4 signs your work is hurting your personal life

In a 2014 commencement address at her alma mater Dartmouth College, TV writer and producer Shonda Rhimes told students, “Whenever you see me somewhere succeeding in one area of my life, that almost certainly means I am failing in another area of my life. If I am killing it on a Scandal script for work, I am probably missing bath- and storytime at home.”

Her comments are true reflections of what work-life balance is, says Janna Koretz, clinical psychologist and founder of Azimuth, a Boston-based provider of therapy services. 

“When people think about balance, they think about it feeling good and being the right amount of everything,” she says. “I think—especially moment to moment—that doesn’t exist. Instead, we should be thinking about how to successfully integrate [the] two things so that most of the time they’re possible.”

To find the right blend, you need to examine your work life and determine where it’s negatively impacting your personal life. Koretz shares four common signs:

Your identity is too tied to work

To know if your work is infringing on your personal life, consider how you would respond if someone asked, “Tell me about yourself?”

“Can you say things that aren’t about work?” asks Koretz. “A lot of times, [people] can’t come up with anything. They feel, ‘I don’t know who I am,’ especially if they’ve lost their job, and don’t have anything else.”

If your job becomes your sole identity, it’s likely crowded out or replaced important things in your personal life.

You feel guilty about other commitments

Feeling guilty that you’re not doing enough in other realms is another sign that work is creeping into your personal life. For example, you may feel guilty that you have to pick up your kids because you have a lot of work waiting for you back at the office, says Koretz.

“It’s not feeling guilty all the time, but guilty about the choices you’re making, whether they be personal or professional,” she says.

You’re avoiding small tasks

When people think about burnout, they usually think about being exhausted. While Koretz says that’s a big part of it, another aspect is avoidance. Avoidance and irritability go hand in hand during burnout, says Koretz. If you are avoiding small tasks at home, such as walking the dog, or at work, such as responding to emails, it could indicate that you don’t have enough emotional energy. 

“If there’s too much of this in your life, it’s getting in the way,” says Koretz. “Life becomes all about little irritants. They grate on you and become a chip on your shoulder.”

You feel disconnected

In addition to avoiding small tasks, you may start disconnecting from activities and interests you normally enjoy, which could be another sign that your emotional energy is drained. You may also feel emotionally disconnected from the people in your life. 

“A lot of people talk about living in a ‘roommate stage’ with their significant other,” says Koretz. “While people can go through ebbs and flows, it’s about not knowing what’s going on with your friends, not feeling like you have friends, or not feeling like you can call them with your worries because you haven’t spent a lot of time with them lately.”

Spending time with friends and hobbies is about finding joy and having more baskets for your eggs, explains Koretz. “We are very tribal, social beings; it’s biological,” she says. “A World Health Organization study on older adults found that loneliness contributed significantly to cognitive decline and depression and death.”

How to correct the problem

If you recognize yourself, Koretz suggests asking yourself, “Why am I unhappy?” Go beyond the general reasons, such as feeling like you have too much work to do and dig a little further. Identify your core beliefs and values to make sure your job is still aligned with them. While your work doesn’t have to be meaningful 100% of the time, you shouldn’t feel like a cog in the wheel all the time, either.

“A lot of people are doing work that isn’t meaningful to them and that contributes to overwhelm,” says Koretz. “What motivates people, what brings them joy, is finding meaning.” 

Once you understand what is meaningful to you, make a plan to design your life around it. Koretz says it doesn’t have to be executed right away, nor do you have to make giant strides. Identify small steps you can take and create a career map, figuring out what’s possible and when it makes sense. For example, you may decide to keep your high paying job until you pay off your student loans in five years. 

Knowing something isn’t forever can make it easier to bear, which Koretz likens to how doctors get through the burdensome schedule of the residency or fellowship stage.

“Burnout can be due to feeling stuck,” says Koretz. “When you realize you can get out and you have tangible steps, you can become excited about where you’re heading, and that changes the dynamic so you can be better at integrating your personal and work life.”

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