Leaning into this simple quality will make you a better boss

Ever find yourself behind the wheel watching all the other cars go by and think to yourself, “Man, I’m a much better driver than all these clowns on the road?”

It’s a funny thing about this question. Pretty much everyone reading this is likely to say “yes.” It seems we all think we’re better drivers than the next guy.

In a landmark 1981 study, psychologist Ola Svenson asked people in the U.S. and Sweden to rate their driving skills compared to the average person. The results? Around 80–93% rated themselves “above” average—statistically impossible—with an eye-popping 93% in the American sample doing so.

Psychologists call this “illusory superiority,” the human tendency to think we are better than average at pretty much everything. We think we are smarter, kinder, more generous and even funnier than other people. And it turns out, this unbecoming bias sneaks right into how positively we think we show up for the people we lead. 

Research shows that leaders who consistently act as a genuine positive force build deeper trust, stronger commitment, greater resilience, and higher team performance—yet most of us overestimate how effectively we do it.

Which leads to a question worth pondering: Would you consider yourself above average as a positive force for the people you lead? If your answer was “yes” (and let’s be real—most leaders consider themselves exactly that), the research has a gentle but eye-opening reality check coming.

The Ratio That Separates Thriving Teams from Struggling Ones

Renowned psychologist John Gottman, who spent decades studying successful marriages at the University of Washington, discovered something remarkable: thriving couples maintain roughly five positive interactions for every negative one. He called this the “magic ratio.”

In short, consistent positivity (appreciation, encouragement, humor, support) far outweighs criticism or conflict in building trust, resilience, and lasting connection. For example, a couple might have a tense disagreement (even a heated argument), but if they quickly follow it with affirming words like “I value your perspective,” a warm touch, or shared laughter, the relationship remains strong, healthy and enduring.

And, as Gottman later found, the exact same dynamic plays out in leadership and teams: When leaders foster far more positive interactions than negative ones—even amid tough debates or feedback—the group builds trust, stays resilient, and performs at a higher level.

But here’s the catch that makes this especially challenging for leaders: the math is stacked against us from the start. Researcher Roy Baumeister’s work on negativity bias shows that negative experiences and feedback land four times harder on humans than positive ones of similar magnitude. If you wonder why, it’s because our brains were wired this way in our evolutionary past—to ensure threats got priority attention and helped our species survive.

As leaders, this means every difficult conversation, performance critique, or unpopular decision lands with amplified force—easily overwhelming praise or encouragement unless we intentionally counterbalance it. And this imbalance explains why maintaining a high positivity ratio doesn’t happen by default. Instead, it requires deliberate, daily leadership practice rooted in genuine intention and sustained effort.

And what’s the reward for this vigilance? Positive psychologist Barbara Fredrickson’s research shows that people who experience consistent positivity become more creative, resilient, collaborative, and better at solving complex problems. At the same time, negative workplaces do the opposite—they narrow focus, heighten defensiveness, and limit innovative thinking. In other words, positivity from leaders doesn’t just make people feel good—it expands what their brains can do, leading to greater creativity, collaboration, and performance.

Neuroscience sharpens this point: chronic exposure to negative leadership—criticism, unpredictability, fear—elevates cortisol levels in measurable ways. Sustained high cortisol undermines focus and clear thinking. In other words, leaders who lean heavily negative (sadly, there are many) don’t just demoralize people—they biologically constrain what their teams can accomplish.

These findings are part of the research foundation behind my book, The Power of Employee Well-Being. One of the central conclusions is simple but powerful: leaders shape the emotional climate their teams experience every day—and that climate (positive or negative) quietly determines how well people think, collaborate, and perform.

What Being a Positive Force Actually Looks Like

Contrary to what may be commonly assumed, being a positive force has nothing to do with being relentlessly cheerful, avoiding hard conversations or sugarcoating reality. The truth is leaders like this are mythical—and wouldn’t survive long in business were they real.

Instead, leaning into positivity means being solutions-oriented rather than problem- or fault-obsessed. It means being genuinely curious about your people—truly interested in what matters to them—and consistently showing it. This shows up through encouragement, kindness, and the psychological and emotional safety that lets employees bring problems to you early, before they become crises. It also means actively looking for what’s working and praising it—rejecting the outdated belief that too much praise spoils motivation—more often than focusing on what isn’t.

The behaviors that sustain the 5:1 ratio are deceptively simple. Showing genuine interest in your people. Expressing appreciation specifically and sincerely. Listening attentively rather than waiting to respond. Beginning team meetings by celebrating wins before tackling challenges. Asking “how are you—and how are you really?” and meaning it. Gottman found these same behaviors to be the glue that sustains marriages over decades. They work the same way between leaders and the people they lead—and over time they determine whether teams merely function or truly thrive.

The Blind Spot You Need to Close

Here is the uncomfortable truth that brings us back to where we started. In study after study, leaders rate themselves significantly more positive, approachable, and encouraging than their direct reports rate them. And, sadly, that gap is wide. Illusory superiority convinces most of us that other leaders need to improve their positivity—not themselves—a belief that keeps many from even trying. To that I say, your people already know if you are a positive influence in their lives. The only question is whether you do.

So, go find out. Ask your team—genuinely and not performatively—how positive a force you are for them. Ask your most trusted colleagues, your peers and even your boss. If the news isn’t ideal, listen without defending. Then go use the feedback to change your presence and influence.

Being a positive force is not a personality trait or a one-time fix—it is a daily leadership discipline that shapes the emotional climate your team breathes every day. Choose it intentionally, and you don’t just improve performance; you help people become more of who they’re capable of being and elevate their well-being.  As I often say (and one of my core mantras): “The most powerful thing a leader can do is make people feel better about themselves when they leave your presence than when they arrived.”

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