boss leads terrible meetings, old manager is undermining our new manager, and more

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss leads the worst staff meetings ever

Every month my boss leads an all-staff meeting, and it is awful. Normally he is a pretty good boss, and I enjoy working with him. But this meeting is regularly 1.5-2 hours long and largely irrelevant to half the staff because it is mostly geared towards one team (out of 4). My boss also tries to make these meetings “fun” by asking people for personal pictures — at one meeting he showed pictures for 45 minutes before even getting to the business/informational part, during the height of our busy season. I manage a team of 10 people and regularly receive feedback from them that they find the meetings tedious and uninformative and my boss only gives out praise to one team (not my team).

I have tried speaking with him about this, mostly related to the personal photos part, which I feel can get off the rails towards inappropriate. That went nowhere so I dropped it since I understand that it’s impossible to make a meeting relevant to every employee.

But recently other managers came to me with similar issues, and we decided to push back together. Another manager and I asked him for a meeting and presented some of the feedback we had received from our teams. We asked him to keep the meeting to an hour, present important information first, spread praise evenly between teams, and allow employees to opt out of the “fun” parts by having picture/story-sharing at the end. These changes would make a huge difference to most of the staff.

Unfortunately, this feedback was not well received, and the fallout has been rough. My boss told me that he spoke to other employees and they “love” the meetings and get a lot out of them (I assume this is from the team who regularly gets praise). He also said he wants the meetings to be about “culture” and not information because we are fully remote and don’t see each other often. He essentially blamed me and my team for not finding the meetings relevant. He suggested that I train them to share more in the meetings. I told him I am not willing to force people to share personal pictures/stories and that while culture is important, the most we can require from an employee is to be respectful and helpful. I was dismissed until we could go over this again.

At this point I don’t hold any hope he will change the meetings, but I would like him to understand I’m not going to force my team to participate beyond attending. I’m at a loss on what to do.

The changes you asked for were very reasonable!

But he doesn’t agree with you, and it doesn’t sound like he’s going to. This might just be what you’re stuck with (as it sounds like you’ve concluded, too).

However — you said “other managers,” plural, came to you with similar concerns, but it was just you and one other who met with your boss about this. If there are managers who haven’t yet addressed it with him directly, you should push them to. It’s possible that if he keeps hearing it from others, it’ll eventually get through.

But as for getting him to understand that you won’t force your team to participate beyond attending: is there any reason to assume he’s going to keep making an issue out of that? It sounds like he suggested they participate more, you said you won’t require that, and it ended there. I wouldn’t assume that part is going to keep coming up (especially since he didn’t raise it himself until you broached it).

2. Our old manager is constantly undermining our new manager

About a year ago, our manager (Veronica) moved to an adjacent department, and someone on our team was promoted to manager (Jane). Jane has a lot of very relevant experience and took the job mostly because nobody else wanted it, although she is qualified.

Veronica was an excellent manager and really helped improve our department. During the transition period, she still attended and ran all of our meetings. Well, a year later she is still doing that. If Jane says anything, Veronica immediately discredits what she says and/or speaks over her. I would say 30-50% of our meetings is Jane trying to get a word in and Veronica shutting her down or trying to make her look incompetent. At this point, the meetings are infuriating to attend and are completely unproductive.

If Jane goes on vacation, Veronica takes over even though we have a very competent assistant manager. She posts unnecessary announcements, meddles in our work, and speaks poorly about Jane during meetings. We also get emails from Veronica contradicting what Jane has told us to do. My coworker was once specifically told in writing to do something X way even if Jane tells her otherwise. The majority of the team has commiserated about how crazy this all is.

Jane is aware and is fed up. She thinks it’s ridiculous and embarrassing, but she is close to retirement so I think she’s just not up for fighting. She did recently mention that she had thought of bringing it up to their boss but isn’t sure how to approach the conversation. (They report to the same boss, who seems approachable although I have not had much one-to-one interaction with him.)

Is there anything I can do? If Veronica gives me direction contradicting what Jane says, I go to Jane, but other than that I am not sure what else can improve our crappy working environment.

Encourage Jane to bring it up with her boss! What you’re describing is ridiculous, and if her boss is at all decent, he’d want to know it’s going on so he can either intervene himself or coach Jane is how to shut it down. In fact, if he eventually does hear about it through sources other than Jane, he might be alarmed that she never told him it was happening.

You could also encourage Jane to tell Veronica that while she appreciated her help during the transition, she’s going to be running her team’s meetings herself now, thinks it’s causing confusion to have them both there, and will let her know if she ever needs to pull her in as a resource, but otherwise prefers to handle it independently from here. Ideally she’d also tell Veronica to stop trying to fill in for her when she’s out — that she has an assistant manager who will be running things, and she doesn’t want Veronica stepping on the assistant manager’s toes or undermining that person with the team.

But Jane really needs to tackle this herself; having someone else (you) alert her boss to the situation would risk reinforcing that the approach she’s taken thus far has been too passive.

3. Giving feedback as a project lead, not a manager

I am a project lead on a large team. I work on one specific project myself, and if anyone else on the team is also working on it, I’m involved and review their work. I have no managerial authority over them, and level-wise am either equal or slightly more senior. I have no problems giving feedback relating to the work itself, but I’m struggling to figure out how I should handle feedback that I think would normally come from a manager.

For example, people frequently come to me with problems without putting in any effort to fix it themselves first. If I was their direct manager, I’d have no problem pushing back on what they’ve tried first or directly setting the expectation that they should try to fix the problem before coming to me, but that seems maybe heavy-handed to do as just a project lead?

Another example is having to remind people multiple times to do tasks that I’ve already reminded them to do. Again, if I were their direct manager I’d have no issue addressing the pattern, but that feels like overstepping when I’m not their manager.

Am I off-base in thinking these are things I shouldn’t handle myself? And if not, would these types of things fall into the “not my business” bucket or the “escalate to manager” bucket?

You can definitely push back when people come to you with problems they haven’t tried to solve themselves first, even though you’re not their manager! One low-key way is to ask, every time, “What have you tried so far?” If you ask that every time, most people will figure out pretty quickly that they’re supposed to be doing that … and if they don’t, it’s okay to say, “I’m always happy to help when you get stuck but I want you to learn this stuff, so try to ____ (check the training materials/check the documentation/look at how we did it in the past/whatever makes sense here) first, and then if you’re still not sure, come to me at that point.”

But having to remind people to do things is “escalate to manager” territory; that’s a performance issue that their manager should be aware of. However, before you do that, try saying, “I’ve noticed I’ve been having to remind you of tasks, which I should’t be the one tracking. Can you come up with a system to make sure you catch all that stuff on your end first?” Then if it keeps happening, talk to your boss about it (at which point you can say that you’ve specifically flagged it, but to no avail).

4. Do I have to sign a non-disparagement agreement?

I work at a nonprofit that has been taken over by an appointee of the new administration, but I am not a federal employee. Our staff is being slashed, with employees who are excellent at their jobs and vital to basic operations being let go. The new administration is completely non-transparent — I and more likely to hear about staffing changes in the news than through initial channels, and they have otherwise been dishonest in both internal and external communications, particularly in regard to finances. I think it is only a matter of time before I am also axed.

Most employees being let go been required to sign non-disparagement agreements. I plan to fully disparage the new administration if let go, even if it means not getting severance. If I am called into HR to be fired or otherwise given notice, what options do I have? What consequences should I expect if I refuse to sign? Any advice to keep my wits about me in the moment?

It’s very typical to be asked to sign a non-disparagement agreement in return for severance (along with a general release of any legal claims). The thinking is they don’t want to give you money they don’t need to give you if won’t agree not to badmouth them in the future. It’s a way for them to extract some advantage from the severance agreement for themselves.

You can decline to sign, but it will almost certainly mean you don’t get severance. There aren’t really other consequences, though! You can simply say, “I’m not comfortable agreeing not to speak publicly about what’s happening, so I won’t be signing.” (Or you can be even vaguer and say you’re not comfortable signing without specifying why, or say nothing at all and see if they even ask.) It’s unlikely to be a big deal; they’ll just make sure you understand that you won’t be receive severance if you don’t sign, you’ll confirm that you understand that, and that should be that.

It’s possible they’ll think you’re not signing because you plan to sue for something, and if they have any reason to think you have fodder for that (such as a plausible discrimination claim), they might offer you more severance to try to incentivize you to sign. Or they might not; just know that’s possible and don’t be thrown off if they do.

You can also ask for time to look over the agreement and think about it; that’s normal, and they won’t pressure you to sign on the spot.

Disparage away!

5. Is it OK to say my coworker is on maternity leave?

Many of my coworkers are currently out on maternity or paternity leave. When I follow up on outstanding/ongoing work on their behalf, I state in the email that the other person is out for a few months and I will be helping them out. This inevitably elicits the response, “I hope they are okay.” Is it okay for me to specify that they are out on maternity or paternity leave? Or is that an invasion of privacy?

Obviously, the people they work with most often and the people in our department know why they are out, but due to the nature of the job, we are in touch with many people on a semi-regular or an infrequent basis.

Generally most people are comfortable with it being known they’re on parental leave, but it’s not impossible that someone might prefer it not be shared. One way to know for sure is to check their out-of-office message. If it’s stated in there, it’s definitely okay for you to share that information too. Otherwise, if you’re unsure you can always check with their manager — “is it okay for me to share with clients and others that Jane is on maternity leave, when explaining why I’m stepping in to handle something?”

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