The politics of getting your friends to untag you in photos

There are certain social media rules we can all agree on: Ghosting a conversation is impolite, and replying “k” to a text is the equivalent of a backhand slap (violent, wrong, and rude). But what about the rest of the rules? When can we really remind someone of our old Venmo request? What happens when someone tries to flirt with you on LinkedIn?

Fortunately, terminally online writers Delia Cai and Steffi Cao are here to answer all your digital quandaries, big or small. Welcome to Fast Company’s new advice column, Posting Playbook. This week, Steffi opines on what you should do when you don’t want to be tagged in the group photo.

How should I tell my friend I look bad in the group photo and want them to untag me?

So you’re looking through the group iCloud after a night out, where your Type A friend has uploaded all the photos. You swipe through and immediately cringe. Oh no! This was not the sultry, chic, carefree pictures you thought you took together. Your hair is messy, you’re not at your optimal photo-taking angle, your skin isn’t at its best, you can see your undereye circles, your cheeks are puffy from last night’s ramen, your smile looks kind of…weird. And then, Defcon 10: Someone posts that group photo on their public Instagram feed. And they’ve tagged you. Que horror!

What you should do is just tell your friend you want to be untagged. Yes, I’m all for learning to be okay with the different ways your face looks, and the importance of body neutrality, but if it’s going to discomfit you to the point of distraction, just tell them. That’s your friend after all, right? In all likelihood, they’ll tell you that you’re beautiful and perfect (you are) and respect the untag. No one is responsible for your own self-perception, but we’re all going through the same mental obstacle course of being constantly exposed to technology-influenced ideals of beauty, so we can at least be polite about it.

There’s been a lot of coverage about how we were never meant to see ourselves this much, and it still rings true. Social media has lured us into believing our faces are insufficient under the microscope of the infinite scroll. By the metrics of the wider celebrity and influencer landscape, everyone else seems to have glass skin, a defined jawline, a cinched waist, shoulders that could be drawn in perpendicular lines—so why don’t we? Not to mention, everyone can be made into content by any phone at any time, making us more conscious than ever of how we look from every angle. While content used to be a window into life, saved for special occasions or those with the technological access and capability, now, every moment of life is a frame for content. Meals, daily routines, nights out, routines at home. There’s an emphasis to make every aspect perfectly aspirational.

We don’t have to accept it, but in the meantime, we need to find ways to manage it while understanding that it’s not the healthiest choice for our lives. Overall, my stance is that the proper etiquette is to let everyone select their favorite photos before running to post them online. Everyone’s relationship with their own bodies is so personal, the least we can do as people going through the same thing is to respect an Instagram request when it comes up.

How should I introduce myself in a group chat?

At this point, we have seen every kind of group chat introduction under the sun, ranging from “hiiii this is sarah so excited to be here~” to “Victoria.” It can be daunting to introduce yourself, especially in a big group, but moreover, it’s more important to start standardizing it all.

My take is that we should all start introducing ourselves in group chats with a simple first name-last name text, simply for the organizational purpose of logging contacts into everyone’s phones. There are no nicknames in my phone, no emojis for loved ones. Everyone is saved by their government name. Toss a “hi!” in if you want, but I need it to be short and informative. Cut the nonsense. I don’t need to know that you are excited to be in the group chat—we all are, and I’m looking forward to hanging out with you. The information I need is an ID.

Especially if you’re introducing yourself via text outside a group chat, I also encourage that you add context as to how you both know each other. Everyone is overstimulated, and it’s nice to keep that reminder in. I have 322 unread text messages from a lot of unsaved numbers because I can’t figure out who “emilyyyyy :3” is. Did I meet emilyyyyy at a work event? At a bar? Through a mutual friend’s birthday party? What’s wrong with: Hi! It’s Steffi Cao, glad I ran into you at the bookshop. Let me know when you’re free for coffee! I don’t care that it doesn’t reflect my loud and abrasive personality! I’m here to make our phone storage easier. Bring back organization! I will learn about your cute and dazzling personality IRL!

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