I cry when people give me compliments, a terrible singer in a volunteer choir, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I cry when people give me compliments

So … the subject line kind of says it all. I cry when people give me compliments. Not a “you look nice today” kind of compliment, but the sincere, drawn-out, vulnerable kind. I always have and I’m not sure why, other than maybe I’m just a Very Emotional Person, although I’m generally even-keeled and not prone to emotional outbursts.

I am a manager whose department is going through a reorganization, so I am switching teams and direct reports. I’ve worked with my current team for about three years and they are a wonderful group. I think I have very healthy boundaries, but also when you’ve been someone’s manager for three years, it’s hard not to develop some kind of attachment to them. People have shared very private and personal things with me, I’ve done what I can to support them through intensely difficult times, etc.

The transition phase for this reorg was deliberately a bit lengthy, so it’s been a very drawn-out goodbye. At the last couple of team retros, some of the team members have talked about what I’ve meant to the team, how much they’ll miss me, the impact I’ve had, etc. I cried both times. Then I’ve been doing a round of last 1:1s and one of my employees really opened their heart up about how much they’ve enjoyed working with me. And I cried then too.

I am glad to hear the feedback and happy to know that our working relationship was positive for them too. But I’m so mortified that I cry! And trust me, I do not have a pretty cry face (does anybody?). I wish I could just say, “Thank you, that means a lot” and get on with my life the way everyone else seems to. I’ve apologized for crying and told them I’m embarrassed, but they just say things like, “Don’t be embarrassed! It’s because you care so much that it’s emotional for you, and that level of care is what makes you such a great manager!” which has triggered more crying.

I don’t want to tell them to not express their appreciation. So maybe I should talk to a therapist about why I cry at compliments? Or just embrace the sensitive and sentimental side of myself? Or try really hard to disassociate when people give me compliments?

Aw, I think it’s okay that you’re crying in these situations. But you’re probably making it more awkward than it needs to be when you tell people you’re embarrassed by it, so I’d stop doing that. You can just say, “Thank you, that means a lot to me — as you can see!”

I’d be more concerned if you were crying in other situations, like when someone disagrees with you or you get difficult feedback, because that can make people reluctant to have those conversations with you in the future and can make it seem like you can’t handle pretty routine parts of professional life. But crying because someone has moved you with an expression of appreciation is a different thing.

I’m assuming you’re not, like, sobbing when this happens — if you are, then yes, that’s something worth talking with a therapist about. But getting a little teary? Totally fine in this context, and you might find it less embarrassing if you decide to just be matter-of-fact about it!

2. Was I wrong to say I’d miss a deadline if I was assigned more work?

I work at a small web development company with about 20 employees. I’m a regular employee, not a manager or even a senior employee. We work 32 hours a week but are paid for 35. We’re supposed to have Fridays off, but we need to remain available for “emergencies.” I have mixed feelings about this: since we’re paid for 35 hours, it’s hard to complain if we end up working three hours on a Friday, but it also means we can’t plan anything for that day.

From March through April, I was assigned to a stressful project with unrealistic deadlines. During those eight weeks, I worked at least 35 hours every week, and on two consecutive weeks I worked 40 hours. Any hours above 35 went into a time bank to be used later for appointments and such. I was doing my part to get the project delivered.

During the final week of the project, my project manager asked during a daily stand-up how she could support me through the end of the project. I replied, “Everything is on track. The only thing I need is not to be assigned additional tasks or projects until the go-live.” I probably added a nervous laugh too.

Two weeks after the project ended, I had my annual review with my manager, Fergus, who is also a developer. Fergus told me I shouldn’t have said that in the stand-up meeting. He said it was insensitive to say I didn’t want more tasks without knowing whether other employees were also working Fridays and overtime. I replied that I had answered honestly because that was genuinely what I needed, and that delivering the project successfully was my priority. He didn’t push the point further, and we moved on with the review.

This has stuck with me. Should I not say what kind of support I need when my project manager asks directly? That feels completely backwards to me. I don’t really know whether my coworkers were also struggling with their workload, but it’s not my responsibility to monitor that. I help when asked and I step in during stand-ups when I can contribute. Was this just Fergus, tired of working Fridays himself, projecting on me because I tried to assert myself?

Your wording seems fine to me. You weren’t saying, “You can’t under any circumstances assign me anything else.” You were saying, “Everything is on track as long as nothing additional gets added on to my plate; if it is, that would change my ability to make the go-live date.”

Is Fergus generally someone who nitpicks wording or has rigid expectations about how people should communicate? If not, I’d chalk this up to him being stressed during a period of high workload, or just a miscommunication where he thought you were refusing to take on anything else, not just explaining how it would affect the first project.

(Also, if you’re exempt, this pay set-up is legal, but if you’re non-exempt, they’re legally required to pay you for all the hours you work — so if you’re paid for 35 hours but work 40 hours, those hours need to be added to your paycheck, not banked for use later.)

3. A terrible singer in a volunteer choir

I’m part of a volunteer choir. While we perform, it’s non-audition so there’s a real focus on having fun. It’s a lovely, fun experience with one exception: one singer in the tenor section sings very loudly and very off-key (in the “peel the enamel from your teeth” fashion), to the point where when he sings I’ve genuinely seen people wince or jump at the sound. It’s like being ambushed by a turkey bashing at a xylophone.

He clearly knows that he sings loudly enough to bother other people but doesn’t particularly care about amending his behavior: he’s made jokes a few times to other people that he’s surprised he hasn’t driven them off with his volume. He also makes a point of coming to stand at the front of his section which – because of the layout in which we stand – means everyone is impacted; some of the alto/soprano parts have tactfully asked other tenors to try and get that seat so we’re not so impacted, but so far there have been no takers! (The impact of the sound is also enhanced by the fact that no one else in his voice part sings particularly loudly, so you only ever hear him.)

I’m sure he’s a perfectly pleasant guy and it’s not his fault if he’s tone-deaf, but the effect this is starting to have on the rest of us (plus the fact that he’s clearly aware there is at least some issue but doesn’t try to correct it) is really having a negative impact. It’s incredibly distracting when we sing together and is starting to affect people’s enjoyment of the choir. Multiple people have said it bothers them, and some even some said they don’t want to come anymore because of it. We suspect that our choir leaders over the years have been aware of this problem, because the tenors have been having far more generic, “let’s try singing that part again” coaching since Turkey Guy joined our ranks. However no leader has seemed to pull him up on this directly, most likely because we’re non-audition and people are never pulled up on “errors” for that reason.

Plenty of people sing rather imperfectly in our choir, but the off-key plus incredibly shrill volume is making this a double whammy. It’s impacting my enjoyment of the choir so much that I’m tempted to lay this out to our choir leader, say how much it bothers multiple people’s enjoyment of the group, and ask if it would be possible to suggest he tone the volume down. As this is a voluntary group though, I don’t know if there’s anything else I should take into account. Any advice?

Yes, you can do that! If it’s driving you and others to consider leaving the group, the leader should know that. You’re not making a demand; you’re saying, “This is affecting the enjoyment I get from participating, and since I’m at the point of considering leaving over it, I wanted to bring it to you and see if anything can be done.”

In general I’d try to avoid speaking for others — but if other people are telling you unprompted that they might leave over it, you’re allowed to reference that too, so the leader is aware it’s not just one excessively sensitive person.

The leader might choose not to do anything about it, but it’s information they should have. And really, dealing with this kind of thing is their responsibility; if it’s the first time a potentially awkward conversation has come up, they’ve been lucky.

4. Should I tell my boss to fire our new hire?

We just hired someone for my team who is, to put it lightly, not doing well. I work on a team of analysts who do a lot of technical writing for a niche industry. There are four levels, and he got hired at level three (so fairly advanced). But so far, he has:
1) failed to complete basic tasks on a reasonable timeline despite handholding from me, my boss, and another coworker,
2) provided work that is riddled with spelling and grammar errors and a lack of basic grasp of the technical concepts, and
3) often been unavailable during standard work hours and non-responsive to time-sensitive requests,
4) while exhibiting a real “I’ve got it, no worries” attitude.

I’ve given him kind but firm feedback when he messes up things that we work on together, and I’ve also been making pretty pointed comments to my boss about my concerns about his performance. My coworkers have expressed similar frustrations/concerns.

Should I straight up suggest to my boss that she should fire him? I’m worried about stepping over the line, but I’m also worried she won’t take action before his probationary period is over, and then we will be stuck with him (it’s very hard to fire people here once they’ve passed that mark).

It’s not overstepping to tell your boss that, having worked with the new hire closely, you don’t think he’s able to do the job that your team needs done. For example, you could say: “I’m concerned that Bob isn’t able to do the work we need from his position, even with feedback, and that if he stays past his probationary period, it will cause real problems for the team.” You could add, “I’d love to say I’ve seen improvement or the potential to improve, but everything I’ve seen so far makes me think that’s unlikely.”

5. Do I need to apologize for my email address?

I am an elder millennial born in 1988. I still use the email address I made up when I was 12 or 13. I have my birth year in my email. Let’s say it’s MyName88@fakename.com.

Recently I found out that the number 88 has an anti-semitic meaning. Had I known or ever heard of this, I would never have put it in my email. My fear was that the “88” in my email will be seen as a dog whistle to certain people. To rectify this, I have made a new email address and am slowly transitioning over to it. But sometimes I forget to use my new one.

I recently applied for a job using the old email address. Total accident — just an error in the slow email transition process. I made it through the first virtual interview and my next step is an in-person interview.

Should I bring up the 88 in my email address during the in person interview? I’d prefer not to dwell on this, but I value integrity too much to let a suspicion like that go uncorrected. I’d rather squash it now so we can move past it.

It’s extremely unlikely that anyone will think that; they’ll assume it’s your birth year or your graduation year or something like that (and I say this as a Jewish person). If you were giving off other signs that you were a giant asshole, then the “88” might be interpreted through that lens, but otherwise you’re fine and no one is likely to suspect you put the number there to let everyone know you hate Jews. You don’t need to bring it up (and shouldn’t).

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