socializing at hybrid team meetings, job offer was pulled after a reference check, and more

[ResidentialBusiness]

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How do I balance work and socializing at hybrid team meetings?

I (a young-looking woman) lead a team of about 15, composed of 3-4 smaller sub-teams that collaborate on various parts of the project. About half the team work remotely; a quarter at Site A, including my deputy and me; and a quarter at Site B. Team members range from junior to mid-career, heavy on junior. We have at least one meeting per project topic area per week for tracking progress and working through more complex issues together.

I have a hard time closing down the first “social” 5-15 minutes of a meeting; the chit chat expands and we run out of time for our actual agenda items. Our remote staff are particularly social. I like them and would enjoy our chats, but my social battery gets (happily) drained by interacting with in-person colleagues (both on and off this project) and an active social life and hobbies. With people at my site, I’m able to chat organically in the hall or while walking to meetings, make it a coffee break, etc.

I do not have time nor energy for more than ~20 minutes of Zoom call social chatting per typical day, but that’s gotta split across the 2-5 calls per day. But I want all my staff to feel connected and happy at work! I’m also a people pleaser and a little socially anxious. How soon into a meeting can and should I redirect to the agenda? How can I do this without making people think I’m an emotionless computer, or get out of my head where I’m terrified of that outcome?

Several times in the past when I’ve tried removing the “smiles and exclamation marks” veneer, others coworkers who I previously had positive work relationships with reacted defensively as if I were attacking them or their work. In every instance, other colleagues present verified for me afterwards that my content and tone were appropriate and accurate. So I’m particularly sensitive that I might come across as a robot or a jerk, create unpleasantly chilly relationships, or lose my staff to other projects (they can switch projects as they want).

15 minutes of chat at the start of a meeting is a lot. Five minutes is reasonable, particularly if you have a lot of remote team members who don’t have many other opportunities for that sort of social connection with each other. But it is very reasonable — and very normal — to interject after five minutes (really, three to five) and say, “Well, let’s get started so we can get through all our agenda items.” If you make a point of warmly joining in on the chatting before that, you will be much less likely to come across as chilly when you do call the meeting to order.

When you’re leading a remote team, it’s reasonable to see those five minutes as part of the work you invest in your team culture and connections. But it’s really okay to move things along after that. And I would bet good money that some of your team members will appreciate you doing it, and are aggravated by how much meeting time is being spent on non-work stuff … doubly so if you’re not getting through your agenda.

You can also occasionally try moving the chat to the end of the meetings! You can say, “I want to jump into our agenda so we don’t run out of time, but if we have time at the end, anyone who wants to is welcome to stay on to continue this part of the conversation.” And then at the end, you can say, “I need to jump off and I think some others may too, but anyone who wants to stay on, please feel free!” That said, I think you’ll see less of it then — since by the end of a meeting most people are ready to be done — but you could at least make it clear it’s an option for people who want it.

2. My job offer was rescinded after a reference check

After a great interview last week, I accepted a job offer at a hospital. Yesterday, the offer was abruptly rescinded. HR personnel and the hiring manager will not give details, but they stated that it was solely due to “unsatisfactory references.” This is a shock to me because these references are supervisors and colleagues who I have good or great relationships with. I had confirmed with all of these individuals beforehand if they would be willing to offer a recommendation, and they had enthusiastically agreed. When I explained to these colleagues why the offer was rescinded, they were stunned. The third party recruiter, my references, and I are still convinced this is a mistake, that they must have their applicants mixed up somehow. So far, HR and the hiring manager insist there is no mistake. My recruiter told me, “I have been doing this for 15 years and I’ve never seen this. I’m at a loss.”

Have you encountered this before? Could the offer have been rescinded for another reason? Do I have any recourse here?

It’s possible that it was a mistake. It’s also possible that your references did give you good reviews but said something in passing that concerned the hiring manager. For example, most reference checks ask about weaknesses, and it’s possible a reference named something that they thought was minor but it happened to be something would cause a problem in this particular job or is a particular bugaboo of the manager’s. It’s also possible the hiring manager simply misunderstood something. (For thoroughness, I’ll also note that when done well, reference checks aren’t supposed to be a simple thumbs-up/thumbs-down but more nuanced — although when they’re done post-offer, they are nearly always closer to a rubber stamp, so that’s less likely to be in play.)

You don’t really have any legal recourse here; employers are allowed to rescind job offers, especially when they’re contingent on things like post-offer reference checks (which are generally a terrible practice). But the recruiter is in a better position to push for more information and to push them to check that a mistake wasn’t made. Since she’s at a loss too, can you ask her to try that?

3. Discussing gun ownership with coworkers

I have a perhaps odd question about professional boundaries. I am a petite woman who lives alone. I somehow send out creepy people homing vibes and have had one or two frightening moments where I could have gotten hurt. (I know someone is going to tell me to read Gift of Fear. I already have, and I am working on becoming less of a target, but we all know sometimes creeps just gonna creep.)

I would like to purchase a gun that I would keep in my home for self-defense. I would of course secure it, practice regularly, and take all other actions I can to make sure I’m never in a situation where I’d need it.

I live in a state where gun laws are very strict. To buy a gun, I must first find two state residents who will testify to my good character. This has been a challenge as most people here oppose or at least are suspicious of gun ownership. I think they’d endorse my character generally but would not want to assist me in buying a gun by writing that down.

I have two coworkers who have mentioned in passing that they themselves own guns. The work we do together is in a physically hazardous environment, so these two coworkers have seen how I deal with safety issues, which I hope would speak well to my ability to be a responsible gun owner. They’ve also watched me interact interpersonally and can testify I’m reasonable.

Would it be unprofessional of me to contact them outside of work channels and ask if they would be willing to serve as a reference in this way? Both are senior to me, so I don’t think they could worry that I would penalize them if they said no. It just feels weird and possibly intrusive to discuss such a controversial issue with a professional contact. Would it make a difference if one person had left the company?

I want to say up-front that my answer to this might be influenced by my own discomfort with guns, but this makes me nervous. On one hand, these are people who are clearly comfortable with gun ownership themselves and it might be completely fine! On the other hand, if they don’t feel comfortable saying yes, you’d be putting them in a pretty uncomfortable position (where they’d need to essentially tell a colleague, “No, I don’t endorse your character”), and I don’t love that.

If you wanted to feel them out, one option is to approach them for advice about the process generally, since it’s something they’ve already mentioned. Explain you’re considering buying one, don’t know anyone outside of work with first-hand experience with the process, and enter the conversation that way. It’s possible that will create an opening to bring it up organically. Otherwise though, I’d err on the side of caution and keep it out of work.

4. Phone interviews when you’re hard of hearing

My husband is hard of hearing, especially on the phone. He has had a couple interviews that he tanked because he misheard a question or kept asking them to repeat the question. He doesn’t have hearing aids, but I think he needs them. I keep encouraging him to get tested. He mishears me all the time or doesn’t hear me at all if one of us is facing away while talking.

There are a couple things he says helps, like wearing headphones for a call, using a desk phone rather than a cell, or taking a call in his car with the Bluetooth speakers. Three times now, interviewers have unexpectedly called him outside their scheduled interview times where he isn’t able to get into his car or find headphones quickly. He didn’t want to miss the opportunity, so he tried talking on his cell phone. He couldn’t hear most of what was said. He got feedback on how poorly he did, like his answers had nothing to do with the questions or that he didn’t know the answers because he repeatedly asked interviewers to repeat their questions.

I advised him to tell the interviewers he can’t take the call at the moment but is happy to keep their scheduled time or reschedule so he can get to a place he can hear, or just be up-front that he is hard of hearing and request some accommodations like a Zoom call where multiple interviewers and my husband can use headsets. My husband doesn’t want to because he’s in his 50s and he’s afraid of looking old or incapable, like he can’t do a phone call or meeting. I pointed out people of any age can have hearing issues, and it’s got to be better than them thinking he doesn’t know anything.

I have more experience interviewing and I’ve never had interviewers call outside scheduled times “because everyone was in the office” just then. What is the best way to handle this? Tell them he can’t talk? Ask them to hold until he can get into his car? Ask them to call our landline? Any of these? I’d like to say his worry about ageism is wrong but we’re both getting to an age now where I do see some of that in the workplace.

Ideally he’d just ask to reschedule for a more convenient time, but I can understand why he’s hesitant to; while it’s a perfectly reasonable request, sometimes the rescheduled call will never end up happening. Given that, the next best option is to say, “Can you give me a minute while I get to a quieter place to talk?” so he has time to find headphones or go to his car. (It also sounds worth keeping headphones easily accessible in the places where he spends the most time during the workday.) It’s also fine to say, “I seem to have a bad connection — could you call me right back on my land line?”

You’re also absolutely right that he could simply ask for accommodations (which they’re required by law to provide), but he’s not wrong about the risk of discrimination — both age and disability discrimination. But one of the other suggestions should get these calls back on track.

Related:
what’s up with surprise phone interviews?

5. Can my boss require me to use a vacation day on my last day of work?

I am leaving a job I love at the end of the month due to a health issue. I have a great relationship with my boss and my coworkers, and the job has been a really great fit, so I’m really sad that I need to leave.

My boss, her boss, and another admin person are all scheduled to be off on the last day of the month. There are exit procedures that need to be done on my last day, so my boss asked if I would take vacation on that day so we could do them the day before. I’d rather work that day and cash out as much vacation as possible, so I’m basically being asked to forfeit a day’s pay. Can my boss ask me to do this?

Yes. They can also set your last day for an earlier date if they want to, which would be functionally the same thing (which doesn’t necessarily mean that they will, just that they could). But if you explain you’d prefer not to, it’s possible they’ll work with you on a different arrangement. You could try saying, “Would it be possible for us to do the exit procedures on the 30th and then I’ll spend the 31st finishing up X and Y? I’m hoping not to use up any vacation time before I leave.” They might say no — and they might not be able to say yes, if you won’t be able to work once the exit procedures are done — but it’s reasonable to ask.

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