealing with this question in face-to-face interviews has been to sidestep giving my current salary and just tell the range I’m looking for, but since this was asked so directly here I didn’t know what to do. I just went ahead and ignored the first part of the question and said something like, “The range I’m looking for is $75k – 85k base pay” and that was it.

Was that the right thing to do here? I kinda feel like I torpedoed my chances with this job because I ignored their instructions. What should I do in the future if this scenario comes up again?

I think that was the exactly right way to handle it. Your current compensation is none of their business (to the point that some states have made it illegal for employers to ask about it). You answered the part that’s relevant to them, which is what you’re looking for from them.

Related:
how to avoid giving employers your salary history

5. Can I ask the hiring manager if I’d be considered before I apply?

Can I directly ask “would I even be considered” before applying for an internal position?

There is an internal position open that I’m interested in (it would be a sizable promotion for me). The hiring manager is familiar with me, and I’ve worked directly with him on a few projects. I don’t have a strong handle on his opinion of my quality of work, though, and I’m not certain my application would even be considered, or if I would really be qualified for the role. Is it out of line to email him and ask if it’s a position I’d be considered for? Or do I need to just hit apply and hope for the best?

Since it’s an internal position and you’ve worked together before, you can talk to him before you apply! You could say, “I’m really interested in the X position but thought I’d talk to you before I apply. Is your sense that it could be a potential match, or does it not make sense for me to throw my hat in the ring for this one?” That gives him the opportunity to tell you they’re looking for candidates with a different type of experience or otherwise explain if he doesn’t think it’s the right match.

Also, if there are things in your background that would make you qualified that he doesn’t know about, mention those up-front so he’s factoring those in — like “one reason I’m interested is that I did X before coming here” or so forth.

If this weren’t an internal position and you didn’t know him, it wouldn’t make sense to do this; in that case you should just apply. But it’s different when you’re internal.

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I have one of those intensely low-stakes questions that I would love to get your and the commentariat’s opinion on.

I like using paper planners. I like decorating them. I recently started a new job.

My question is twofold:

1. How much can I decorate my planner without people starting to look at me as an overgrown eight-year-old?

2. How much decorating can I do while physically at work? Some planning on paper feels fine to do while in the office but fiddling with stickers and different colored pens, maybe not? Where does one draw the line, so to speak?

I’ve attached two different types of planner spreads (they are not confidential and most likely not even understandable to outsiders so it would be fine to publish these).

Hmmm. I bet there’s going to be a wide range of opinions on this, in part because different things will fly in different offices, but to give you a very general rule, I’d say that what the first photo shows (different color inks and highlighting) is 100% fine and won’t even get a second glance, but the planner in the second photo would be A Lot for many offices.

One decorative sticker? Unremarkable. Multiple decorative stickers? Starts to look more like a craft project and younger/fluffier than what typically aligns with “professional” presentation. (I’m specifying “decorative” stickers here because I’m talking about the flowers, cloud, apple, and affirmations; the colored dots to set some items off are completely fine.) It’s also true that the more decoration there is, the more it starts to look like your focus is in the wrong place for work.

As for how much decorating you can do while physically at work; different color pens are fine; a lot of people use different colors of ink or colored labels to help organize their work, and it’s likely to come across as that (assuming you’re not sitting at your desk with a 100-color pen set, painstakingly using each of them). Slapping a single sticker or a handful of dots on a page, no big deal. More than that will come across oddly in enough offices that I wouldn’t do it.

This all goes triple when you’ve just started a new job and are still making an impression. You don’t want your early impression to be that you’re the sticker person; you want to be known for your work.

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A reader writes:

I manage a fully remote team. It can be difficult to draw a line between work and life when you work from home, so I try to emphasize the importance of work-life balance within my group. I don’t send emails outside of traditional work hours, I’m flexible about appointments, and I encourage my team to use all their vacation time before year-end.

I have a new employee, Jolene. Day 3 of her first week, Jolene said she would work on something “later tonight, after dinner.” I reminded her then that I don’t expect her to work on this project at night – if she ever needs more time on something, she can let me know.

Today is the start of her second week, and she just told me how much time she spent reviewing her notes over the weekend. How can I make it clear that she is not responsible for working on these (not-high-priority) projects outside of traditional work hours? (And working nights and weekends does not impress me.) I’m worried that she will start telling other people on my team about her late hours, and they’ll think the expectation is changing for them. I also don’t want her to get burned out, right as she’s getting up to speed.

For context, Jolene has freelanced for a while, and this is her first full-time job in about five years. I wonder if she is still suffering from the old “Cult of Busy.”

I answer this question — and two others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

Other questions I’m answering there today include:

•  My colleague apologizes constantly for missing work
• Interviewing when there’s already a candidate who’s “acting” in the role

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I’ve been working at this smallish company for five and a half years now. I started as the office manager when we were nine people and now we’re approaching 50. I am a friendly person and have great relationships with many of my coworkers. We’re a friendly group, but strangely with my manager, I genuinely feel total invisible to him. In my many years of working, this is a weird experience for me. I’ve always had very good relationships with my managers.

A few examples of what I mean:

This morning I walked into the office and he’s standing talking to my coworker (he’s also her manager) and he’s looking right at me as I walk by and I look at him and say, “Good morning.” He looks down, doesn’t reply, and my other coworker says, “Good morning.” This has happened many times, where I may have walked by him in the kitchen first thing and say good morning and he just walks by. I have sometimes thought that maybe he didn’t hear me. This morning he 100% heard me.

I sit in a pod of desks, and he often comes by to speak to one of the other two people I sit with. One time he came by, and only the person who sits across from me was sitting here and I was here — and he came over and said, “You know I’m coming to talk to you because no one else is here” and that coworker says, “But MyName is here” and I pipe up with, “I’m here! I”m here!” He says nothing and doesn’t acknowledge the banter.

So all this makes me feel absolutely invisible.

It’s so weird, because if I message him with an issue, he will reply. If I go to his office to talk to him about something, he obviously will talk to me.

Am I being overly sensitive? I appreciate not being micromanaged and nitpicked and the work gets done — I don’t need oversight. He does come to me when he needs me to do something for him, although it doesn’t happen often.

Does he not like me? Does it matter? He chit chats with other coworkers and he shares personal stuff with them. I’m not looking to be BFFs, but a “good morning” would be nice.

Part of me thinks I shouldn’t care, but I was raised to be polite. You greet people when you come in and you say goodbye when you leave. How do I not let this make me feel like less? I don’t think bringing it up to him would be helpful; I think he would just end being way more awkward.

No, you’re not being overly sensitive! It’s weird for anyone in your office, let alone your boss, to act like you’re invisible and ignore you when you greet them.

It would be different if your boss were like this with everyone. Then you could write it off it as shyness or social awkwardness.

But when he’s only doing it you and you see him chatting perfectly comfortably with others, it feels personal.

Plus I’m wondering about his comment to your coworker when he didn’t realize you were there — “You know I’m coming to talk to you because no one else is here.” That makes it sound like the coworker knows your boss prefers not to come talk when you’re around. Or maybe it was a reference to the coworker knowing your boss is generally socially uncomfortable and prefers talking one-on-one … but given that it only seems to be you he avoids, you’ve got to wonder. (Also, did he just … not see you? Are you literally invisible and just don’t realize it? If you look in a mirror, are you visible?)

As for what’s going on, I can think of a bunch of possible explanations:

* He has a crush on you.
* Your resemblance to someone else makes him uncomfortable (a hated cousin, the bully who tormented him in school, a dead loved one).
* You offended him in some profound way at some point (presumably this wouldn’t be something small like accidentally cutting him off in the hallway, but rather more like you said something implying he or his loved ones don’t deserve rights, or something indicating you’re part of a group that he doesn’t think deserve rights).
* You’re different from him in a way he’s uncomfortable with (including things like race, politics, sexual orientation, even age).

Still, though, if you don’t want to, then all you can really do is to (a) look at whether this might stem from something on your end (like did you insult his partner or his child and then blithely continue on?) and (b) assuming that you reflect on that and are confident that you didn’t, assume that whatever’s going on is entirely about him, and try to see the entertainment value in having a boss who’s this obliviously rude.

(Also, you may find this letter on a similar topic from 2021 interesting! I was pleased to see that I came up with the same bulleted list of possibilities then.)

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1. Interview questions meant to identify covert North Korean workers

As you may already know, with the rise of remote work, some sectors in the U.S. have had an issue with North Korean workers applying for work while pretending to be a U.S. citizen, with an American liaison hosting their work laptop in the U.S. and providing aid with documents and such. Since this has been discovered, some interviewers have of course tried to find ways to weed out these fraudulent applicants, and I was wondering what you think of the matter.

I heard today of an interviewer who would ask candidates to repeat a phrase like “Kim Jong Un is a fucking asshole” to prove they aren’t from the DPRK. It seems effective, but I feel like this could be sketchy on the legal front. My kneejerk reaction was that this could be seen as discriminatory based on political beliefs, but I realize that even if it were covered by states with those protections, it would be difficult to pursue. I also think the inability of any current DPRK citizen to legally work in the U.S. would negate claims of discrimination based on national origin. I do think it could be an issue if this wasn’t requested of all candidates interviewed, and wonder if it could seem stereotypical to the level of racial discrimination. Do you think this is as messy of a solution as it seems? Do you know of or have any ideas for what other solutions interviewers could implement here?

It’s an absurd solution. First, it assumes a North Korean citizen would be incapable of repeating those words insincerely and in the pursuit of what they saw as a greater good, which is likely a flawed assumption. Second, it makes them look incredibly weird to everyone else (both because of the request itself and because if this is what they consider a strong security practice, that’s a problem).

I don’t know what the right security solution is — that’s way outside my expertise — but there are entire fields specializing in it, so step one would be to consult with someone whose job it is to know!

2. I promised an employee a promotion before I should have

I manage a 25-person department in a large, bureaucratic organization. The department is organized into three groups, and I was an outside hire a couple of years ago. Generally speaking, my staff is great — we punch above our weight in a lot of our work.

Last summer, the organization started going through a process improvement push. As part of that, my boss (who is in the C-suite) told me that he would support me in doing a small reorg in my department to create a fourth group on my team focusing on more strategic projects. I am excited by this idea, because if anything is holding my team back, it is the difficulty of focusing on longer-term projects when we have so many immediate deadlines. This reorg would allow me to promote Paula, who is developing into a rock star. We’ve already informally moved Paula into a position that focuses on process improvement, but being able to give her a small team and turn her loose to focus on strategic work could be huge for us. Also, I worry that without these changes I will eventually lose her to someone else, either an internal team with a promotion opportunity or another company.

I know you’re going to tell me this next part was a mistake, but I told Paula about the reorg/promotion idea shortly after my boss and I agreed to put it into motion. And then, I ran into a bureaucratic nightmare of trying to get HR approval to make the changes required. I need to reclassify a position to promote Paula and create a team for her, and I keep getting told “not right now.” The broader organization is going through budget tightening and it’s hard to get approval for spending more on salaries (which the promotion would require). We have support to make these changes from the C-suite, but everything is going really slowly.

It’s been eight months since I floated this idea with Paula, and I’m still working on actually getting approval to do it! My boss is supportive. His boss is supportive. It’s just going really, really slowly. I’ve been up-front with Paula on what’s going on but I worry that she is going to lose confidence. What should I do, since I can’t go back in time and stop myself from discussing this with her?

Does your C-suite boss have any pull to expedite this? Ideally the next step is a conversation with him to express your concerns about losing Paula and ask him what a realistic timeline is so that both you and she can plan. Emphasize that you want a realistic timeline, not an optimistic one, and also ask if there’s anything you should prepare for that might derail that.

Right now, the most important thing you can give Paula is very, very realistic info about what’s going on and what the timeline will likely look like, so that she doesn’t feel like she’s being strung along or being fed overly optimistic projections. “I’m so sorry about this but it’s going to be at least eight months because of X” is more confidence-enhancing in her shoes than hearing “it’s really slow going but we’re working on it” every so often — because the former is specific and you won’t sound as much like you’re stringing her along. You can also ask if there are things that she wants during the waiting period that you can offer — maybe that’s a title change or authority to do X or help removing obstacle Y. Or maybe there’s nothing, but you should talk with her and find out.

Ultimately, you might lose Paula if this drags out, but that’s just the reality of how these things go.

3. My boss didn’t include a major accomplishment in my review

I work for a nonprofit that underwent a major systems overhaul last year, replacing outdated internal tools with a new CRM. The transition was rocky and in the months following launch, many of us worked significant overtime to stabilize workflows and prevent service disruptions. During that period, I consistently worked 60-hour weeks identifying and documenting system issues critical to our department’s function. One project in particular required substantial independent effort and had a surprisingly helpful impact on improving operations.

Because of the organization’s financial strain from the rollout, staff received only modest cost-of-living increases this past review cycle, with no merit raises. I’m genuinely okay with that, as I value the mission and benefits, and I understand the constraints.

My concern is recognition, not compensation. In my 2025 performance review, my supervisor did not mention my largest post-launch contribution. I added context in my written response, but it wasn’t reflected in their evaluation. In a recent one-on-one, I asked whether the extra work done during the transition period could be considered in next year’s review cycle.

My supervisor seemed to interpret my question as a complaint about compensation and responded by explaining the organization’s budget deficit. I clarified that I appreciated the context but didn’t push back or mention that I wasn’t asking for more money.

Now I’m concerned about two things: first, that my contributions during a uniquely demanding period won’t be formally recognized, and second, that my supervisor may have misinterpreted my intent as dissatisfaction with pay.

Is it reasonable to expect that work done in a particularly intense period (like a major system rollout) would carry over into the next performance review cycle if it wasn’t fully captured in the previous one? Should I proactively clarify with my manager that my concern is about accurate recognition of my contributions and not compensation? If so, how direct should I be?

I want to advocate for my work without coming across as transactional or tone-deaf to the organization’s financial realities. At the same time, I don’t want a significant effort to effectively disappear from the record.

I can see why your manager interpreted it that way — usually when someone is concerned about considering a particular piece of work in a particular review cycle, it’s linked to money. In part that’s because in a lot of organizations, the content of a particular evaluation doesn’t matter that much year to year; rather, the content’s main impact is on (a) your pay and (b) your overall rating. If your overall rating was already very high and you’re not advocating for it to be increased, I can see why your manager assumed what you were advocating for was money. It sounds like you really just want the work itself it be recognized within the narrative of the review — which isn’t unreasonable, but that’s probably why she missed it.

You could go back to her and say something like, “I think I miscommunicated my interest in having the X work included in my review. I’m not asking for a different raise or even a different rating; rather, it was such a significant part of my work this year, and I believe had strong enough results, that ideally I’d like it be included in the written record of my work for this period.”

4. My job might want me to take on new work — how do I ask for more details?

I currently work in accounts receiving but the bulk of my experience is in accounts payable. At my current job, the accounts payable Major Dames might be retiring by the end of the year. I have been approached to take over their duties (along with some automation).

I asked how much time I had to think and was told Q3 at the earliest (because The Major Dames might push back their retirement). I’ve taken the time to think and I want to move forward with this. How do I approach the conversation in which I want to say, “Yes, I want this. What does it look like? Like title *ahem* pay … etc.” Should I ask what concerns they might have with me now so I can address them? The more I think, the better it seems but instead of getting wrapped up in the fantasy of better money and more pay, how do I instigate the conversation: tell me more?

Be straightforward! “I’ve given it some thought and I’m very interested. Can you tell me more about what that would look like logistically, as well as what it would mean for my title and pay?”

Be prepared for the possibility that they might not have been planning to change those things! If that turns out to the case, you could say, “Based on the increase in responsibility, I was hoping we could consider X or similar for a title, with a salary change to reflect the increased work.”

You don’t need to ask what concerns they might have with you; from what they’ve said so far, they might not have any. If they do start to seem less solid about moving forward with this, at that point you could ask whether they have specific concerns about your ability to take on the work, but based on what’s been said so far it doesn’t sound like you need to ask that right now.

5. I need business referrals but I also need friends

I am a professional fine artist. I’m building my business around custom commissions for clients. My paintings are at a price point where they’d be considered luxury goods by a lot of people and as a result, my business relies heavily on referrals. I am lucky and grateful to have a lot of friends who are very supportive, very impressed with what I do, and tell their friends about it. However, I don’t want to fall into the tupperware party trap of turning all my friends into business leads.

I’d love to hear from other readers in similar situations about strategies they use to grow their business without wrecking their social lives.

I’m happy to throw this out to readers, but as a general rule I think it’s fine to say once, “If you’re ever interested in a commission or know someone who is, I’d love to talk about it!” Saying it once is completely fine — you’re letting them know of your availability. After that, though, assume they’ll tell you if they’re interested in doing that; they may be friends who are very supportive but not likely to pay luxury-good prices for art, and that’s okay!

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I work for a large nonprofit organization; I started here a few months ago. I am a mid-career professional, and in general, I feel like I usually have pretty good instincts for how to handle interpersonal conflict at work. But I feel stumped by this one.

In a recent call (on Zoom/video) with approximately 10 staff members, we were discussing a stressful work project where a lot of things are going wrong. One of the senior leaders on my team said (I am paraphrasing), “If XYZ happens, I will kill someone.”

They did not name a specific person; they seemed to be expressing their extreme frustration at how the project was going.

I tried to intervene with empathy, saying something like, “I know, this is a very stressful situation and it’s frustrating that we are facing these issues.” The leader then said, “I am not joking. I will literally kill someone.”

From this person’s tone and body language, I feel like they actually were (probably) joking … even though they said, “I am not joking!” But no matter what the person intended, it does not sit well with me. The more I think about it, the more I feel (a) uncomfortable at people threatening homicide in the workplace and (b) resentful that I feel like I need to spend time wondering if my senior leader will or will not actually commit a harmful act.

My feeling is: any time someone says that they intend to kill someone — either themself or someone else — we as a society should err on the side of caution and not ignore it. So I am wondering if I should say something and, if so, to whom?

We do not have an anonymous reporting tip line in my office, so the options I am considering include HR and my own boss, with whom I have a good relationship (though this person is their boss, so I feel discomfort in that).

P.S. For what it’s worth, I am keeping my eyes and ears out as I learn more about working at this place, because not long after this, another person on the call said something like, “You are not the first person today to express homicidal tendencies in a meeting.” I am beginning to wonder if this just a toxic work culture.

It’s much, much more likely that these are people using hyperbole to express frustration than that they are actually considering murder.

To be clear, that’s not good! People shouldn’t do that. But a lot of people do talk this way, just like a lot of people say “if this printer jams one more time, I’m going to throw myself out the window” without meaning they are truly considering self-harm.

You are entitled not to want to hear that kind of thing at work. And people need to be more thoughtful about how their language might land with someone who, for example, had a loved one murdered or who did in fact throw themselves out a window. People tend to use this kind of expression without thinking about the fact that those things happen in real life, and that their audience may include people have been affected by the exact thing they’re joking about.

But it’s also true that this kind of expression pops up at work sometimes, and you are generally expected to differentiate between clear hyperbole and a potential threat. I want to be clear — I’m not saying that’s right, just that it’s usually the reality of it.

As for what to do, you could certainly talk to HR and/or your boss about it. They will probably tell you that it sounds like hyperbole to them, and your boss in particular might have more insight about her boss that would put it in context. But you could point out that it’s jarring and upsetting to hear that kind of thing at work, especially as someone fairly new who doesn’t have long relationships with the parties involved to put it in context, and suggest reminding people — and especially this manager — to be more thoughtful about their language.

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At Slate today, I wrote about some of the weirdest ways “other duties as assigned” has been used — and what you can do if you’re being assigned work wildly outside of your job description. You can read it here.

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I have a tough situation. Our new business manager of one year for an office that requires in-office management (due to daily printing requirements) has come to higher management to state their childcare is no longer available. And due to childcare being so expensive, this manager has requested to work fully remote until their young child is at least three years old, which will be in 2028.

Their direct manager offered the solution of working remotely a few days a week and asked if their partner could help on the other days, but that isn’t an option. We also offered another big office rent-free for the manager to hire a certified babysitter, but that wasn’t viable either. The employee says that the only solution is viable will be working remote from home full-time.

The position requires the manager to be in office to manage the team and to be a fill-in when other manager is out of the office. There are other team members with young children who have found childcare, and this office has always been flexible with time off or hybrid work schedules due to family issues. What other solutions am I overlooking?

Saying no, and that’s what you should do.

This employee isn’t just asking to work full-time remote for a job that requires an in-office presence, which is a no-go on its own. They’re also openly telling you that they plan to be taking care of a toddler during that time, which is a full-time job itself. There’s a reason that employers generally require people who work from home to have separate child care if they have young children, and it’s because if you try to do both at once, you won’t do either of them well. (It’s part of why parents of young kids struggled so much in 2020 when so many people had to work from home with no child care; it’s impossible to do both at the same time with any hope of remaining sufficiently attentive to your job.)

It’s also a recipe for trashing the morale of other employees who do pay for childcare (for whom it’s also expensive!) — and doubly so if this employee becomes less responsive when they’re at home, which they almost certainly will.

Explain to the employee that you’re sympathetic to their position but the job does require being on-site and, due to the nature of the work, you can’t be flexible with that. The only real path forward here is for them to figure out if the position still works for them or not. And if they decide they’d rather find new childcare than leave, you could certainly be flexible in the short-term while they’re actively working to get that in place.

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1. Coworker is poisoning a new hire with his bad attitude

A guy who works in our IT department, Steve, is just genuinely a negative human being, and pretty overt about it. He complains constantly about anything and everything, and really appears to hate his job despite remaining at the company for over 20 years. All managers are stupid, all decisions about his job/responsibility area are bad … you get the idea. Examples:
* Telling a visibly pregnant coworker that he “didn’t think bringing a child in the world right now was a great idea considering the state of things.”
* Wearing a truly enormous sombrero after complaining it was too bright in the open seating and informing everyone why he was wearing said sombrero.
* If anyone asks how he’s doing as a polite greeting, he informs them that this place is awful and he’s counting down the days until he can leave.
* He not regarded highly by management, but talks a big game about how he’s smarter than everyone, etc. He is no longer allowed to ask questions in department meetings due to his asking of very specific questions about his responsibility areas and perceived injustices.

He now has a college new hire working along side him to learn the area and is turning this new hire into a tiny version of himself. I am not Steve’s manager but have noticed the attitude shift in the college hire.

Would it be terrible to mention to management the attitude shift? Would a polite word to the newbie be out of line? I just feel like the new hire is learning “professional norms” from someone without any awareness of what those actually are and is a recipe for disaster for their career.

Yes, if you have decent managers, this is something you can discreetly mention to them — although really, whoever assigned Steve to train the new hire should have foreseen this!

It also would be a kindness to have a quiet word with the new hire — something along the lines of, “Steve is pretty unhappy here, as he’s probably told you, but the rest of us often don’t see things the way he does. I know you’re still getting acclimated and it can be really helpful to build relationships with multiple people so you get more than one perspective. Please feel free to come to me if you have questions or I can help with anything.”

But better yet, are you up for taking the new hire to coffee or lunch and just building a relationship with them? That itself, without even needing to say anything about Steve, might help them see the work through a non-Steve lens.

Related:
my new employee is getting bad advice from my older employee

2. If my friend announces I’m working with him, I’m worried my company will let me go

I recently reached out to a friend who’s building a new company, asking if I could invest small potatoes money in him. It’s only to a tune of a few hundred dollars a month, just to cover some basic services to keep the product running smoothly. He asked me instead to be his co-founder and CTO. The company is bootstrapped so I can’t afford to leave my day job (yet). I believe in this project and I’ll get to do good in the world.

Meanwhile my day job is capital T toxic, but I need the insurance (solo wage earner for my family) and a paycheck. I can’t leave and my industry is a trashcan fire for hiring right now due to AI. My company already knows I’m doing something similar, and its okay for me to have a second job as long as its doesn’t impact my first job.

The issue is this: the position with the new company is significantly more senior to my regular job. I’m a senior level individual contributor and I don’t see progressing here, nor would I want to given the toxicity. The new company wants to announce me and use it as a marketing tool to get more users. I worry such a visible marketing campaign might give my day job an excuse to just get rid of me (my boss regularly threatens everyone on her team with job loss, among other things). Even though I’ve successfully been doing the same amount of work as I will be doing for a year with their permission and it’s not impacting my work, I fear the increased title will give them an excuse to just oust me preemptively.

Can I block my work from my LinkedIn profile so I can (1) update it, and (2) contain the reach of the marketing campaign? It’s minimally likely that they would see it otherwise, as this will be the primary direction of the marketing campaign. Or will the blocking cause some kind of backlash on its own? The HR and head of my division are looking at my LinkedIn regularly.

There’s no way to reliably block your company from seeing the announcement. You could block specific people from your profile, but if an announcement is going out that mentions you by name, there’s no way to block them from seeing that (or from hearing about it from someone else who sees it). You’ve got to decide if the potential benefit of allowing the announcement outweighs the danger you think it would put you in — but absent some information to the contrary, I would assume it doesn’t warrant the risk (in any situation, but especially one where your friend needs a few hundred dollars a month to cover basic services — which says the company isn’t in a strong place currently).

3. Am I gaining an unfair advantage over my coworkers by occasionally working at the office in-person?

I work remotely for a company in a town about three hours away. Everyone has the option to work remotely, but only about a quarter of people with my position also have the need to work remotely because of distance.

I have family in the same city as the company office. I miss being in an office sometime and about 2-3 times a year I combine a trip to see my family with spending a day in the office. I think my bosses really like this effort and I like to think them seeing me in person and not just on a Zoom screen is helpful for my career generally speaking, although I don’t think there is any favoritism being shown by my bosses.

I always feel guilty though because the other distant remote workers don’t have this family connection to the city so it feels like I am taking an unfair advantage over them. Am I?

No. They are presumably happy with the benefits they get by working remotely. If they felt seeing their bosses in person a few times a year was important to them, they have the option to do that (hell, some companies would even foot the travel bill if they made a business case for it). Your circumstances are different and your preferences are different; that’s not an unfair advantage (although it may be an advantage).

4. Negotiating for paid parental leave when accepting a job

I recently interviewed for a great job at a great organization (in my neighborhood!). Sadly, they’ve gone with another candidate, but I asked them to keep me in mind for future opportunities. They responded very quickly to say that the role immediately below it may soon be available and asked if I’d be interested in it, giving the salary range.

The job I’d interviewed for would’ve been a $20-$30k pay increase for me, but this lower job would be a bit of a cut. However, I’d still be interested due to the proximity to my home, as long as the health care benefits are better than my current org. My only hesitation is that I want to have a child within the next year and it would be hard to take a pay cut if I don’t have paid parental leave.

I saw your advice about negotiating parental leave by saying you want to plan for the long-term, but my state will implement paid family leave within 6-12 months of when I’m hoping to give birth (and I have reasons for not wanting to delay pregnancy further). Is there a way to negotiate paid parental leave 6-12 months in advance of when the organization will be required to provide it?

The good news here is that it sounds like your willingness to take this job would hinge on their willingness to agree to give you paid parental leave … which makes this pretty simple since  you can just ask about it straightforwardly if you get an offer. Plus, you’re asking for something they’re about to be offering everyone as soon as the law goes into effect, so they don’t need to worry as much about setting a precedent as they would otherwise.

If they offer you the job, you could say, “I’d love to accept but there’s a chance I may need paid parental leave in the next year. I know (state) is implementing that in (month) but would you be willing to offer it to me before then? If we could agree to the same X months the law will offer when it goes into effect, just starting sooner, I would be thrilled to accept.” You could also add, “I should say that I’m not pregnant so don’t have clear timing on when or even whether I’d need to use it; I just want to make sure it’s there if I do need it before the law takes effect.”

5. What is a dotted-line report?

What is the purpose of a dotted-line report? What does it typically entail and what are good use-cases for it to exist? I see them sometimes in my org, but I don’t know what they mean.

If you have a dotted-line relationship to someone above you, it means they oversee parts of your work but not your job as a whole. For example, maybe you’re a fundraising assistant who reports to the fundraising manager but you also have a dotted line reporting relationship with the grants manager because you analyze data for her and report to her on grant-related deliverables. The fundraising manager is your manager for all the general manager stuff (overseeing your daily work, monitoring your progress against goals, doing your performance reviews, giving you most feedback, thinking about your professional development, approving time off, etc.), but the grants manager has the ability to assign you work and give you feedback on the work you do for her (and may contribute input to the performance review that your manager writes).

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This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Leonard and Hungry Paul, by Ronan Hession. Two men living with their parents meander through their lives being kind, fundamentally decent people. Not a lot happens! But it is very quiet and charming. (Amazon, Bookshop)

* I earn a commission if you use those links.

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The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on any work-related questions that you want to talk about (that includes school). If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to take your questions to other readers.

* If you submitted a question to me recently, please do not repost it here, as it may be in my queue to answer.

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1. Should I say something about our intern’s bright blue pimple patch?

We have a paid intern on a four-month term with government. He has some social anxiety things and general workplace norms we have been working with him on.

Last week, he showed up at a virtual internal team meeting with a blue star sticker on his forehead. It took a while to figure out it was a pimple patch.

Do we say something? I know there is a move among young people to wear bright and patterned pimple patches in public, but at work I expect them to be hidden.

Pimple patches at work are increasingly getting normalized and seen as no different than a band-aid — but at work you’d generally want to choose a neutral one, not a bright blue star, just like in many/most offices it would feel out of sync to wear a bright novelty bandage with a Pixar character on it on your face.

But this is what internships are for: to learn professional norms. So I’d approach it from that angle: “Bandages are obviously fine at work, but if it’s on your face, it’ll look more professional if you choose a neutral one rather than a bright color. This is one of those things that people generally don’t come in knowing, and exactly why internships can be so useful.”

There are some offices where a bright blue pimple patch would be fine too, but I’m guessing yours isn’t one of them and it’s to his advantage to know that.

2. Have the rules around mentioning kids when networking changed since the pandemic?

I ran into a former boss at a professional meeting recently, and when we were catching up she mentioned a job that she thought would be a good fit for me. We talked briefly, but I told her it wasn’t right for me right now because I have young children and need more flexibility. Was this unprofessional?

My friends and I were discussing this later and we’re pretty split: half of them thought I shouldn’t have mentioned my kids at all because it risks “mommy-categorizing” me and will curtail future recruitment, and half thought mentioning kids/families/life at work has become more socially acceptable in the last five years and employers respect people who know their worth and have boundaries around work and family life. (Interestingly my mom-friends were mostly in the first group while the dads in the group thought employers respect work/life balance.)

We’re in a conservative industry (think finance, but it’s not that) but it’s 2026, and the realities of being a working parent are much more openly discussed now. What do you think?

I don’t think it’s any surprise that the men had a more optimistic view than the women, since the women are the ones who actually need to deal with how this still works. But I think there’s a difference between talking about your kids in an interview (where I’d still avoid it, because you don’t want to give them a reason not to hire you) and saying it when you’re catching up with a former boss and are explaining why you don’t want to pursue a particular job.

In either situation, mentioning your kids wouldn’t be unprofessional — just possibly unwise in the interview scenario. Even in 2026, there’s absolutely still bias against female candidates who interviewers think might less available or less dedicated due to their kids. (The men you talked to have probably had different experiences themselves, but it’s well-documented that there’s a mom penalty far more there’s a dad penalty.)

3. Do I have to give four weeks notice when I quit?

Our employee manual requests two-week notice periods for non-management and then increases in increments for roles in management and higher. In my position (department lead), the “suggestion” is four weeks for a notice period. We’re in an at-will state in the U.S.

Last year, the company went through a RIF where many staff were furloughed without severance or a notice period. I became the only leader in my department overnight. No one has been asked back, and the folks who were able to find other work were considered resignations (again, no severance or payout for PTO accrued). As the months have passed and the chaos from this RIF has worsened, I’ve begun interviewing for other roles. Recruiters are asking how long I’d need for a notice period, and I’m worried that four weeks is hurting my chances.

Ideally, I would love to give two weeks of notice, take a week off to just breath and reset, and then start fresh(ish) in a new role. My burnout is real and I know hopping into the next role immediately will not be good for my mental or physical health. But this approach seems like it will burn bridges with a company that I’ve built almost 10 years of good will with. Alternatively, a four-week window with no break at all seems abysmal for a number of reasons, and that’s assuming a new company can hire on that timeline.

My most recent datapoint for comparison was a manager (in name only, as their entire team was furloughed or quit) who gave two weeks notice. I heard from them that their boss (a company owner) reacted terribly to the resignation and made their anger clear. I also heard from colleagues that other executives were complaining about the short notice period. During the notice period, I discovered there was absolutely zero redundancy or support for this person in their role and leadership had no idea how to cover the work. Of course, this isn’t the resignee’s fault and they worked their butt off to support a transition. But their reputation with company leadership has been unfairly tarnished.

Do I have options here? Frankly, I struggle to move past the fact that this company released employees with no notice or support last year and yet has the gall to be upset with resigning employees this year. But I also need to factor in my professional reputation and the realities of a competitive job market.

They can “request” four weeks notice all they want; it doesn’t obligate you to give it. Two weeks notice is what’s standard, and it’s reasonable for you to give that. That would be true regardless, but it’s exponentially true with an employer that doesn’t offer severance in lieu of notice. If their finances made doing that impossible, then so be it — but they’ve forfeited any standing to take issue with you giving two weeks notice (which is still two weeks better than what they did on their side!).

If they want a certain amount of notice from people, they need to have policies and practices on their side that offer the equivalent in return (and even then, they won’t always get it, because that’s not how this works). But they don’t. They have the opposite.

That doesn’t mean they won’t be upset when you resign; you can’t control that. But you can act reasonably on your side — meaning that you give two weeks notice — and say, “Unfortunately I’m not able to give more than a standard two-week notice period; I tried to make longer work but couldn’t.” And including the word “standard” in there is intentional.

Related:
can my employer make me give four weeks notice when I quit?
can I give 2 weeks notice when my employer says they “expect” 4 weeks?

4. Could I ever have a manager and an employee swap positions?

I manage a department in a public sector organization. The work is very technical/specialized, and good people are hard to find. Everyone involved is on a pretty generous payscale, in my opinion.

I have two specialists who are relatively young, ambitious, flexible, and eager to learn. I also manage two managers who have long experience and a lot of knowledge, but who are pretty taciturn and set in their ways and keep a lot of knowledge in their heads without documenting. The department was without any leader for some time before I joined, and while the managers filled the gap to some extent, neither of them was interested in vying for a further promotion. In practice I supervise all four.

I have high hopes for both specialists but they are both somewhat frustrated at being stuck where they are until one of the manager positions opens up. Previously I had explored adding more grades to the specialist position so they had more promotions ahead of them, and I had successfully raised their salary scales, but our organization is currently having economic headwinds and more adjustments like that will be very difficult for a while.

One of the specialists, Alexa, is very good at advocating for herself and inquires from time to time what options are available for her advancement. She definitely has options if she doesn’t advance here. She does great work, possibly the best in the department, and is always working on improving her already high skills.

It gets to the point that it feels like she is more suitable as a manager than her actual manager. Often I direct a question at her manager, Jody, that I see as a higher-level question she should answer, but then often (and to my declining surprise) she defers to Alexa. Alexa is far more proactive and big-picture-mindful than Jody, who sort of plods along and seems to take the easy/reactive route whenever possible.

Is there a framework in which I could make Jody and Alexa swap positions? Or is this broadly out of the question in most cases? What might be the groundwork to make it feasible, if ever? I honestly think Jody has a perspective and habits more suitable to the specialist position, and Alexa to the managerial position. But that doesn’t mean Jody wouldn’t react negatively to the idea, which would be a salary downgrade. (I could move around reporting lines so that Jody doesn’t literally report to Alexa, though — Alexa could manage the other specialist.)

Have you given Jody feedback on the weaknesses in her work or would this come as a total surprise to her? Before you think about having them swap positions, this is the first piece to tackle; if Jody isn’t meeting your expectations for her work, she deserves to know that. Totally aside from the Alexa complication, you should be coaching Jody and giving her feedback about how to improve.

As for a swap: possible but unlikely. If your sense was that Jody dislikes managing and wishes she could take a step down to a specialist role, then you could feel her out on whether she’d ever like to seriously explore doing that (although the fact that it would involve a pay cut makes it fairly unlikely). Otherwise, though, you’re better off managing Jody more forthrightly (including considering letting her go if she’s not performing at the level you need after coaching, although I can’t tell whether or not that’s the case). You could also consider just promoting Alexa to manage the other specialist, although if this is a team of four with no employees beneath the other two managers, that’s a lot of management below you for what doesn’t sound like good reason.

Really, I think you have a Jody problem that’s impacting everything else.

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I’ve been working with a report who has had some troubles with organization — he would have dropped a few balls if I hadn’t spotted that he was missing things. I’ve given him some very direct feedback which he agreed with. He’s been working on some better organizational systems, but now I’m wondering if there’s more to the issues.

We’re all remote and have an online chat system that shows if you’re away from your desk for more than five minutes. And he is away … a lot. I hate that I’ve noticed this, because I don’t want to be micromanaging my team’s hours, but frequently I go to message him and find he’s been away for 20-30 minutes.

We work 9-5 and it’s reasonably flexible. If you have a doctor’s appointment or want to take a longer lunch, the expectation is that you mark it in your calendar and make the time up later. I also have no problem with people stepping away from their desk occasionally to deal with life or to get some thinking time. But there is a limit and I think he’s exceeding it.

As an example, he logged on 20 minutes late yesterday, took a 90+ minute lunch break and at least another half hour break that I noticed — and I’m obviously not monitoring him all the time. As far as I can tell, he’s not making the time up later, and he hasn’t mentioned any of this or put it in his calendar.

If he was a strong performer, I wouldn’t care! And I don’t want people to think they can’t flex their hours sensibly because they absolutely can. But this could be playing into the organizational issues if he’s missing things because he’s not spending enough time on them. Should it be part of the conversation? How do I raise it without sounding like I’m micromanaging his hours?

Yeah, I’d raise it — because while ultimately his work quality (meeting deadlines, not letting balls drop, etc.) is the issue, this sounds likely enough to be playing a role in what’s happening that it’s silly not to name it when it might speed up the whole process of figuring out if he’s going to work out in this job or not. Plus, he sounds pretty far over the line in terms of what kind of flexibility is appropriate for him to be taking. It’s not like you’re calling him out for his lunch running over by 10 minutes; you’re seeing significant and regular chunks of time missing from his work hours.

I would say it this way: “I’ve noticed that you’re away from your desk a lot more frequently than I’d expect. We do have some flexibility with hours, but the expectation is that if you have an appointment or take an extra long lunch, you’ll mark it in your calendar and make the time up later (or take PTO if you can’t or don’t want to make up the time). Generally, though, I’d expect you to be working 9-5 with a half hour for lunch. I don’t want to micromanage your time — but when you’ve been dropping balls and working to get better organized, it makes me concerned that this is playing a role. So I want to ask you to look at that as well.” Or you could skip those last two sentences and just end with, “Can you be sure you’re doing that going forward?”

There are times when it makes sense to just keep the focus on the ultimate outcomes you need from an employee (in this case, that he gets better organized and stops dropping balls) and figure that it’s up to him how he gets there, and that the pressure from you to do that should naturally push him to change those habits — and that if he doesn’t get there, he’s not well suited for the job. But in this case I think you’ll save some time by just naming what you’re seeing and telling him he needs to rein it in. And you’re not required to look the other way when he’s abusing the job’s flexibility … in any case, but especially when where you’re actively coaching him to fix problems.

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I wrote a short piece for Inc. about how managing needs to be different these days, and it’s accompanied by a round-up of 10 of Inc.’s favorite Ask a Manager Q&A’s. You can read it here.

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About 10 years ago, I was at a job where a huge drama erupted over email signatures that ultimately resulted in a lawsuit.

One day the subcontractor we all worked for sent an email that we had to standardize our email signatures because some people were having too much fun with them and using non-standard colors and fonts. Okay, fine, we thought, we guess we took it too far. The job was very very tedious and messing around with signature blocks (strictly in emails to each other) was one of our few outlets and expressions of individuality.

Which was fine for about two hours, until a follow-up came down from the subcontractor telling us we all had to use the same provided signature block that contained a job title other than what we were … and that’s when everything blew up. Think: we were senior advanced llama groomers, first class, and were being ordered to identify ourselves as llama grooming junior assistants, third class, in all our correspondence.

A couple people began to ask questions and do some googling, and it was gradually revealed that the subcontractor was billing us to the contractor at the higher senior groomer rate but paying us at the much lower junior assistant one (and telling us that was the senior groomer rate!) … and the new email signature was meant to prove to various important people and clients we corresponded with that we were actually junior llama grooming assistants, third class, and to thus justify our low pay scale in the eyes of some people beginning to ask questions during a contracting cycle.

Several people sued; more abnormalities came to light, including that we were entitled by law to PTO in the state we were in, but it had been hidden from us, removed from the handbook, and even hidden inside the timecard software (!).

The chorus of complaints grew very loud, but then everyone in the office was then laid off in several waves across a month or two (no justification provided, just “you’re at will, and it’s our will that you leave now”). Many years later, the lawsuit was dropped, but not until the subcontractor’s name was dragged through the mud and they fell out of favor among contractor llama groomers.

It was a huge mess, caused by a few people using pink Comic Sans fonts that caught the attention of the finance department who then panicked that we might blow the whole billing scheme with our shenanigans.

Well then. Let’s talk about other small things that took down or nearly took down someone or something.

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1. My interviewer didn’t ask me any questions

I just had my second ever job interview (I’m a college student applying to a student job on an editorial team at a big media company). I feel pretty good about it. The atmosphere was nice and relaxed, they seemed enthusiastic about me and my experience, there were no major blunders.

However, what really surprised me was the lack of questions on their part. Most of the interview time was spent on them telling me about their processes and the duties I would have on the job. I was asked one (!) question by one of the interviewers and it was a very general one. He asked me to tell him about the internship I recently had at a related company and “about my life in general.”

I’m satisfied with the answer I gave, but … I prepared for so much more! I spent hours researching the company, thinking of possible questions and preparing answers to them. Now I feel like there were barely any opportunities to showcase my abilities and interest in the job.

What does the lack of questions mean? Is it normal? Is it a sign that they weren’t interested in me after all? Or, to the contrary, is it a sign that they’re already set on hiring me and didn’t feel the need to ask many questions? Please help clear up my confusion! (In case you’re wondering: This is the only interview / final stage, there will not be more interviews that could potentially include actual questions. They said they’ll get back to me with their hiring decision in a couple of weeks.)

It mostly means they’re a bad interviewer.

It’s possible they feel like the stakes aren’t that high with a student job and so they’re more interested in warm bodies and they figured they’d just tell you about the work and see if you want to do it — but I’d argue that also falls under the “bad interviewer” umbrella, because even in a very junior level job, there are great candidates and terrible candidates and everyone in between.

Sometimes, too, the person who is charged with interviewing student candidates is fairly junior themselves and doesn’t have much/any experience hiring and so they’re sort of winging it … but you can see this with more experienced managers, too.

Chalk it up to a bad interviewer.

2. Wedding gift for my boss

My whole team and few coworkers in other departments are invited to my boss’s wedding in August. I wouldn’t have RSVP’d yes except that everyone else at work who was invited is going, so I am too. It’s a weekend in a very popular midwest summer destination about six hours from where we all live, and the cheapest hotel is ~$400 per night with a minimum three-night stay. Honestly, the money is not an issue and my husband and I are not stretching the budget to attend. That said, I feel odd about gifting my boss cash? Especially with the above costs considered. But is a boxed gift appropriate? They don’t’ have a registry that I can find (it’s a second marriage for both and they have lived together for a very long time). Is cash in an envelope going to be weird when 1) it’s my boss and 2) I know that they make three times my salary? Mabye I’m overthinking but the dynamics just feel odd and I’d love some direction.

Yeah, don’t give an envelope of cash. Frankly, I think this is a case where it’s okay to attend a wedding and just give a card, because this is your boss and the rules about not feeling pressured to give upward are still in play, despite it being a wedding. But if you’re uncomfortable with that, can you and your coworkers go in on a group gift based on something you think your boss would like? Everyone else is probably struggling with this problem too and that would solve it for all of you. (Just don’t pressure anyone to contribute — ask other people what they’re doing and present it as an option if people want to.)

Also! You don’t have to go just because your coworkers are going. A minimum three-night stay six hours away is an enormous ask, and I wonder if she issued invitations without actually expecting most of her colleagues to make it! If you’ve already RSVP’d, you may feel locked in, but if we could go back in time I’d encourage you to feel comfortable having a conflict that weekend and just sending well wishes.

3. How to say I won’t work with a specific child again

I have been dealing with a difficult situation at work, and am considering presenting management with an ultimatum. I work in early years education and for the past few months a child in my class (A) has been hitting me, kicking me, throwing water at me, etc. A has additional support needs and is young enough that they cannot injure me (although I did have one bruise that took two weeks to fade). I am one of several teachers in the class but this energy is only directly at me. We’ve had weeks with no incidents, or up to four incidents in one day. The stress of this has caused me to break down in tears several times, once so badly I went home for the day.

I was just informed I will “probably” be teaching A’s class again next year. I do not know if I will be able to return next year if this is the case. Management have said the right things to me about ensuring my safety and that I can take time away if I need to, but the only measure that’s in place is I write down the details of the incidents when they occur and to my knowledge no one has ever looked at this. I have had to fight for acknowledgement that this is a serious problem that requires action and am feeling burnt out and unappreciated. After months of my complaints, the school has started arrangements to hire a shadow teacher to support A but there is no guarantee this will stop this behavior.

I have worked here for several years with consistently glowing performance reviews. I am also uniquely valuable as I possess desirable niche skillset X but without common qualification Y which would entitle me to a 50% higher salary. These things are never certain but I believe they’d be willing to do a lot to keep me. I’m also in the fortunate position of being able to survive financially without this job, although I adore it and would be very sad to leave.

My question is about how to approach this. I read an old letter about presenting an ultimatum and you advised against over-explaining. I agree with this, and am lucky in that there’s not really a middle position, just don’t make me teach A anymore, which makes things a lot simpler. I work for an extremely small school, there’s no HR, and I suspect the reaction I’ll get will be confused sympathy. I don’t feel that anyone understands how stressful the months constant vigilance and random attacks have been and therefore my threatening to quit will make me look overemotional and unprofessional.

You don’t need to go straight to “I will quit over this” — just ask directly for what you want. For example: “I am not comfortable teaching A again for safety reasons and would like them to be placed in a different class.” You might also point out that since A hasn’t attacked anyone else, they might be more likely to thrive with another teacher — but either way, clearly state that you are requesting to have A moved.

If they refuse and you’re willing to quit over it, the next step would be a statement like, “I want to be up-front that this is something I am considering leaving over. Is that the best solution or is there anything else we can do?”

Caveat: I don’t know enough about early years education to know how often this kind of behavior comes up and if it’s something people working with young children are expected to be willing to work around (or for that matter, what the right steps are for the school to be taking, although I imagine other steps do exist since young children are essentially feral creatures). If they see it as something that anyone working with this age group needs to be prepared for, they may feel like the issue is bigger than the situation with A and that it’s more of a mismatch with the work. That doesn’t necessarily change anything about how you should proceed, but it’s something to include in your thinking too.

Related:
how to say “I’ll quit over this”

4. People keep asking me for unpaid consulting after I say no

I’m taking three to six months away from paid employment. I want to move into a new field that’s significantly different — for anonymity, let’s say teapot making to space tech. The only way to focus sufficient time and capacity to achieve this is to take time out from full-time employment. I’m making good progress, and one of my actions has been to reach out to my network to see if they have space tech connections or leads. Sometimes they ask for my resume which, while weighted heavily towards the experience I’m building in space tech, also references teapot making.

What I have found is that some connections interpret this as me being available for unpaid teapot consultancy. I am highly experienced in my old field (30 years) and if I was to consult, I’d charge and earn high fees. However, what is most important right now is time. I have a full program of professional activities to build my space tech reputation and knowledge. I am not looking for teapot projects (paid or unpaid) to fill in time.

I state clearly to these connections that I am fully focused on space tech for the next two months and will not take on other projects until then, but I’ll bookmark their project and if I decide to refocus on teapots after that, I’ll get back in contact. This message does not seem to get through. I get persistent requests to continue to be involved in teapot startups — like emailing me details of a project (which I haven’t discussed or agreed to support) on a Sunday and texting me wanting to speak the same day, then texting me again on Monday morning following up. I’ve had similar experiences where I decline a project and the requestor keeps asking, or behaves as though I’ve agreed to do it when I have said no.

Is this usual in business? Do I need to just to keep reiterating the message that I am focusing only on space tech for the next two months, or is this a culture/communication difference and other wording would be more effective? I want to remain professional and keep the option for future business open (if space tech doesn’t work out), while also communicating clearly without appearing abrupt or rude. Are there any insights or scripts you can provide?

No, it’s not usual, which makes me think something about your wording might not be as clear as it needs to be (although it sounds pretty clear!). I would stop saying that you’ll bookmark their project and get back to them if something changes, since that may be muddying the message. Instead, just say, “I’m not currently taking on teapot projects so can’t help, but best of luck with it.” If you can refer them to someone else instead, you can do that. But otherwise stick with “I’m not currently taking on this work” and don’t get into whether you might change your mind in the future.

After you do that, if someone continues to ask for your involvement, say this: “I apologize if I wasn’t clear: I am not available to assist with this. I hope you can find someone who can help!”

5. Can my job make me close the store five nights a week?

I am a key holder closing the shop three days a week and the other days I do restocking, customer service, etc. Now my bosses are trying to give me five days to close, which I don’t want because it is a lot responsibility and I burn out. Can they force me to do that?

Yes, they can make it a requirement of your job. But you can try pushing back, by explaining that you don’t want to or you’re not available at those hours that many nights per week or whatever makes sense. They can still decide it’s a job requirement for you now, but you can have a discussion about it where you attempt to change their minds. If they want to keep you, they should have at least some incentive to try to find other solutions (if they exist).

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1. The printer destruction

At a past job, management was extraordinarly cheap. My printer was over a decade old and was slowly dying. Normally this wouldn’t be a big deal but it was my job to print payroll and A/P checks and every few checks would jam. It would take me hours to complete this task that should have only taken a few minutes. Multiple times I requested a new printer or a repair but was told it “wasn’t in the budget” and they could only make an exception if it was completely dead and unable to print checks at all. I was just supposed to put in the extra hours to get it done (I was salaried, of course).

When the budget for the new fiscal year came out with another $0 in Equipment & Repair for my department but multimillion increases for executive salary and bonuses, I kind of lost it. I smashed the printer to bits in plain view of everyone, then submitted another request for a new printer stating this one was now dead and completely unable to print checks.

It was approved and I never got in any trouble. I’m normally a pretty shy and quiet person and now that I work in a sane environment, I can’t imagine that I ever did something like that. But that place was a dumpster fire x 10. It took me about three years after leaving to recover my mental health.

2. The metronome

I put a metronome in my desk because I wasn’t allowed to listen to music (even with headphones) (they said it was a safety thing but there was no reason we couldn’t have headphones). I was alone in the room but even stuff like tapping my fingers on the desk when the boss was in earshot would get me talked to. I just needed some kind of noise before I went nuts from total silence. I had it for months and whenever anyone asked me what that noise was I told them I couldn’t hear anything and had no idea what they were talking about.

3. The badgers

I sent coworkers photos of increasingly angry badgers.

My toxic company assigned projects that needed input by at least four teammates in various roles. Rather than go through the hassle of figuring out who missed deadlines, the project owner was always held responsible despite having zero authority. To enforce deadlines, were expected to “badger” our coworkers into prioritizing the work we needed them to do (often over work that affected their metrics).

Every project owner had different strategies. Some bribed via cookies/chocolate. Some went the target’s office and stood there. Some called incessantly. I had a folder of badger photos, ordered from sweetest (sleeping baby badger) to angriest (snarling adult) that I would email to my target depending on how close the deadline was. Emailing my coworkers a giant picture of a badger that looked about to bite them as a deadline reminder was considered completely normal in that culture.

4. The box

I would start each day by looking around the office for a box that could easily be emptied, so that I could quickly pack up my desk in case I rage-quit in the middle of the day.

5. The work stoppage

I worked on a highly dysfunctional healthcare team where the manager of the team had no control or knowledge of what was happening within the team. It was in injury prevention and we consulted to health facilities across a large geographical area.
The most experienced person on the team was well liked by our clients (health care workers) but he was very competitive and a know-it-all. His wife was the executive in charge of our funding, which he let me know within seconds of being introduced to him. He threatened the manager and manipulated her to do his bidding because of his wife’s power. The other team members had control issues, were always busy but were actually under-performing, and were also competitive. I joined the team as a high-achieving go-getter and I out-performed everyone in my initial metrics, and the clients loved me.

My fellow team members were outraged that I would drop onto the team and out perform them and so they systematically froze me out. I got moved to an office that was an annex of an extremely old building, in a dodgy part of the city, with terrible heat in winter and no A/C in summer, leaky roof, and at least 45 minutes from our main office. Most of the projects I was working on were re-assigned. I got tasked with busy work (e.g., copying a protocol from one document to another, moving a pile of supplies from the right hand corner of the storage room to the left hand corner of the room). It got so bad that any work I did was re-written by the other team members, not because it was wrong, just out of principle and so they would have something to complain about.

So, I stopped doing the work It turns out that my office was a few blocks from a pool and a beautiful park. I would go into work in the morning, make sure my was presence was known, and then go workout and hangout in the park for the day. Or, I would go into the office, send an email making sure the team was attached, head to the beach for the day, have some drinks and cannabis, then go home. I couldn’t be fired because I am unionized and they moved me to a part of the city where nobody would ever go, so why not?

Overall it was an extremely stressful and terrible experience, I hated every minute of it, and I eventually quit before my contract was up, which caused a scandal. But at least I got to spend one summer getting paid to be high at the beach!

6. The root canal

Went in for a root canal and told the dentist I was looking forward to a relaxing afternoon.

7. The costly bathroom breaks

A coworker told me that he was working an extra unpaid half hour each day to make up for bathroom breaks, and this is what he’d been directed to do at his last job. He was early career and I’m pretty sure that prior job was his first one out of school so he didn’t realize this wasn’t normal or legal.

8. The disappearances

I work in an office with fairly high turnover for normal reasons (young staffers go to grad school, people move across the country for a spouse’s job, best people get poached by higher paying private industry). This is generally met with congratulations, a farewell happy hour, and a rather frequent rate of return years later!

Except two bosses ago: she took every person transferring to another department, going to school, or moving away as a deep, personal betrayal. She reacted with raging, then silent treatment, and often told people they couldn’t tell anyone they were leaving so during her tenure people just …disappeared. Without a transition plan, never mind the happy hour! I took to noting who she was ignoring and sidling up to ask if they were leaving and if so could we secretly work out a transition plan and a happy hour? Which resulted in scheduling turn-over-your-project meetings on other floors and sneaking out in batches to hit the bar. And then no one mentioning that person in Crazy Boss’s hearing again. The delight when she was fired!

9. The bingo card

I once had an obnoxious, incompetent, noisy coworker. He worked in marketing and was genuinely terrible at it. He was rude to clients and coworkers alike, had a very weak grasp of what our small company did, and talked at his intern officemate loudly and unceasingly. My (then undiagnosed) neurodivergence often manifests as auditory processing issues and a keen awareness of when other people are being treated unfairly. We did not get along.

Alas, he could do no wrong in the eyes of our (also terrible) CEO, and he was there to stay. So my only option was to play bingo.

Since I had no trouble hearing this guy from my office, I created a long list of this guy’s audible offenses. Every morning I had the list randomly populate onto a bingo card, and I’d start checking off boxes as he fulfilled the conditions. Some memorable entries included: yelling “oh come ON” at his computer, blaming the intern for his mistakes, complaining about the website design that he insisted on, threatening to report something to the CEO, trying to say something “politically correct” but somehow looping back around to something wildly racist instead; it was a very, very long list.

It … sort of helped? I was able to redirect my aggravation away from the guy and instead get weirdly excited to check off a bingo box, or annoyed that he did something that wasn’t on my card that day. And it was always fun/depressing to get five in a row. But I absolutely spent way too much time and energy on Asshole Bingo.

(In case anyone is wondering, the free space was “Blew up the Bathroom”. Because he did, every. single. day.)

10. The book

The director of the org decided that their drop-off in client interest and some failed programs were the result of internal communication failures (spoiler: they were not) and assigned all ~200 of us a book on effective communication and required us to attend a two-day in-person training. But the publisher of the book had a strong religious association, and the material was presented via a long, convoluted story about a man who was having trouble in both his marriage and at work because he was stuck in a “communication box.” The story referred to this “box” multiple times on every page.

We were all pissed off about this assignment and, because I am petty (and I was leaving two months later), I scanned a page of the book that was especially box-heavy and replaced every instant of “box” with “penis.” Then I sent it to the multiple printers in my unit, so whoever went to get their print job had to look at a doc that had phrases like, “But to communicate effectively, he would have to overcome his penis.” Another one of my colleagues took the book home for the weekend and brought back a vase of gorgeous paper flowers that she’d made from all 200 pages.

The irony? My unit was the comms staff.

11. The contrarian

I had a coworker who was so argumentative that I started asking her for the opposite of whatever I needed from her because it was the only way I could get anything done.

12. The coveted meeting invitations

In my old job, there was a big premium placed on being invited to meetings, as you would lack key context and info if you weren’t at certain meetings, and I think some were weirdly like a status symbol. I would look at my colleagues’ calendars and when I would see a meeting that I was interested in would try to snag an invite. Depending on the colleague and the meeting, I might be direct about it and just ask if it’s something I could attend, or might say something more indirect like,” Hey, do you know if there’s a meeting planned to discuss X? I very much would like to join if so because that would help me with my work in Y [thing that was tangentially related to X].”

Others did similar things, including a colleague who would just show up to meetings even if they weren’t on an invite. I remember one meeting where the person facilitating basically asked everyone except the core team to leave because there were way too many people there that didn’t need to be.

The whole thing was bizarre and I think a sign of how poorly communication flowed and probably some other toxic traits, but glad to not be a part of that anymore. I didn’t even realize how odd this was until joining other jobs and seeing that this was not normally the case.

13. The budgetary authority

Previous non profit job where my manager would not give me answers to anything, from what supplies to order to how something should be managed, so I stopped asking and would make decisions I had no business making (I was 22!) and in my next job my manager had to remind me to not make major budgetary decisions without them.]

14. The spreadsheet

I worked in a division that devolved into an insanely toxic, backstabbing culture within a few months. It was completely out of step with the rest of the company, and when it was clear that the source of the problem wasn’t going to be dealt with, we all started looking for ways to get transferred to other divisions. Internal politics being what they were, we had to be extremely careful not to leak anyone’s transfer plans before the ink was dry, but also, us underlings were all trying to help each other find spots. Every conversation was a minefield of trying to remember what secrets I was keeping for whom and from whom.

I used to keep a spreadsheet of what I “officially” knew vs what unofficially (but much more accurately) really knew about everyone’s long term plans.

I don’t miss it.

15. The long walks

My last job was 95% pointless little tasks because my supervisor insisted on doing all the actual work completely by herself, so I was really struggling with motivation and focus. She eventually disciplined me for wasting time online (she had screen surveillance software installed without telling me) but I could not for the life of me do a full day of email bullshit and office supplies inventory without losing my mind.

So while applying for everything I found to get out of there, I started taking long walks. I would pretend I was just going to make tea and just disappear (my supervisor never noticed). Our building was the kind with multiple smaller companies inside and was gigantic. There were lots of places one could go without an access card. I found several nice little spaces with comfy chairs and plants and windows, unsupervised kitchenettes with free coffee, and even a storage room from a theater company with giant paper mache dinosaurs.

By the time I actually got an offer somewhere else, I was enjoying this new life so much I almost didn’t take it. I’m glad I still did, though, because it’s still so much more rewarding doing the actual work I studied for.

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