Performance Tracking and Feedback

A reader writes: This is a bizarre situation that happened years ago and I always wonder how I and my boss should have handled it. I don’t drink alcohol for personal reasons. My boss, Walter, was aware of this — in my field, happy hours with clients and coworkers are common, and I’d usually attend and have a soda but made clear to Walter early on that I don’t drink. Relevant information: I have some moral qualms with it personally — not judging what anyone else partakes in, but it’s not something I have an interest in consuming myself. I have known a lot of alcoholics, and while my own abstinence from alcohol isn’t religious, I do think there are some similarities to th…

A reader writes: Should I give my coworker a heads up that everyone in our office sees her (Beth) and another of our coworkers (Sean) flirting and thinks they’re sleeping together? I’ve personally seen them chit chat and act all giggly together, as well as “check each other out,” like look each other up and down. Sean is twice the age of Beth, but Beth is still almost middle-aged. I think other people in the office are gossiping hard and, while I’m not 100% certain there’s anything going on (they’re both married), I heard that our director said something to Sean so now they don’t stop by and chat as often. Should I tell Beth how this friendship with Sean is coming off …

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. I want to opt out of my company’s “wellness” messages My company regularly pushes out “wellness” content to all employees — things like tips on diet, exercise, mental health, and mindfulness. The problem is that we don’t have the option to opt out, and I personally find a lot of the content intrusive or irrelevant. For example, I’ve received messages about topics that touch on sensitive health issues I’d rather not have my employer involved in. I don’t want to seem ungrateful or negative since I know the intention is to promote wellness, but I really dislike having this material pushed on me without a choice. I’ve tri…

A reader writes: I am a supervisor for a small-ish organization with very few male employees. “Amy” started working here in January, but does not report to me. Earlier this week she asked if she could talk to me, and told me that one of the men in her department was making her very uncomfortable. Since she started working here, “Ben” makes comments to her about how beautiful she is, saying things like, “I’m sorry for staring at you. You’re just so beautiful.” She said she’s attempted to make small talk with him in the hopes that as he got to know her, he would talk to her about other things. Apparently things escalated two nights ago as everyone was leaving work. Ben to…

Earlier this month, we talked about corporate gifts that went terribly wrong. Here are 15 of my favorite stories you shared (and 15 more about coming next week — apparently there are a lot of bad company gifts out there). 1. The playing cards One Christmas, we were all handed packs of playing cards with the company logo … not great but not terrible. Everyone can use a deck of cards right? The we opened them. Instead of the normal hearts/spades/numbers etc., the cards had our “company values” printed on them. They were custom made for a special game, like Go Fish. You were supposed to build “sets” of matching values. Like “Go Fish,” you were supposed to ask, for example…

A reader writes: For the bulk of my working life, I’ve been a very low-level lawyer in Washington, D.C. who managed to scratch my way into a few government contracts with the Department of Justice over the years. This definitely wasn’t my dream (poetry is … sigh), but things worked out this way and mostly it’s been okay. After using your book (which was great), I was eventually hired full-time by another agency last December, but DOGE killed my position very shortly afterwards before I even finished onboarding, and since then I’ve been scrambling, since the whole legal ecosystem in D.C. is a mess and jobs have vanished. Recently, a couple positions at DOJ were advertis…

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. Can I refuse to fetch my manager’s personal mail? I work in a room with my manager and two colleagues, and between them they order 3-10 personal packages to the office a week. They don’t get up to answer the door even when they’re sitting chatting rather than working; unless I’m on the phone, they expect me to get it. I’ve brought this up with them, but they don’t think it’s unfair. I’ve even injured myself fetching their heavy packages, and the manager’s solution was to email the team telling us to ask delivery drivers to put packages on the floor. That doesn’t solve my problem. It comes across as very entitled to ex…

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. HR says I can’t use sick leave for a family emergency Recently, “life happened” and I took a day off from work because I needed to take care of some things and I wasn’t feeling mentally well. I emailed work in the morning and said that a family emergency came up so I needed to take a sick day. That seemed like the most honest description of what was happening at the time without giving too much detail. When I returned to work the next day, I submitted for sick leave. HR emailed me asking for details, saying that sick leave is provided for employees’ illness or injury, and that for other situations we need to use PTO. …

It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Remember the letter-writer whose coworkers were joking that she was pregnant when she wasn’t — including having a local radio host congratulate her on her “pregnancy”? Here’s the update. I was reading AAM as I do every afternoon when one of the recommended posts catapulted me back into my past. I’m the reader who wrote to you about six years ago about my co-workers who wrote into a local radio station to pretending I was pregnant as a “prank.” I’ve been meaning to share an update for a while now, and this felt like a sign In th…

A reader writes: How far can “other duties as assigned” in a job description stretch? My company is asking us to do an assignment that is wildly outside our normal job roles. Imagine that we write user manuals for the a vacuum company, and now they’re telling us we have to go out and do 2-5 weeks of door-to-door sales in another city, 12 hours a day, for 6 days a week. We’re all salaried so the hours are within the legal limits, but the work is nothing like what we were hired to do. We have not been trained in sales and many of us feel very uncomfortable doing this work, especially when it means leaving our lives behind for as much as a month. When we’ve raised this, …

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. How much should I expect to hang out with my coworker on a week-long work trip? I have an upcoming work trip that I’m feeling a little anxious about, mostly because I’m unsure how to handle the social side of things. It’s a week-long trip with just one coworker. They seem lovely, but we haven’t worked closely together before. I’ve traveled with larger groups in the past, and in those situations the unspoken norm seemed to be: do dinner together at least once or twice, and apart from that, it’s okay to stay in or go out on your own if you prefer. After all, there are others in the group they can spend time with if they…

A reader writes: I was on a Zoom call today with my direct report and an intern. I momentarily took off my headphones to blow my nose and put myself on mute. However, through the headphones I heard my direct report say to the intern, “He’s so clueless!” I am struggling with the best way to respond. Not only is this unprofessional behavior, but I have spent a lot of time training the direct report and have praised her to the higher-ups, as well as recently encouraged the leadership team to give her greater responsibility. So it feels a bit as a betrayal as well. She’s a millennial and I’m the youngest of the boomers if that matters, which it shouldn’t. What would be the…

A reader writes: This year, several people in my reporting line have asked for last-minute vacation days because a partner or friend “surprised” them with a trip or event – already booked and, of course, non-refundable. Each time we’ve bent policy so they don’t lose out, but it’s starting to feel like we’re rewarding poor planning (or very confident gift-givers). One person has even done it twice! Everyone making these requests is in their early 20s, while I’m over 40 and feeling more curmudgeonly every day. Is this a generational thing – maybe inspired by TikTok surprise reveal culture – or just pure luck that I’d never encountered it before? What really gets me is th…

A reader writes: I have an older male coworker who frequently asks me about my office hours and makes comments about my presence in the office. To provide some context, my department has a flexible attendance policy, while his department requires that he be in the office five days a week. I suspect his comments are passive-aggressive, especially since he has previously complained resentfully to me about other team members’ attendance and about his own in-office requirements. Some examples of comments he’s made to me: “What is your in-office schedule? Because I never know when you’re here.” “Are you in the office today, because I came to your desk earlier, but you were…

A reader writes: I wonder if you could offer your perspective on something I’ve been wondering about for a long time now. When I was 16 years old, I got my first job. The culture was one that I now recognize as abusive, and teen employees were regularly taken advantage of in some awful ways. At the time, though, it was my only experience with the professional world, and I assumed that much of it was normal. I had excellent attendance and was always on time, but on one particular day, I was extremely sick — could-not-get-out-of-bed sick. (I would later find out I had scarlet fever, so extremely contagious and potentially dangerous.) I was scheduled to work that day, so…

A reader writes: I’ve worked part-time at this company for a little over a year. It’s my first job out of college. I work in events, so my hours can vary wildly — during the weeks leading up to an event, I can be working 35-45 hours a week, but the slow times can be 5-15 hours a week. I’ve been promoted once already since working here, about eight months in, to a role that was sort of invented for me. It’s very much a small, creative, wear-a-lot-of-hats kind of company. We have another big event coming up, and the event’s producer has approached me about taking on two additional roles for this project (in addition to my current one). In my current job, I’m responsible f…

A reader writes: I run a small business that supplies a product to major companies. To keep the details anonymous, let’s say that we supply garments to a few mid-tier clothing retailers that you can buy in the mall. The problem is that one of my employees two levels down (he reports to someone who reports to me), Dave, behaves as though we’re making clothing for Gucci or Prada. This causes enormous production headaches. It means everything moves much more slowly through his department, because he is extremely conscientious about quality. That is admirable, but it results in things like being short with our subcontractors because they have not produced the products to his…

A reader writes: I started at my company about five years ago after being laid off from my previous company due to Covid. Once I started here, I was shocked to discover that one of my old friends (Susan) who I was very close to in college (which I had graduated from 10 years prior) worked at the same company in a different building on the company’s campus. I reached out to her briefly on Teams just to say, “Oh wow, I had no idea you worked here. If you’re ever near my building, pop by and say hey and maybe we could grab a coffee.” She responded warmly and we had one brief conversation in my office, and that was the last time I saw her for months. We were in different de…

If you’re the boss, finding the right gifts for your employees can be fraught with questions: How much do you spend? Should you spend the same amount of money on each person? And if you don’t know someone well, how do you make sure they like the gift while still keeping it professional? For the record: managers don’t have to give their staff members gifts, but it’s a nice gesture if you want to do it, and in some offices it’s expected. (Although here is your obligatory reminder that because of the power dynamics involved, gifts at work should flow down, not up. Managers should never expect or encourage gifts from employees.) A while back, New York Magazine asked me to p…

I’m off today so here’s an older post from the archives. This was originally published in 2020. A reader writes: I’m the executive assistant for a small company. I’m the direct support for the VP of human resources, “Dave,” who is very charismatic and likable and a generally nice guy. He’s also very good looking. However, he’s very professional with great business boundaries. I enjoy working with him. Two managers in particular, “Karen” and “Nancy,” need to meet with him all the time. All. The. Time. Their departments aren’t undergoing any HR issues, they don’t have any staffing needs, and they’re not hiring or firing anybody right now. They call to schedule multiple m…

It’s 12 more holiday stories! 1. The elves Our office did Elf on a Shelf last year to determine who worked the holidays and who didn’t. The office had always closed for a week at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year with pay but the brass had decided they wanted people working in office during the holidays. Instead of telling us months in advance so we could mitigate our plans and come up with a fair way to distribute work and time off, they told us the week after Thanksgiving and thought it would be fun to get a bunch of those creepy Elf on a Shelf things, put them in every department and have the “Elf” decide who works. Every morning we’d get a company wide email fr…

Welcome to “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager! Between now and the end of the year, I’ll be running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. A heads-up about update season: for the next few weeks I’ll be posting at midnight, 11 am, 12:30 pm, 2 pm, 3:30 pm, and 5 pm (all times are Eastern)* … at a minimum. There will sometimes be additional posts at random times throughout the afternoon as well! Also, if you’ve had your letter answered here in the past and would like to send in an update, there’s still time to include it so go ahead and email it to me! * That’s Monday through Thursday. Friday will be unpredictable. The post the sch…

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers. 1. My office has a wall of shame with the names of people who are late or out sick We had a Very Ballsy coworker bring it up in a staff meeting, demanding to know whether they preferred we infect all the people, children, and families we worked with every day in order to avoid being shamed for our own illness. (Yes, this was a preschool/daycare.) She also pointedly asked why *management* who called out sick or were otherwise not present were not included on the list. They did …

A reader writes: I was the original poster who wrote about the hometown hero American Idol contestant. Every time it has been posted, lots of people guess who it was or hope it was their favorite. And I have kind of wanted to let everyone believe it was their guy. But also, maybe the actual guy and his family should get the accolades. It was Christmas 2008 at Children’s Hospital Colorado, and it was Ace Young and his family. As I said, I had never watched the show but knew of him. But he had serious charisma. And distractingly bright blue eyes. I still remember how many grown adults giggled and blushed. The post the identify of the hometown hero is revealed appear…

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. Is it OK to let my staff fail? My boss intimidates a lot of my staff. I’ve worked on more exposure, getting to the root of the issues, preparing for meetings, common questions, etc. A lot of it is that the boss knows her stuff, and you can’t BS her. My star performers work great with her, with a high level of mutual respect. I’m about to go on leave for an extended period of time. I’m C suite level, with a division of a couple hundred under me. While I’m out, stuff will be reported directly to her. Honestly, more people working directly with her will really help them become more comfortable with her. We’ve got a regu…