should I report an old mentor who was inappropriate with me?

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

The letter you posted from the volunteer who didn’t disclose something to a student’s teacher and parents reminded me about something that happened to me a while ago with an outside mentor for an after-school program, especially since I was a lot like Marvin in that letter (without the expensive romantic overtures).

I was the only girl in a STEM club at my high school, and the mentor was, let’s say, a teapot designer who also trained teapot drivers. Bob wasn’t actually a teacher at my school. He was a volunteer who worked at a well-known organization that the club was associated with, which other schools were involved in.

I was 14, and he was in his mid-40s(?). I was that straight-A nerdy gifted-and-talented kid just like Marvin who barely socialized with my peers and gravitated towards teachers instead. I especially gravitated towards Bob because it was/is my dream to be a teapot driver. We had a very close mentor-student relationship, and he always regaled me with stories of his job.

After I graduated high school, I stayed in touch with Bob. We would go out to lunches whenever we were in the same city and have long text conversations. I never thought anything was off because our conversations always focused on changes in the industry, scientific discoveries and theories, learning new languages, literature, etc. It was like being friends with Robin Williams from Dead Poets Society.

However, after I graduated college, I off-handedly mentioned to him that I had broken up with someone I had been dating. That was when Bob nervously confessed to me, “I’m a bit embarrassed to say this, but I’m attracted to you.” My mind did a complete record-scratch. The only thing I could manage to say was, “Sorry, I don’t date married men.” (Even though him being married was obviously the least of my concerns.) It was the last time I saw him (January 2021). He texted me exactly three times since that occurred — August 2021, January 2022, and February 2022. I ignored all of them, and it was the last I ever heard from him.

I had spent the following years questioning myself and my ability to read his intentions (especially after an autism diagnosis that came shortly after). I suddenly remembered a time when he visited me at college. When we were at an ice cream shop, he joked, “A lot of the people there were looking at us thinking I was some old guy dating a young lady like you.” I thought nothing of it at the moment and took it at face value. When he was driving me back to my dorm, he patted my leg and said, “You must be cold! You have goosebumps!” And I laughed then because I actually was cold! And when he offered to take me to his hotel, his intentions flew completely over my head, and I told him that it was late and that I had a mid-term in the morning. (It wasn’t even an excuse! I actually did have a mid-term and truly had no idea he was implying sex!)

It made me feel so gross and confused. Did I unknowingly encourage it all because of my autism? Should I have seen the signs either way? Did Bob actually enjoy any of our intellectual conversations, or was he just playing some long game to get into my pants? How long did he have those feelings? Did he become attracted to me after I graduated high school or before? I blocked it all out for the last five years because I didn’t want to think about it. I never even told a therapist about it. A friend suggested I talk to someone at RAINN for advice, but I don’t want to misuse their services since Bob never actually tried to rape or even kiss me.

I’m now 28. After I read the Marvin letter, I googled Bob. He’s still in that organization. I feel like I need to say something to someone to stop him from potentially doing this to another student, but I have no idea where to begin or what consequences would arise if I bring it to light. I have no idea if this is something legitimate to warn someone about, or if I’m overreacting, or if it’s been too many years. I’m scared of it turning into a mess of “he said, she said” and having it blow up in everyone’s face. It wasn’t an actual crime that could be applied in a legal sense, so I can’t go to the police. Is there anything I should do?

I’m very sorry this happened to you.

Bob positioned himself as an older, wiser authority figure and mentor, someone you could trust, and then he abused that trust by trying to sexualize the relationship. Of course you’re now questioning whether he ever enjoyed your conversations the way you thought he did or whether it was all a long game to groom you.

I don’t think we’ll ever know the answer to that for sure, but what I do know for sure is that you didn’t encourage it. This was a person who had been mentoring you since you were a child. Think about how young the 14-year-olds you know are, and how unreasonable it would be to expect any of them to screen all their interactions with adults through the lens of “am I encouraging this adult to view me sexually?”

You paid him the respect of assuming that he was being genuine with you and that he wasn’t a predatory creep. It’s not your fault that he hid it for a while. That’s what dudes like this do. That’s part of how they do it; they know they wouldn’t get anywhere if they made their intentions clear up-front (and in some cases that would get them sent to prison, and rightly so).

He took advantage of the access the mentoring program gave him, and he took advantage of the trust you had in him. You aren’t responsible for his choice to do that; that’s 100% on him and no one else.

And for the sake of thoroughness, sure, it’s possible that Bob’s interest in you was utterly wholesome for years and then one day, once you were solidly into adulthood, that changed. It still wouldn’t be okay that he didn’t think about or care how violated it might make you feel to be hit on by someone who had been mentoring you since you were 14. (And his visiting you at college and then suggesting you come back to his hotel with him is just … ugh. You might have been technically an adult, but there’s no world where that’s appropriate for the man who’s mentored you since you were a child to do while you’re in college.)

As for what to do now … first, you absolutely can contact RAINN, even though Bob didn’t assault you. What he did was a violation, and it’s making you question the same sorts of things people often question after they are assaulted, and the question is around a trusted figure who has made you feel preyed upon. I am confident that they would be happy to talk with you. (Even if they’re not, they’d just explain that; they won’t be outraged that you asked. But again, I’m sure they’ll talk to you. Please call them if you want to!)

You would also be on very solid ground in contacting the organization Bob still volunteers for. You’re not asking for an extensive investigation that becomes “he said, she said.” You’d simply be contacting them to say, “I want to let you know that one of your volunteers formed a mentor relationship with me through your program when I was 14, stayed in close contact with me after I graduated, and then propositioned me while I was in college and then a second time after I graduated. It felt very much like an abuse of his access to teenage girls, and I want to make you aware of it.” What they do from there is up to them, but you get to tell them that it happened and that it shouldn’t have.

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