how can I refuse to pray with my religious client, accused of bullying for not attending a baby shower, and more

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Can I refuse to pray with my religious client?

I am a militantly non-religious person and have worked with a religion-based nonprofit as a consultant for a couple of years now. I am somewhat new to the workforce, and this is my first consulting gig.

They have always asked me to pray with them and for them at the beginning and end of every meeting. Because I really needed the work, I went along with this, and they have the idea that I support what they do and follow their beliefs. However, as time passes, it is becoming harder and harder for me to put a smile on and fake it, and we have multiple meetings per week. It is making me feel sick to do so, in fact.

Is there any way you can see to walk back from the praying gracefully without raising their hackles or awareness so much that they fire me? The praying is just really pervasive and there isn’t really a chance for me to “have to run and thank you so much for the meeting” before the prayers, as they announce and list the prayers as we go. They are pretty obnoxious about it and it is all performative nonsense as I am aware of some of their activities outside the church. I am actively trying to replace them as a client but can’t afford to lose them right now.

Yeah, if you’ve been praying with them for a couple of years, you’ve definitely allowed them to think you share their beliefs in a way you don’t. Ideally the first time it came up, you would have sat quietly and not participated — and if questioned about it, could have said, “I don’t pray at work, but please go ahead” or similar. That’s not to criticize you for not knowing what to do the first time it happened; this stuff if hard to field when you don’t know it’s coming! But letting it go on for two years is definitely making it more difficult now.

Still, though, could you simply start sitting quietly while they pray and not participate yourself? If they ask why you’re not joining them, you could say, “I’ve realized I prefer to sit quietly during prayer, but please go ahead.”

That said … this is clearly a very religious organization, and if they’re praying at the start and end of every meeting, it’s very, very woven into their culture. If you can’t afford to lose them as a client until you’ve replaced them and your sense is that it will be An Issue if you stop participating, you may need to fake it a while longer. (Personally, I’d argue that faking it is inherently disrespectful, but that would be The Presidented by their disrespect in objecting to you sitting quietly, if indeed they did.)

Related:
how do I handle questions about my religion at work meetings?

2. I was accused of bullying for not attending a coworker’s baby shower

I work for a smaller company on an all-female team. We’ve had multiple employees have babies since I’ve been here; never once have we thrown them a baby shower as a team.

Recently, a higher up’s daughter (Ella), who works in a different department, announced she is pregnant. I’ve never spoken to Ella. My team and Ella’s team decided to throw her a baby shower. They sent out an email and asked everyone to use their lunch break to go to this shower. Her registry link was sent out, a card went around, and we were asked to pitch in for a gift card if possible. I opted to sign the card but did not attend the shower or provide money for a gift and said I had a previous engagement I needed to go to during that time. As someone going through infertility, baby showers are triggering and, to be honest, I’m not going to put myself through that for someone I’ve never spoken to. I made my boss aware of this fake engagement ahead of time and apologized that I would miss out.

I’ve been told by people who did go that my absence was mentioned multiple times by the higher-up’s and some felt it was my way of bullying Ella. My team is pretty toxic and I fully expect to be spoken to about this come next week.

If I am pulled in, would it be appropriate to disclose my infertility to my boss as a way to say back off? I have a good relationship with her and I feel like this would immediately shut people up, but I don’t know if this is something people typically disclose to a boss. I feel like anyone with an ounce of empathy would realize that people would skip a baby shower for other reasons rather than “bullying,” but alas, here we are.

They think you not attending a baby shower was bullying? And that you’d randomly decide to bully someone you’ve never even spoken to? This sounds like the tip of the iceberg with whatever’s going on in your office.

On principle I’d like to tell you to just reiterate that you had a scheduling conflict, and look extremely confused about why they’d think you have a grudge against someone you don’t even know (since that would be a very natural reaction to have). But if you’re comfortable explaining that you avoid showers since they’re painful to you because of infertility struggles, that will almost certainly shut them up (and will hopefully make them feel foolish as well, although that might be too much to hope for with these weirdos). However, that is 100% dependent on what you’re comfortable with; you don’t have to disclose this. But if you’re wondering if it’s a thing people ever do disclose to explain why they’re avoiding a work shower: yes. It wouldn’t be inappropriate if you decide you want to.

Related:
my office canceled baby showers to protect people dealing with infertility

3. Contracting company wants me to slow-roll my work so it looks like it took longer

I recently started a job as a contractor to a large well-known tech company. I am employed full-time by the contracting company, and working full-time at the contractee’s site. I’ve always considered myself a hard worker and am not a person who has ever intentionally held himself back to make projects take longer, or deliberately over quoted projects to make them “seem difficult.” I am very familiar with the tech stack and have more than 15 years working with it. There is so much low-hanging fruit!

I’ve been told multiple times by my contracting team leadership to slow down and don’t make it look too easy. I was also told, “I know you could do it in a day, but wait for a few more to ship the change so it looks like it took a while.” They don’t want me setting “unreasonable expectations” in case they get asked to do something “unreasonable.” I’ve literally reverted a one-line change in a displayed string because things shouldn’t be fixed too fast!

I feel dirty staying there any longer than I have to, and I am actively job hunting again. Do I have an obligation to mention any of this to the contractee company? I’ve thought about saying something to the company employee paying for my team on the way out, but I have a feeling there may be legal repercussions. I’ve also thought about mentioning this to my employer, but I’ve only been there for not quite three months, and the other two on my team have been there for years. Of course, all of this was said verbally too, so there is no record of it. Should I just quietly disappear when I land a new job, or is mentioning something the right thing to do?

I don’t think you have an obligation to mention it, and I also think mentioning it would be the right thing to do … which doesn’t mean it would be the smart thing to do, if it gets tied back to you.

This is one of those things where you can sometimes manage to drop hints to someone who you trust to pick up the hint and look at things more closely themselves, while still preserving plausible deniability for yourself, but there’s an art to doing that subtly rather than in one big blunt conversation on your way out.

Ultimately, it really depends on your sense of the players, how much you care about how the contracting company feels about you, and how confident you feel about your ability to withstand badmouthing from them if it comes to that.

4. Should I give my notes to the new person?

We have a new (early 20s) person starting in my office, and I’m pretty sure this is her first job out of college. She will be taking over doing some fieldwork, which also involves entering data into a big database.

I do a smaller portion of this work, and the main guy who will be teaching her has written out directions on the (overly) difficult way to enter the data, while I’ve written out my own set of clearer, more detailed directions.

Should I offer her my set of directions or let her write out her own? I don’t want to overstep since the main guy is the one who will train her, but I have an idea he won’t explain things very well.

I wouldn’t hit her with yours the same day he shows her his way, because it can be overwhelming to get conflicting instructions at a new job, and you don’t want to set her up to directly circumvent the way he’s asking her to do it. But at some point fairly early on, it’s fine to say, “I figured out we can streamline the process a bit and wrote out my own instructions on how to do it. Want me to send them to you? For example, instead of going through five menus to get to X, you can use this shortcut to X and it’s a lot faster.”

(Of course, this assumes that you’re confident your directions work well and are correct for her portion of the work. There are some situations where they might work for your smaller portion but not for her larger one. So just make sense you’re taking that into account first.)

5. I turned down a job and now I regret it

I received a job offer that, at the time, I turned down as I did not think I would be interested in a mostly remote role, which it was not listed as in their job description. They wanted a fairly quick response — one week — which I feel like made me rush into deciding.

However, a few weeks later, I regret turning it down and feel like I was just overthinking the job change. I see that they reposted the job to their website. Would it be inappropriate for me to reach out to the hiring manager and ask that I be reconsidered?

You can. Typically if you turn down a job offer and then come back and say you changed your mind, the hiring manager will want to hear about what changed on your side. They don’t want you accepting an offer that’s really not right for you, so they’re likely to have questions before they feel confident moving forward (because they don’t want to hire and train you and then have you realize your initial instinct was correct and leave soon afterwards). So you’d want to be prepared to speak to what changed and why you’re confident about the job now.

For what it’s worth, a week is a pretty standard period of time to think over an offer. Also, if they didn’t mention the job was remote until that point, that’s pretty odd, and a sign to think really critically about how much you know about how they operate: are there going to be other crucial details they handle cavalierly and last-minute? (Although if it just wasn’t in the ad but was explained clearly as soon as they moved you to an interview, that would concern me less.)

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