my coworker makes absolutely everything about herself

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I work in a department of nine people. We all get along well, but I’m struggling with how to handle my frustrations with my colleague, Marrgo. Margo is possibly the most well-intentioned person I’ve ever met, but she has the infuriating habit of bringing every conversation back to herself to explain how she understands or has been through the same thing.

This week, the transmission in my car died. When I was lamenting to the group that I was now facing the financial hardship of either repairing it or buying a new car, Margo told me, “I get it. I just had to buy brand new tires for my car.”

A month ago, a colleague’s father passed away and Margo told her, “I’m sorry. I know just how you feel. My dad had Covid last year.” He had a mild case and recovered quickly.

When a colleague was dealing with pain related to her cancer treatments, Margo expressed her concern and then shared that she totally got it because she has foot problems.

The parents in the group try not to talk too much about our children because not everyone in the department is a parent, but when the subject comes up, Margo knows exactly what we’re going through because she has a nephew … who lives on the other side of the country.

Margo truly doesn’t mean harm with these statements but the way she minimizes others’ ordeals by comparing them to her own is frustrating. Is there a way to politely let her know that simply saying she’s sorry is preferable to bringing everything back to herself?

I would love to know whether Margo is trying to one-up people — or at least equate her struggles to their own — or whether she’s truly trying to empathize and just doing a terrible job of it.

Either way, this is the kind of feedback a manager is best positioned to address.

That doesn’t mean you can’t try it yourself, but as not her manager you might be better off just addressing it in the moment when it’s particularly egregious. If she compares a stubbed toe to a coworker having cancer treatments, there’s no reason you can’t say, “I don’t think those are really comparable.”

Also, if you have a pretty good rapport with her, you might be able to take her aside privately and say something like, “I know you didn’t mean it this way, but it sounded like you were comparing your stubbed toe to Jane’s cancer, and a couple of days ago you compared a parent with a mild case of Covid to Falcon’s parent who died. I know you didn’t mean to minimize either situation, but I don’t think those comments are landing the way you intended. I wanted to mention it since I know you’d never want to hurt someone’s feelings.”

Will it work? Maybe, maybe not. If you say the above and nothing changes, you probably just need to decide that this is what Margo does and internally roll your eyes when it happens (or hell, bluntly reply “not the same thing!” when you’re inspired to). But it’s worth a shot, and if she’s really as well-intentioned as you say, she might be grateful for the heads-up.

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