My boss is playing favorites. What should I do?

Welcome to Pressing Questions, Fast Company’s work-life advice column. Every week, deputy editor Kathleen Davis, host of The New Way We Work podcast, will answer the biggest and most pressing workplace questions.

Q: My boss is playing favorites, what should I do?

A: So much of adult life can feel like you’re perpetually stuck in high school: gossip and office politics, making friends, and who the boss favors. If you feel like your boss is playing favorites, the first step is evaluating why you feel this way as objectively as possible. The more specific you are about the problem, the more specific you can be about how you address it. A vague feeling of “I think you like Sam more than me,” doesn’t have much of a solution. 

• Do other employees get more opportunities to work on high-profile projects?
• Do other employees seem to get more leeway to make mistakes?
• Are your colleagues getting promoted or praised and you aren’t?
• Does your boss just seem to like your colleagues more or have formed a friendship with them and not you?

Once you pinpoint what’s wrong (and it may be more than one thing), you can address the issue directly. Your feelings of being left out and overlooked are totally valid and worth bringing up. 

What you shouldn’t do however is pit yourself against your colleagues. If you view it as a competition, you will lose. Your work is to improve your situation, not destroy someone else’s. A rising tide lifts all boats—or at least it should. 

Whatever the issue, approach it as a problem you and your boss will solve together, not an accusation.

If your colleagues are getting more opportunities

So much of my workplace advice boils down to the same thing: Have a conversation with your boss. It’s the most obvious move, but also the thing that so many people avoid. If you want more opportunities to work on high-profile projects, set up a meeting with your boss and tell them exactly that.

Don’t frame it as something they owe you. Instead, come to the meeting with some ideas of what you’d like to do. Explain how it fits into the company’s goals, as well as your career goals. It wouldn’t hurt to also have some examples of why you are ready for this new level of responsibility, too. Presented like this, even if your boss says “no,” they will be pressed to give you a reason and likely a time frame for when you can take on more.

If your colleagues are getting promoted and praised

When your coworkers are getting praise and promotions, it can feel particularly hard to not view it as a competition. But again it’s best to focus on yourself and your work. Follow all the advice for getting a promotion: Work above your current title and make sure your boss knows about your accomplishments.

If you are doing all of those things but your colleague with the same title just got a bump up and you didn’t, you can be more explicit in your next check-in. Try something like “I feel my work is at the senior associate level. Can you help me understand what it would take for me to get to that level?”

If your colleagues get more leeway to make mistakes

This is tricky, as you likely don’t know all the factors behind what causes mistakes at work. Pitting your failures against someone else’s isn’t likely to end well. Instead, focus on getting feedback on your work and owning up to your mistakes if you make them. If your colleagues make mistakes that impact your work, deal with them as constructively as possible and outline your problem-solving to your manager.  

If your colleagues are allowed to make continuous mistakes, there will eventually be repercussions. If not, it’s a red flag for a toxic culture that you likely don’t want to be a part of. 

Your boss just seems to like your colleagues more

This is both a professional and a personal problem and the type of problem that can make you feel the most like you’re back in high school. Some people just click more than others. You can be a friendly colleague and just not form a close personal relationship with someone. You can do the work I mention above to try to change the way your boss views your work, but you can’t really call a meeting to say “You like Dave more than me.”

If there is an unprofessional level of favoritism or personal relationships between your boss and your colleagues, you can try to delicately raise it with your manager’s boss, or HR if you feel comfortable. But tread carefully.

If you just feel like you want better relationships at work and it’s not clicking with your manager, look elsewhere. Make friends in other departments or start a project with someone on another team. Not only will it make you feel less alone, it might help your boss see how valuable you are.

Want some more advice on favoritism at work? Here you go:

• What to do when your boss favors a colleague over you
• How to deal with a boss who plays favorites
• How to deal with favoritism at work

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