How to take (and grow from) difficult feedback

Early in my (Chantal’s) career, my manager, Scott, shared something in my annual review that I’ll never forget. My sarcastic sense of humor made some people uncomfortable. He recommended that I “tone it down a bit.”

I felt embarrassed and defensive. Since I was young, I’d always leveraged humor to connect and signal mental acuity. The feedback made me question what I thought I knew. Was my presumed superpower actually a liability? The conversation rattled me, and I didn’t know what to do with the feedback.

So often, early-career professionals enter the workforce and receive technical feedback from managers: fix code this way, prepare for a check-in using this template, sequence slides like this for a presentation. This type of feedback is helpful. Too often though, managers are nervous to share behavioral feedback (like what Scott gave to me). They worry that it’ll come across as too subjective and therefore not valid or offensive to the receiver. These are reasonable concerns, but unfortunately, perception can impact how your career progresses. It might be jarring (and unfair) to receive this kind of feedback, but you can actually use it to your advantage.

If you’re lucky enough to have a manager who gives behavioral feedback, here’s how to move from unproductively rattled to productively responsive. This way, you can leverage the feedback to grow professionally.

Be open (not defensive)

As humans, we are wired to self-protect ourselves from danger.  Research shows that feedback activates the brain’s threat response. As a result, it can be difficult to accept feedback.

To resist a fight, flee or freeze reaction, start by giving yourself grace. As humans, we all have blind spots. That doesn’t mean we’re not good enough the way we are. Then remind yourself that every piece of feedback is one person’s perspective, not a fact. We’re allowed to hold it at arm’s length, examine it, and decide if accepting it would support our professional development. When we are “at choice,” we can treat feedback with curiosity, which encourages growth.

Practice gratitude

Saying thank you releases dopamine and contributes to overall well-being. This is a great antidote to the “fear of not being good enough,” which we often experience when confronted with difficult feedback. Take a moment to appreciate the thoughtfulness of the person who is trying to help you develop and explicitly thank them. This might sound like, “I imagine sharing that feedback was difficult, and I’m really grateful you did. It’s important I understand how I’m experienced by others. Thank you.”

Ask open-ended questions

Resist asking the feedback deliverer for numerous examples to back their point. Remember, it’s not a litigation. This approach will ensure that you don’t receive useful feedback from them in the future. Instead, get curious about their experience of you with follow-up questions like, How did that affect you? What else feels important for me to know? What advice, if any, do you have for me?

Resist doing the opposite

When we receive difficult feedback, it can be tempting to respond by doing the opposite of what we’ve been doing. But, critical behavioral feedback we receive is often an overdone strength, not a behavior to abandon entirely.

For example, one client, Izzy, exuded optimism. She always saw the best in colleagues or opportunities and could frequently be heard saying, “Don’t worry, it’ll all work out!” and “Sure, it’s possible, no problem.” Unfortunately, over time, her relentless positivity started eroding her reputation. Some people perceived her to be naive and thought that she lacked critical thinking skills.

Upon hearing this feedback, Izzy felt self-conscious and began to shift her behavior in a dramatic way. She wanted to prove that she could operate with a skeptical eye, “It sounds like I should always be the devil’s advocate in the room,” she said. But this reaction would have created a host of other issues. Other colleagues suddenly saw her as overly negative or even inauthentic. Instead, to support Izzy’s growth, we worked together to invite a little more critical judgment into her leadership to complement her gift of seeing what’s possible. 

When you get tough feedback, instead of over-dialing, figure out specific behaviors that you might be exaggerating. And then, rather than trying to adjust the dial by 180 degrees, try to change it by just 20 degrees.  

Make small adjustments

How do you adjust just 20 degrees? Experiment with new behaviors. Make the experiments small, easy, and playful so they feel appealing versus daunting.

For example, my client, Drew, received feedback that he “talked too much and came off as a know-it-all in meetings.” So he decided to conduct an experiment. For a week, he committed to practicing affirming someone else’s idea and asking a curious question when someone contributed in meetings before saying what he thought. This sounded like, “Lisa, I see how that could help progress things. Who else do you think we could involve to make it happen?’“

At the end of the week, he reflected on how it went, what he learned, and what he wanted to do more or less of the next week. This type of experimentation enabled incremental growth that led to meaningful shifts in how others saw him.

The importance of feedback

All of us need to receive feedback to hone and continue to grow our skills. For me (Chantal), I started paying closer attention to the way my humor landed with colleagues. I started noticing when my sarcasm enhanced connection and the times when too much levity diminished psychological safety or signaled less professional behavior. Scott’s feedback equipped me to use my superpower more skillfully and navigate the nuanced professional realm with greater effectiveness.

Ultimately, we must all know if our humor isn’t landing, our communication is too blunt, or our empathy is overbearing. When we have the courage to hear about how others see us at work and are willing to adjust our behavior, we’re able to have a bigger impact in our careers and in life. 

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