Do you just hate rejection or do you have ‘RSD’?

Having rejection sensitive dysphoria, or RSD, is physically painful, all-consuming, and disproportionate to the event that triggered it.

While a neurotypical person is able to recognize rejection, rationalize it, feel bad about it, and then move on with their day fairly quickly, RSD feels like a bull has charged at you and headbutted you in the chest, and it comes with a tremendous amount of shame.

RSD is defined by the Cleveland Clinic as “severe emotional pain because of a failure or feeling rejected,” and is a symptom of the emotional dysregulation often seen due to the extra criticisms a person with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) will have encountered as a child.

What it’s like

My RSD used to rule my day-to-day office life and therefore my career. I lost count of the number of times I was told that I took things “too personally.” Being late for work was excruciatingly painful: I either overexplained or shut down entirely. If someone replied to my email and it didn’t match the energy of my original email, I’d feel rejected.

I was often unable to focus on my work because my brain was replaying a social encounter. I often assumed someone didn’t like me if they walked past me in the corridor without a few words of friendly small talk. I used to over-apologize a lot because I always assumed that disapproval was imminent.

RSD made me scared to ask for help. I watched other, less competent people get promoted above me simply because I was too scared to ask for a promotion. And if I sensed I was about to be fired, I’d seize whatever control I could by quitting before they could say they didn’t want me there anymore.

The multiple ways RSD can affect your career

If you’re someone with RSD, it can hugely shape your career. Firstly, colleagues may think you’re rude, because RSD can turn people into blunt communicators. You’ll want to get in and out of social interactions as quickly as possible because, in your mind, the less you say, the less chance there is for criticism, rejection, or talk behind your back. However, being a snappy communicator is often perceived as rudeness, which actually increases the chances of sensing negativity from others.

You may not ask for help, because this is an extremely vulnerable thing to do, and it’s preferable to struggle with a task than risk having a colleague reject your request.

Having both RSD and a compulsion to not let anyone down is hard because the people pleaser within you makes it impossible to turn down work, yet the RSD within you makes it impossible to hand in work until you are certain it’s perfect. Burnout is inevitable when you’re constantly adding more to your work pile but also struggling to offload anything.

As someone with RSD, you’ll be extremely empathetic due to a heightened awareness of emotions. As a result, you’ll tend to communicate with all human beings in the same way. But this worldview can cause friction in the workplace, where there is usually a clear hierarchy. Speaking to your boss in the same manner as you speak to your colleagues seems natural to you, but can cause tension at work, and when you sense that tension, yet another trigger will be created.

How you can manage RSD in the workplace

There are strategies you can implement to take away the power that RSD has over you and help you thrive in the workplace.

Be honest with your team. Have an open conversation about what RSD is, how it affects you, and what measures can be put in place to help manage it. This topic is likely new for everyone, so while lots of people will want to accommodate people with RSD, many simply won’t understand how, or will worry that they’ll come across as patronizing.

Have a plan for when something triggers you. Remove yourself from the office and take some time. Analyze the event and separate the facts from your feelings. Reevaluate whether the person meant any harm by what they said or did, and reapproach the event with a calmer mind. Try not to react in the moment, as this often leads to irreversible shame from an RSD-fueled office outburst.

Unless someone specifically tells you that they have a problem with you, assume they don’t. If someone has a problem with you, especially in the workplace, it’s their responsibility to let you know directly, rather than you trying to read their mind.

When you’re spiralling, take a break. Breathe, repeat positive self-talk, and remember all the amazing qualities that you bring to your job. Remind yourself that your work isn’t bad, incorrect, or not enough; it’s done, it’s completed to a very high standard, and that’s more than sufficient.

Always remember your worth and advocate for yourself in a way that minimizes the effect of RSD on your well-being. And if your current workplace doesn’t offer the support you need, you can leave and find another job that will value you, RSD and all.

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