my employee keeps telling me his “expectations” of me

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

The site is having some server issues today so while we work on those, here’s an older post. This was originally published in 2019. (And hopefully everything will be back to normal shortly.)

A reader writes:

I’m a mid-level college administrator. One of my direct reports is positioning himself to move up in a couple of years (from department member to department head). He would still report to me, but the working relationship would be a little different. I need to work closely with department heads, and it can have a major impact on my work and the organization if that relationship is toxic.

The problem is that he thinks he is a LOT smarter than me. He apparently read something about “managing up” and now he is trying to manage me. He is very, very bad at it. His attempts to manipulate me are clumsy and obvious, but he doesn’t realize that I know what he is doing (because he’s sure that he is much smarter than me). There’s also some sexism going on here (I’m female, and he seems to have problems with that sometimes) and I’m relatively new to the organization, so he doesn’t know me well. Every conversation degenerates into incredibly irritating condescension and smugness on his part. For example, he has said things like:

• “My expectation is that you will give me a hint if you think there may be a change coming up.” Me: No, not happening. I try to squelch rumors, not spread them. And if there is a change coming, your department head will know first.

• “My expectation is that you will change the meeting time.” Me: No, a meeting that involves 27 people and has been scheduled for a month will not be rescheduled just for you.

• About a minor snafu with the bookstore: “I’m sure you understand why you need to have this person fired.” Me: Let’s just talk about how we are going to handle a fairly small problem.

• About a trivial department matter that could easily have been resolved before it even got to me: “I know that you will do the right thing and bring this to the Chief Academic Officer.” (That’s the equivalent of the CEO.) Me: Here’s the solution that I see.

He always ends with a smirk and a slow nod. His body language says that he is certain he has programmed me to respond correctly.

Right now, I just smile, ignore it whenever possible, and get back to the issue at hand. Occasionally I have addressed it head on, when I need to clarify that he will definitely not be getting what he wants this time.

I want to call him on this, because it is getting very tiresome. It also sidetracks the conversation away from the important stuff we need to be discussing. And I don’t enjoy being treated with such disrespect. If he does become the department head, it will be even more important that he have some respect for my intelligence. I’m tempted to give him a book on the topic and tell him he needs to study some more before trying this again. But in calmer moments, I know that level of bluntness (sarcasm, snark, whatever you want to call it) will just embarrass him and put him on the defensive. How can I stop this behavior without doing too much damage to our work relationship? Or do I just have to put up with sentences that start, “My expectation is that you will…” forever?

(A complicating factor is that he’s popular with his colleagues, which is why he will be very seriously considered for the department head position. In academia, that decision is made by the faculty. I could potentially veto their decision, but right now I don’t have enough ammunition to go nuclear. And it would destroy my credibility with the rest of the department. That’s why I would rather figure out how to make this work if I can.)

This guy sounds incredibly obnoxious. And also, if he’s trying to manage you, he’s really bad at it.

“Managing up” doesn’t mean “pretend that you’re your boss’s manager and tell them what to do.” It means working with your boss in a way that will produce the best possible results for both of you and figuring out what is and isn’t within your sphere of control to act upon.

So he’s confused on the concept.

But you’re right that your options are complicated by what sounds like a genuine need to handle him more delicately than you ideally would.

Ideally — in a situation with politics different than this one — you’d just name what he’s doing and tell him to stop. The next time he started in with “my expectation is that you will…” you’d say, “Framing this as ‘your expectations of me’ is coming across really strangely. My job is to make the decisions on this type of thing. I will ask for your input and perspective at times, and you’re certainly welcome to ask when there’s something you’d like to see, but ultimately that’s a call I’ll make myself.”

And actually, it’s possible you could do that here too! If you feel you can, do.

Alternately, you can convey that same message without spelling it out so explicitly, simply by making it clear that you aren’t being swayed by whatever weird technique he’s attempting. For example:

Him: “My expectation is that you will give me a hint if you think there may be a change coming up.”
You: “No, that’s not something you should expect. If there is a change coming, your department head will be the first person to talk with you about it.”

Him: “My expectation is that you will change the meeting time.”
You: “No, I’m not going to reschedule this meeting since it involves so many other people and has been on calendars for a while.”

Him: “I’m sure you understand why you need to have this person fired.”
You: “I don’t agree that’s warranted here. This is a small problem, and I will handle it directly with Jane.”

Him: “I know that you will do the right thing and bring this to the Chief Academic Officer.”
You: “No. (The Chief Academic Officer) and I are in agreement that I’ll handle this type of issue. What I will do is…”

Another option is to have a natural reaction to his “my expectation is…” language, meaning that you let yourself seem visibly surprised. For example, when he said his expectation was that you’d change a meeting time, you could say, “I’m surprised you expect that, given how many other people the meeting involves. Can you clarify for me why you’d expect that?” or “That’s landing with me quite strangely! Can you explain what you mean?”

There’s a pretty good chance this if you repeat this a few times, he’ll feel awkward enough that he’ll stop doing it — and ideally may even realize that he can’t push you around.

In a normal work situation — read: not academia — I’d also say to loop your own boss in on what’s going on, given the likelihood of promotion for this guy. Someone above you needs to hear, a minimum, that he has problems respecting women’s authority. But academia is full of weird politics that I don’t have any expertise in, so I can’t tell you if that makes sense to do here or not — but at least consider it as an option.

Read an update to this letter here.

View the full article