my coworkers have way more money than me … and they constantly expect me to shell out cash for meals and gifts

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This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I work in a government agency that’s very analogous to a private sector industry (think trade vs. banking or procurement vs. real estate) and many of my colleagues have either joined us after having made plenty of money on the private side or are otherwise independently wealthy. Our senior leadership are politically appointed multimillionaires. I enjoy my work, but I seem to be one of the few who works here because I actually need the money. I have no complaints about my salary; we all make the same. However, I’m paying back student loans that won’t budge and I also have the only single income family in our department.

Generally, but especially this past holiday season, these folks have gotten deep into my pockets. To illustrate: our boss was out sick and my colleagues took up a collection to have a grossly overpriced snack basket sent to his home. I’m not just being dramatic; I made a bigger gift basket on the same theme that cost me a tenth what we paid for our boss’s present. Another colleague took some time off for a procedure and the group organized daily DoorDash deliveries until he returned. After contributing to those, I’ve had to take a serious step back from participating in things, and I worry that people are starting to think of me and stingy and antisocial.

I’m actually a very generous person and giving gifts is my love language. But I cannot afford to be wasteful. For example, to congratulate a coworker on her promotion, I made her a little gift bag with a pound of her favorite coffee and a candle I knew she’d like. But I didn’t feel comfortable giving it to her after her successor asked us each to put $50 toward a coffee- and candle-themed gift basket for her with a footnote that “I know it’s pricey, but come on, she deserves it!” I had to sit out of another colleague’s farewell lunch at a Michelin-starred restaurant. I simply can’t drop that kind of cash on a random Thursday though I would’ve happily treated him to sushi or pizza.

I did anxiously attend our self-pay “holiday lunch” (we voted on restaurants, but the most expensive one won out). I studied the menu in advance and carefully selected a semi-affordable dish (and was sure not to eat of the appetizers and whatnot that people ordered “for the table”) but when the bill came everybody just said, “You know what? It’s Christmas! Let’s just split it!” Reading the room, I felt there was no real way I could push back on that in the moment. My heart sank at first and then fully broke when one of the attendees was unable to pay — I think her card was acting up — and one of my coworkers assured her, “It’s no problem, we’ll cover you!” Sometime later, she went around offering to reimburse people and I overheard several people tell her a version of, “Oh, please! Don’t worry about it; it was just a few dollars.” It was not just a few dollars, and I pushed past my embarrassment to accept her offer as I really did need my money back.

I want to preserve my office relationships, but dropping hundreds of dollars a month doing so is simply not an option for me. What practical advice do you have for people experiencing a disposable income mismatch with coworkers who highly value team socializing and joint gift-giving?

What a crappy situation to be in! Your colleagues are being thoughtless; regardless of their own financial situations, surely they are aware that there are people in the world on much tighter budget (or who simply may prefer not to pour hundreds of dollars into work socializing and gifts, even if they could technically afford it).

A few options, depending on what you’re most comfortable with:

* How’s your rapport with your boss? Would you be willing to tell her this is posing a financial burden and ask that she step in to steer the group toward lower-cost (or better yet, free) options, or that she make it easier for people to opt out without embarrassment? If she responds with something like, “Oh, no one will mind if you don’t contribute,” you can say, “That may be true, but I’d repeatedly be the one person not participating and that doesn’t feel great for team cohesion and candidly I am concerned about being judged for it, so I’d really appreciate if it if you could address it.”

* If not your boss, is there another colleague you’d be comfortable talking to about it? A lot of people would be horrified to realize a coworker was feeling this way and would be glad to step in and redirect the group toward cheaper or free options when this comes up in the future, if you ask for their help. You might give them some specifics that would help, like steering the group toward cheaper restaurants and gifts, speaking up when someone suggests splitting a check to say “I think Jane’s portion was much cheaper than everyone else’s, let’s not ask her to cover us,” and even addressing it with the group more broadly (“this is a lot of money, let’s not pressure people that way”).

* Speak up yourself! There’s absolutely no shame — and in fact there is merit — in being the person who says, “Whoa, I’d love to go to lunch but that’s way out of my budget. Can we pick a more affordable option like X or Y?” or “I’m happy to sign a card, but I can’t afford to contribute the amount that’s being asked” or ‘“I need to ask for a separate check” (at the start of a meal) or simply “That’s not in my budget.”

I know you feel awkward about that but there is no shame in not being wealthy, even when everyone around you is! Can you mentally reframe it as doing your colleagues the solid of sensitizing them to the real world where most people don’t have their money? Or as doing a favor to the next person who’s hired who feels the way you do? Keep in mind, too, that if anyone should be embarrassed here, it’s them for how thoughtless they’re being, not you for not being independently wealthy. If you can actively embrace being the sensible, grounded person pointing out that this is bananapants money for a lot of people, you might feel better about it. And if that gets you a reputation as being especially frugal … that’s okay! Sometimes leaning into something you feel awkward about can make it a lot easier. (“Why, yes, I am very frugal! So can we go with Option B instead?”)

If you do that, there’s a chance your coworkers will just offer to cover your portion — which isn’t the outcome you want. If that happens, you could say, “I appreciate it, but this comes up a lot more than you might realize, and I don’t want to have to keep accepting someone else’s money just to be a part of our team. We’re way of out whack with how much offices normally ask people to spend on this stuff, and I’m asking that we scale it back in general, not just this time.”

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