You can learn to be a better listener. Here’s how

Few Zoom calls have made me quite as self-conscious as my chat with Robert Biswas-Diener. An executive coach and psychologist, he recently coauthored a book on “radical listening.” Like many people, I’d assumed that I was a pretty good listener, but what if I’ve been doing it all wrong? 

By the end of the conversation, my fears have been confirmed—of the half-dozen skills he describes, I demonstrate only half. 

The good news is that we can all improve, and the advantages appear to be endless. 

By lending a more attentive ear to the people we meet, we become better negotiators, collaborators, and managers, while enhancing our own mental health. “It can be an antidote to many problems,” says Biswas-Diener.

Better listeners = better on the job

Being a good listener is a lot more than staying quiet and periodically nodding politely. There’s a practice called “active listening,” and research confirms it’s one of life’s most valuable skills.

Consider a study from 2024 by Guy Itzchakov at the University of Haifa in Israel and colleagues. The team first asked 1,039 workers across various industries to judge their colleagues’ listening skills by rating statements such as, “When my colleagues listen to me, they genuinely want to hear my point of view” and “They show me that they understand what I say.” 

Over the following five days, they found that these scores predicted each participant’s commitment to their organization, their emotional resilience after stressful events, and their willingness to cooperate with other employees. 

Feeling heard may be especially important in times of uncertainty. A survey by Tiffany Kriz, an associate professor of management and organizations at MacEwan University in Canada, for instance, has shown that bosses with better listening skills are far more effective at soothing feelings of job insecurity following layoffs. 

It is not just the people around us who will benefit. Itzchakov has found that people with enhanced listening skills enjoy better mental health through their closer connections with their colleagues. They are less likely to suffer work-related burnout, for example.

The question is, how do we go about improving the habits that we have always taken for granted? That’s why I called Biswas-Diener, whose book on the subject, Radical Listening: The Art of True Connection, came out earlier this year.

Your step-by-step guide to becoming a better listener

The first step is practical: Eliminate as many distractions as possible. 

Close the door to your office, put your cell on silent, shut your laptop—whatever you need to focus solely on the person in front of you. No one likes being “phubbed” (phone snubbed) as you check your notifications. (Hands up: I’m guilty of this.) 

Now’s the time for the mental work, which begins by establishing your intention for the conversation: Do you want to be entertained or to learn something new? “That’s going to guide what you’re paying attention to,” he says. 

At the same time, you should identify your conversation partner’s intentions: Are they looking for advice, practical support, or compassion? Each will require a different kind of response. This principle, called “optimal support matching,” should prevent those awkward moments that could lead to misunderstandings. 

Remember: Part of being a good listener is knowing the appropriate thing to say based on what you heard while you were listening.

In many conversations, you will need to navigate disagreement. This means raising your intellectual humility so that you don’t carelessly dismiss the other person’s point of view. “It’s not posing as if you have less worth than another person, but recognizing that your opinion may be limited and biased,” Biswas-Diener says. 

“And if you don’t like what the person’s saying, you can always be curious about them,” he says. Listen, instead of looking for a fight.

The psychological research shows that small signs of genuine interest in other’s views can be incredibly disarming. It both defuses the potential for conflict and encourages the other person to acknowledge their own doubts, so they are more receptive to your point of view. That may be because people tend to overestimate how much others are intent on changing their mind, and any display of open-mindedness will allay those fears. Being a humble, active listener, and simply asking someone why they have come to a particular judgement, can lower their defences, thus potentially making the communication more successful.

Whenever possible, you should also validate the qualities that you admire. “Maybe you don’t like their personality, but you can always acknowledge how honest, forthright, or reflective they are,” Biswas-Diener says. Listen carefully to find something you can compliment.

Finally, and perhaps most counter-intuitively, Biswas-Diener suggests listening and then actively interjecting at apposite moments. While this may seem to run against all good-etiquette guides, a few ecstatic interruptions—“yes!”, “I was thinking the same!”, “I didn’t know that”— can raise the energy of the conversation and emphasize your interest in what they are saying. For similar reasons, you can feel free to finish someone’s sentence for them. 

Even negative feedback—such as cutting in to explain that you have already heard the story before—offers proof that you are listening, whereas patient silence can seem cold, distant, or distracted. 

The speaker’s reaction will all depend on your timing and how much airtime you expect to take: Remember to balance any interjection with the all-important listening. “If I jump in and jump out, it’s a completely acceptable interjection,” says Biswas-Diener. “The only time they’re not comfortable is when you grab the podium.”

An entire mindset shift

I’ve been practicing these skills for the three weeks since I first spoke to Biswas-Diener, and I have already noticed some of the benefits. 

Despite some reservations, I’ve been braver at interrupting people mid-flow, and was pleasantly surprised to see the energy of the conversation rise as a result. Changing the way I listen changed the way both my conversation partner and I act during the discussion, in really productive ways.

By mentally clarifying my intentions, I have found that work calls are much more efficient and rewarding, and by demonstrating more curiosity in alternative points of view, I have found that successful compromises are now far easier to find.

Biswas-Diener suggests that, like our physical muscles, these empathic abilities should build over time. 

“You can even practice it when listening to radio interviews, and ask what the interviewer is doing well.” 

Those subtle signs of humility, curiosity, and acceptance will soon become far more obvious to you. “You’ll start hearing listening,” says Biswas-Diener. 

And by emulating them, you will soon build stronger social connections. 

View the full article