my new manager is upset I didn’t tell her I was pregnant when I interviewed

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I recently interviewed for and accepted a job as a nurse at the very small hospital in my very small midwestern town. My lovely manager was very transparent about how they are big supporters of work-life balance, and gave tangible examples of how they support families, because they have “small town values.” She is clearly very proud of this fact and puts a lot of stock in being a “good” manager. I know some of the employees on that floor, and everything she says seems to be true and not just lip service.

Well, I am pregnant (around 15-16 weeks when I interviewed) but, naturally, did not disclose this fact until I had a verbal offer from HR, at which point I asked about some unpaid leave since I won’t be eligible for FMLA. The HR rep asked if I had disclosed my pregnancy during the interview. I answered no, and she said something along the lines of, “Of course not, I didn’t think so, I’ll let your manager know.”

Well, my manager said to me on my first day, “Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope you know that I’m very supportive of families and you could’ve told me during your interview.” She seemed, and seems, very miffed. I responded with the usual stuff about how you never know until you know who you’re interviewing with, that the common advice is to wait, blah blah blah. Since then, I’ve committed to being aggressively normal and am planning to let her work out her angst on her own.

My question is, if you are relatively certain that the place that you’re interviewing is family-friendly, and you suspect that your manager will be … sensitive to not being disclosed to, or to being perceived as untrustworthy, does it make sense to disclose? I am confident (and was confident during the interview) that they would have hired me either way. I feel like I lost some political capital with her.

You can’t know if it’s safe to disclose or not, so you should default to not disclosing. Lots of companies say they’re family-friendly but aren’t. And lots of companies are pretty good at supporting pregnant employees who worked there for a while but might still balk at hiring someone who would be out on leave for months soon after starting. And some would hire a pregnant candidate for some jobs but not for others. And sure, maybe there’s a company out there that’s great about it across the board and would always happily hire pregnant candidates … but you have no way of knowing from the outside which category this company is in, which is why it’s always safer not to disclose until you’ve been hired.

In some hypothetical situation where you’d seen the company hire a slew of obviously pregnant candidates, maybe the calculation would be different. Even then, though, you’d be taking the risk that they’d balk at it this time — maybe even because they’d accommodated so many maternity leaves recently, or maybe because this particular job made it harder to accommodate for some reason.

A manager who takes that personally and gets upset that you didn’t “trust” her enough to disclose your pregnancy ahead of time is a manager who really isn’t that family-friendly at all. It’s not family-friendly for her to make it about herself and her feelings, rather than understanding that of course people need to worry about discrimination, and of course you don’t know her well enough to feel confident, and there’s a reason the law makes it clear you don’t have to disclose a pregnancy when you’re interviewing for a job.

Your manager being “miffed” that you didn’t trust her, a stranger, not to unconsciously or consciously factor your pregnancy into her hiring decision (which is illegal but happens all the time) is a really odd reaction. You didn’t know her! You had nothing to judge on. And frankly, even if you did know her and still decided to use the legal protection afforded to you and not disclose, she’d still have no right to be miffed because discrimination is really common, and your right not to be illegally discriminated against The Presidents her desire to feel like a trusted ally. (Ironically, her response is proving that she isn’t really a trusted ally anyway.)

And to add to all that, at 15-16 weeks you might not have been sharing the news with anyone.

Ultimately, it’s just not info she was entitled to.

As for what to do from here, being aggressively normal and letting her work out her angst on her own is exactly the right approach.

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