my incompetent boss can’t handle that I won’t be his friend

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I have a manager who you would deem unfixable, and I’m currently job hunting so I can put him behind me.

In the meantime, I’d love your advice on how to handle this very emotionally draining situation. It has been two years of trying to fix him and I’ve exhausted every avenue, including seeking help from his manager. He’s not changing and I know that; he is very much out of his depth in the role, has poor professional instincts, and is emotionally juvenile.

Last year, he blew up at me after I tried to reopen a conversation about my concerns regarding his shortcomings (obviously not phrased like that lol) and, after realizing that buying me a sweet treat wasn’t going to paper over my ongoing concerns started spiraling out because I was no longer being as chatty or friendly with him as before. I have to make clear that I was still being scrupulously professional and polite – just not being buddy-buddy. He started sending me two or three emotionally charged emails a week explaining how he was overwhelmed at work, was doing his best, and that asking for anymore was too much and also trying to apologize but not apologize for his behavior. This ended in me going to his boss and her putting a stop to the emails, but not addressing any of the substantive issues regarding his overall competency.

Fast forward to this year and his shortcomings are even more pronounced, despite his promises to do better. Fine, whatever. My way of dealing with my (overwhelming, disabling) anger toward him and his victim complex is to be scrupulously professional and polite. However, because of his poor professional boundaries, he can’t stand that I’m not being warm towards him and keeps trying to ask if I have any concerns (despite knowing what the concerns are) and pushing me to be friendly toward him. I then feel very awkward and guilty for choosing to establish sound professional boundaries. The long, rambling emails are beginning to start up again too. It’s a punishing, stupid emotional cycle.

Help! I think I need reassurance that what I’m doing is not bad, that I’m not responsible for the awkwardness of the situation. Do you have any other insights to share?

I want to know more about what “scrupulously professional and polite” looks like, because there are different ways to implement that. There’s an obviously frosty version (one that strongly conveys “I am speaking to you only because it’s required for my job but I do so with zero warmth toward you as a person”) and there’s a version that … well, doesn’t make that quite so clear. Where are you on that spectrum?

It would be understandable if you’re more on the chilly side of that continuum, given all you described, but that doesn’t mean it would be wise — particularly with a manager who you know will spiral from it. If you are being frosty or frosty-adjacent … well, you’re allowed to, but it’s probably going to make your work life harder for however long you remain there.

You don’t need to engage much beyond work and basic pleasantries, but you should at least appear to speak to him with a reasonable amount of human warmth and good will. A good litmus test is whether an outside observer watching you interact would know you disliked him, or whether they’d find your side of the interaction utterly unremarkable.

But if you’re confident that you’re getting that balance right, then here is the reassurance you requested that you’re behaving reasonably and you are not responsible for the awkwardness of the situation.

I do wonder if there’s any value in saying, “I get the sense that you want us to have a chattier relationship, so I want to be up-front that I need to just focus on work when I’m at work. It’s not personal and you don’t need to apologize for anything; it’s just what I need to balance my life right now.” It might not make a huge impact, but maybe that would give him something to calm his mind when he starts to panic about why you’re not available to him in the way he seems to want.

Otherwise, though, tell his boss that the long, rambling emails she shut down earlier have starter back up and ask if she can squelch them again.

That question about the balance is really key, though.

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