6 signs you might be a bad listener and what to do instead

We live in a world that seems to get busier and busier! Not only do we have our daily work tasks but we also have more meetings, longer commutes, and more interactions with more people in more locations than at any time in the history of work.  

In addition to the many real and present external distractions, there are also internal obstacles to great listening. Our internal worlds can be loud. At times, they are a blaring noise of emotion, attitude, and motives that can make it impossible for us to give others our full attention. 

As two positive psychology experts, we’ve identified six of the most common internal barriers that can interfere with your ability to listen well, and developed a framework of six “radical listening” skills that can help you have better conversations and build better relationships.

Six barriers that prevent you from listening well:

1. Comparing: “It happened to me!”

Sometimes, the topic of a conversation seems to invite you to share your own, similar experiences. Rather than appreciating the speaker’s experiences, you are mentally reminiscing and preparing to offer your own carefully chosen anecdote—that time that you scheduled a business meeting in a dim sum restaurant where the waiting staff interrupted every couple of minutes to offer you some delicious delicacies. We call this comparing. What is it they are implicitly asking for in the conversation? It might be admiration from you, an acknowledgment of their enthusiasm, or a bit of respect for their work.

2. Competing: “That’s nothing—I have had it much tougher than that!”

People are social creatures and it is common for friends and colleagues to share challenges they are experiencing. An office mate might say “I’m really struggling to get through my emails! I have over 200 unread emails sitting in my inbox!” It is easy to assume that they are looking for some sympathy or perhaps some ideas for dealing with the overwhelm. Instead of offering either of these, however, you respond, “Just 200? I have over 1,000 emails that I need to respond to!” We call this competing. Again, there is nothing wrong with sharing your own experience, but it runs the risk of appearing unsympathetic, self absorbed, or checked-out.

3. Mind reading: “I know what you’re going to say.”

Can you think of any recent interactions in which you were pretty sure what was going to happen even before the conversation took place? This is called mind reading. This bias—even if it was rooted in experience—interfered with our ability to engage positively with the team. Mind reading runs the risk of focusing on your own assumptions rather than the views and interests of others. Unless you are actually a mind reader, believing that you know what other people will say becomes a barrier to genuinely listening.

4. Unsolicited advice: “If I were in your shoes . . .”

A leader of a team in another department confides in you how difficult it is for them to take a vacation and totally unplug from work. This is an instance that calls for optimal support matching. Rather than breaking out the toolbox, it is wiser to listen to what is being asked for. It might be that your colleague would appreciate some suggestions. Or, it may be that they just want someone to commiserate with them. Whatever the case, one thing is certain: If you are busy giving unsolicited advice—attempting to solve another person’s problem—while they are talking to you, then you are not listening.

5. Priority status: “I know best.”

Imagine you are in a work meeting, and people are discussing a technical issue that is in your area of expertise. You have had years of experience resolving technical issues just like the one being discussed! The problem—where listening is concerned—is that it is easy to believe that this expertise should give you priority. We call this priority status and it occurs when people quit listening and, instead, rush to share their own ideas. To be certain, people typically share their own perspectives out of a desire to help. Although there may be some merit in doing so, it is still the case that your enthusiasm to share your own ideas is likely to mean that you will have stopped listening to the conversation.

6. Time poverty: “I don’t have time for this.”

Unfortunately, there are only twenty-four hours in a day, so there is a tendency to feel like time is always in short supply. This so-called time poverty can interfere with our concentration and focus. In these situations, we can come across as impatient or appear to have made a judgment about the significance of what they are saying. This impatience will make people feel that you do not value what they have to say and that you are not listening. 

How to practice radical listening:

So what can you do instead? We’ve developed a framework of six core “radical listening” skills. Instead of letting barriers take over, try to implement these skills instead. Using these skills does not mean that you must agree with the person speaking–rather you are letting the other person openly express their views, leading to conversations that foster stronger connections.

1. Noticing requires the listener to be attentive during conversations. When a person is good at noticing, they can direct their attention to what is most important for a particular interaction. Noticing includes the ability to pay attention, scan for information, and determine what is relevant. 

2. Quieting is the ability to bring a sense of calm to the conversation by using silences and strategic pauses. This involves managing internal dialogue and emotions so that the listener can give their full attention to the conversation. 

3. Accepting can be particularly challenging for some people. This involves adopting a stance of openness to what others may bring to the conversation. The listener respects the right of others to hold personal opinions and accepts their views as permissible within the conversation.

4. Acknowledging is the act of explicitly recognizing the efforts, perspectives, strengths, values, or principles of the other person. When we acknowledge others, they feel seen, understood, and appreciated. 

5. Questioning is the skill of asking thought-provoking questions that demonstrate interest and curiosity. When used intentionally, questions can encourage deeper reflection, new perspectives, and innovative ideas. 

6. Interjecting, at first glance, may seem out of place as a skill of listening. In this case, interrupting your conversational partner is used to show full and enthusiastic engagement. Interjections are used to build energy, strengthen connections, and show interest.

Excerpted from Radical Listening: The Art of True Connection by Dr. Robert Biswas-Diener & Dr. Christian van Nieuwerburgh. Published by Berrett-Koehler Publishers Copyright © 2025, All Rights Reserved.

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