Why being a people pleaser at work can backfire

We all know the people pleaser in the office—the one who takes on extra work, stays late without being asked, and is at the full disposal of the department manager. They also may agree with whatever the majority says and will dodge conflict, even though they are in the right. But does this mentality pay off? Likely not, say experts. 

Who exactly is a people pleaser?

A people pleaser is someone who abandons their own needs and values to try and make someone else happy, explains Amy Morin, a psychotherapist and the author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do. While on the surface, you may think this selfless approach will fast-track you at work, however, this mindset can hurt your job success. Here’s how:

Your ideas won’t be shared: Your rah-rah attitude, or fear of making waves could be a barrier, especially in brainstorming sessions. “You may not disagree with anyone or offer different opinions due to fear you might upset someone,” says Morin. Plus, this facade could prevent you from speaking your true opinions. “You also might agree to things you don’t really believe in, because you fear your ideas might be frowned upon,” she says.

You won’t demonstrate leadership skills: If you want to advance in your career, it’s critical to showcase your ability to lead a team. “It’s important to be able to say ‘no,’ and if you can’t, you’re going to go along with bad ideas or you might get talked into doing things that are bad for the company,” says Morin. “You aren’t likely to be promoted if you look like a doormat.”

You won’t advocate for yourself: Being a people pleaser can cause you to be afraid to speak up when you need to at work. You won’t ask for a raise, speak up when you’re treated poorly, or ask for what you need, Morin says. If you don’t advocate for yourself, others are likely to surpass you.

You dilute the quality of your work: Being a people pleaser can usurp both your time and energy. “If you’re always saying ‘yes’ to helping other people, you’ll have less time and energy to devote to your tasks,” cautions Morin. “The quality of your work is likely to suffer because you’ll be spread too thin.”

You shield your authenticity: People also don’t get to know the real you when you don’t share your true thoughts or personality. A people pleaser might feel lonely because they don’t get to develop authentic relationships with people, says Morin.

You take on others’ emotional baggage: You don’t have the power to make others feel happy—and if you try, you might grow frustrated, says Morin. “People pleasers often blame themselves for how other people feel, so you may assume you’re doing something wrong if your efforts aren’t making them happy,” she says.

You can hinder your own success: People pleasers shy away from difficult conversations about their progress or tend to avoid advocating for their own development, says Michelle Reisdorf, district president at Robert Half in Chicago. “This can hinder their career growth and potential opportunities,” she says. 

You don’t set healthy boundaries: People-pleasing employees can get stuck with a heavier workload because they don’t speak up more when work is unloaded onto them. ”If someone struggles with setting healthy boundaries, they may end up taking on more work than what is manageable or accepting demands that fall outside their typical responsibilities,” says Reisdorf.

How can a people pleaser pivot themselves to self-advocacy?

It can take a plan and then practice for effective strategies to collaborate and cooperate without people-pleasing, but having the will is the best springboard to turn the page on being a doormat. “It might involve finding ways to speak up and say what you need, while recognizing that no one has to give you what you’re asking for,” says Morin. She notes it can take planning and practice to get better at collaborating without turning to people-pleasing. But it is possible to improve, says Morin. “It might involve finding ways to speak up and say what you need, while recognizing that no one has to give you what you’re asking for. 

So, if you’re uncomfortable speaking up for yourself, start small, advises Morin. “Share one idea at every meeting you attend,” she suggests. “And, when you share ideas often, you’ll see that there will be times when people disagree or dismiss your ideas.” The goal is to get more comfortable with that. As you ease into this plan, she acknowledges there will also be times when people really like your ideas and you may find it feels uncomfortable to be the center of attention or to receive praise, but this is part of your growing strategy. “Exposing yourself to that feeling will also help you grow more comfortable with it.”

Another key component of breaking this pattern is to accept that you can’t make everyone happy and sometimes there will be conflict. Disagreements are part of any healthy relationship, and they often lead to better solutions and new strategies, she says. “You may need to work on yourself to recognize that you’re still an okay person even if someone disagrees or is angry with you.” 

If you always say yes, set out to say no or disagree at least one time per week, Morin recommends. You’ll see how others react and respond to you when you decline an invitation or express yourself. “That can help you see that people aren’t likely to get as upset as you imagined or respond with anger,” Morin says. “And if they do get upset, it’s just another opportunity to practice tolerating your discomfort and coping with those feelings.”

Additionally, setting boundaries can allow people pleasers to feel empowered. This path can lead to more confidence and self-advocacy. “Once you’ve assessed your bandwidth, I recommend discussing it with your manager or a trusted mentor to develop a work plan that establishes clear boundaries and aligns with both your well-being and the team’s goals,” says Reisdorf with Robert Half. 

This more measured approach can be liberating and help you avoid project overload. “Setting attainable and measurable goals will help guide your efforts, keeping you accountable for your progress while also highlighting areas where you might have the capacity to support others in a more balanced and sustainable way,” says Reisdorf.

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