should I say I’m going to quit if my job doesn’t deal with my horrible coworker, 2 bosses in a row couldn’t say why they disliked my work, and more

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Should I tell my job I’m going to quit if they don’t deal with my horrible coworker?

I’ve been at this job for over 15 years. My coworker, Sally, has been here for less than three. She has questioned my experience and knowledge from the start, despite my seniority, but it got worse in late 2024. Among other things, she has slept at her desk every day since I started noticing it last year (not exaggerating). She talks down to everyone she works with, but especially me. She has made awful comments about people’s bodies and talks about her own bodily functions far more than is appropriate.

My schedule was changed so I work almost the same hours as Sally. I’m no longer allowed to work from home, in the name of “fairness,” as she’s not allowed to work from home due to her sleeping. We work in a small office with no privacy so I can’t even avoid her. I have to watch as she messes around, barely doing her own job, making our department look bad, and gossiping with other coworkers.

Our supervisor took longer than she should have to address it, but HR is finally involved, and they’ve done nothing to fix the problem. I am so stressed that I’m exhausted and anxious every hour I’m in this office, and I can’t escape. I cry most days, throw up from panic attacks most mornings, don’t sleep well, and have no energy for anything but work. My work has gone down in quantity and quality. I have taken to ignoring Sally’s existence just to make it through my day, only communicating with her over email if she needs something from me. I’ve been told for six months that I “just need to be patient” until they finally fire her.

I have a possible lead on another job where I would be more appreciated, but doing things other than my specialty, which I am less excited about. This is what I wanted my career to be and I’m not sure that’s possible anymore. Especially because they aren’t even paying me well, and my last “raise” was pathetic.

Is there some way to communicate to HR/management that I am burned out and at my limit and they will lose me within the next few weeks if they don’t do something? My supervisor already knows and supports me when she can. Just going back to my old schedule would make a huge difference, but I’ve asked about it and received no answers or explanations.

The thing that jumps out at me about your letter is that you’re giving a huge amount of power to someone who has no real power over you! It does suck to work with someone rude and lazy like Sally, and it sucks even more to have your own schedule changed and your flexibility removed because she can’t handle it — but you’re not responsible for her and she’s not responsible for you, and your reaction to her is pretty intense! You can’t make your crappy management suddenly become competent, but is there any room for you to just … care less about Sally? Because that’s the part that’s most in your control, and you actually don’t need to have any feelings whatsoever about her.

But to your question: ultimatums in this situation don’t usually work, and they’re not likely to fire her just because you explain that you’re at your limit. Whatever has kept them from firing her so far is still going to be in place. However, you said your manager knows where you’re at and supports you when you can, so one option is to tell her that you feel like you’re at the end of your rope and need something to change immediately, even if it’s just going back to your own schedule. I would not say they’re going to lose you if they don’t (unless you are 100% prepared to follow through on that) but a halfway decent manager should be able to read between the lines and understand what you’re saying.

Related:
can I ask my manager to fire my coworker?

2. Two bosses in a row couldn’t tell me why they were unhappy with my work

I was at one company and doing well, I thought, in a communications role. An important client I had worked with had requested me for future engagements. The VP of marketing praised my biggest project at a sales conference. But at my first annual review, my supervisor said my work was awful and I’d be getting no raise. What confused me was that I asked what she didn’t like: my work was on time and on budget and clients like me. She just shook her head and said, “I don’t feel you really take charge of a project.” I asked her calmly what more I could do — I wanted to improve! She admitted she had no specifics — nothing about errors or not putting in enough time. She simply said it was a “feeling” that I wasn’t in control and she trusted her feelings. She had no instructions for improving and said the clients’ approval and VP’s praise were “irrelevant.” I eventually left, even though I liked the work.

Another job: Again, I thought I was doing well. I got on with everyone, again in a communications role, this time for a membership association. I worked closely with members. I started a new newsletter my supervisor praised. An important member even told me in private he thought I should be running the department. (I mentioned that to no one!) But again, my supervisor told me my work was suboptimal — the new newsletter didn’t make a difference even though she liked it. There would be no annual raise. She agreed my work was prompt and accurate, but that I could “do better.” I asked what she meant by that — more detailed? More serious? More amusing? She shrugged and said she had nothing specific — just “better” and it was up to me to figure it out. Again, I left although I liked the work.

For future use, is this something that happens often or am I just unlucky? I can understand disagreeing with a boss about competence. I’m not saying I’m perfect. But what happens when bosses can’t even tell you WHY they’re unhappy with you? Is this a “code” for something else? All I can think is that in both jobs I was a happy family man and both my bosses were going through bitter breakups with partners. Do such personal situations make a difference? I just want to know what to watch out for in the future.

It’s definitely true that you can do well in some areas but still need to improve in others … but two managers in a row who said your work was bad without being able to give any specifics, combined with getting positive feedback from others, is pretty odd. I wouldn’t think it was a happy family man vs. bitter breakup situation (assuming you weren’t making judgmental comments about it or something, which I’m assuming you weren’t). But it’s weird.

I’m curious about your job history before this — any patterns there or were these two aberrations? Can you get feedback from other people you’ve worked with? (Also, important to check: did they literally say your work was “awful” or was that your interpretation from them saying they wanted you to do better? If it was the latter, and if you left on your own rather than being pushed to leave, that would paint a different picture than if they explicitly said you were doing a bad job.)

3. Job requires relocation, and I’m hoping they’ll change their minds

A company reached out to me for an exciting role at a company I would be thrilled to work at. In the first communication, the recruiter was explicit that the role would require relocation and be in the office five days per week. I decided to still hear more about the role and the approach to being in office. After speaking with the recruiter, she told me that the role would need to be in the office initially, but determining the go forward plan for the company is part of the priorities for this role. I am continuing to talk to them knowing I won’t be able to relocate.

The company is 2.5 hours from where I live and I’m hoping that if I get an offer, I can say that while I was considering relocation before, my circumstances have changed and I won’t be able to, but that I’d be open to commuting to the office Tuesday-Thursday each week. I know from the recruiter that the CEO does this and this role reports to the CEO.

You can do that if you want, but it seems like a really, really bad idea to offer to commute 2.5 hours each way three days a week. And even if you’re okay with that, they’re likely to be concerned that you’ll quickly tire of it.

If anything, I’d think you’d be better off agreeing to stay in their area (and so be in-person) for the first few weeks, with the understanding that you’d be fully remote after that. If they won’t agree to that, it’s not the right match.

4. How do you get time off work for weekly therapy appointments?

How do people balance weekly therapy appointments with their work schedules, and do so in a way that minimizes how much private health info they share with their employer? I’m especially interested in hearing about how this works for folks who are hourly or who have other job constraints that make it impossible to just quietly slip out for an appointment without telling others and/or logging it on their time card. At least where I live, I’m not going to get a therapist if I can’t have business hours availability for appointments.

Are folks using sick time for their appointments, or are they making up that time elsewhere in their week? (I don’t get nearly enough sick time to cover a year’s worth of therapy, let alone all the other stuff sick time is meant to cover.) How do I indicate a weekly recurring appointment on my calendar for which I may or may not use sick time without my boss asking or guessing what it’s for? (While it’s probably fine, there can be such a stigma about mental health care, and I don’t know how to do this without being forced to overshare with people I don’t want to know my personal business.) Is this something I should apply for intermittent FMLA for? I know that won’t cover me financially, and it feels drastic just for therapy, but for a weekly appointment maybe it’s good to have some official protection in case my employer decides they don’t like me missing that hour a week of work, indefinitely.

I just don’t get how the average person swings the logistics of it if they work full-time. I’ve put this off for years for these reasons, and while it feels like I can’t do that anymore, the same life circumstances that necessitate the therapy are the ones that make it feel nearly impossible to find time in my life to get therapy.

Some people are using sick time, and some people are flexing their schedules.

Treat it the exact same way you would if you needed a weekly medical appointment for anything else — allergy shots, physical therapy, whatever. That means you say to your boss, “I am going to have a recurring weekly medical appointment for the foreseeable future. I’ll need to leave about an hour early every Thursday for it. Could I come in early on those days so my hours balance out?” If your boss asks what it’s for — which she shouldn’t — you can respond with, “It’s nothing to worry about, just something I’ll need to deal with weekly for a while.”

FMLA is an option too, although it will require you to disclose more info to your employer, so you might prefer to start with the above and see if that gets it taken care of.

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