my partner is angry about how I handled harassment, venting to employees about managers above them, and more

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This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My partner is angry about how I handled harassment at work

Content warning for domestic violence.

I’m a woman in finance. Six months ago, I was put into a team with an older male colleague who from day one decided to call me “Legs.” When someone challenged him, he said, “Well, look, she’s got legs up to here!” He gets too close, stares at my boobs, and one time walked past me while I was at my desk and, rather than squeezing my shoulder in passing, he put his hand effectively on the side of my boob and as he walked off his hand brushed off me. Word got back to the directors, he was told off for his behavior, he tried to apologize to me on a work night out, and I told him, “It’s not just what you do, but after you leave the room I become the butt of the joke for the next hour and it’s all totally humiliating.” It all then stopped.

Whilst all the harassment stopped after that, he has been difficult to work with because he’s lazy and non-compliant and I have to tidy up all his messes. I’m leaving this job because I have a promotion with a new firm. Since my exit interview, this collegue and I have butted heads on a project and I’ve gone home and vented to my partner.

Somehow, all the past sexual harrassment stuff came up and my partner got really, really furious with me for not previously reporting this colleague or doing anything to get this “predator” out of work. He shouted at me and gave me ultimatums of “you’ve got until your last day, otherwise I’ll be contacting the director.” He was so cross he shoved me at one point and said, “You’re a POS, not an advocate for women at all. It’s embarrassing a man has to stick up for women’s rights.” He berated me for making excuses for enabling this colleague. He is a domestic abuse survivor, but I plainly told him this is my situation and my work, and he’s being controlling and overstepping. My partner strongly believes he has a right to advocate for the next woman who’s going to step into my role.

How do I handle this? I’m very close to ending my relationship.

I’m so sorry — this awful and unfair in a number of different ways.

Would you consider calling a domestic violence hotline? I’m so sorry to say it, but I don’t think you can safely stay in this relationship. The verbal abuse and belittling on their own are a reason to leave; the shoving takes it far, far past that line.

None of the rest of my answer matters as much as that, but to address the other issues: your partner isn’t “sticking up for women’s rights.” Trying to overrule a woman’s autonomy in deciding how to handle a professional situation that affects her is not being an ally to women at all. If he wants to advocate for women, he needs to start by respecting their autonomy and their judgment. If he simply can’t live with how you’ve decided to handle your own work situation, his options are to try to change your perspective respectfully or to leave — not to try to bully you into doing what he wants.

2. Should a top executive be venting to employees about managers above them?

My coworker Michael was lateral to me and on my team when I joined about seven years ago. However, in the years since, our CEO has taken a strong liking to him and he has risen through the ranks, to the point where he is now essentially the CEO’s second-in-command in charge of daily operations.

Michael does not manage our team, but he is still quite close with many of us and often hangs out with us socially at team lunches and happy hours. Sometimes during these gatherings, he will “vent” to us, often about people or teams far above us — complaining, for example, that VP Jane never shows up to meetings or that X Product Team takes forever to get anything done. He once ranted about how our team’s manager never checks her messages and how various processes she’s implemented make no sense. These are all things that I agree with. They impact my daily workflow, in a way I don’t think they impact his, and hugely frustrate me as well. But I’m finding myself getting annoyed when Michael complains about them, because I don’t have the power to change any of these things as a rank-and-file employee — but he does! He has hiring, firing, and disciplinary power, he’s in high-level meetings, and he could actually do something about these problems!

I know that some of these may well be battles that Michael has reasonably decided aren’t worth fighting. Still, is it reasonable to think that Michael is a bit insensitive for making these complaints to us?

Not only insensitive, but oddly oblivious to his own position of power and influence, as well as to how “here’s a problem I could try to fix but rather than dealing with it competently, I’m just going to complain” reflects on him. He’s basically advertising his own ineffectiveness.

And if he has correctly judged that these aren’t battles worth fighting, then he’s just demonstrating bad judgment in picking you as his audience to vent to. Besides being indiscreet, venting from higher-ups about other higher-ups is bad for people’s morale.

What would happen if you started replying, “Don’t you have the authority now to do something about that?”

3. Should I tell my boss about my PMDD?

I am four months into a new position in my company. I am past the training stage and am now handling my own accounts and assisting others. I have struggled with ADHD in the past, but have been able to manage it for the past few years with medication.

Here’s where the problem comes in: I was diagnosed with PMDD years ago and stopped taking the hormonal birth control that made me stop my period completely. This has caused the hormonal surges and drops that lead to PMDD and it’s beginning to cause issues at work. One super fun side effect of my PMDD is that it makes my ADHD medication essentially useless. A lot of people have been out of work this last week, and trying to handle the extra work while dealing with unmitigated ADHD and terrible mood swings has been a nightmare and I’ve admittedly been ineffective. My boss has scheduled calls to check in and while I’ve been open about feeling overwhelmed, I’m beginning to wonder if I should explain why. During a non-PMDD week, I feel I would’ve been able to handle the higher work load. I’m worried that this is going to leave a lasting impression. I’m beginning to wonder if it would be easier to just explain to my boss that my PMDD wreaked havoc on my ability to focus last week but that I am working with my doctor to find a solution. Is this too much to share? Would it be viewed as making excuses?

You don’t need to share that level of detail, and doing so risks opening you up to misunderstandings and biases about PMDD (and ADHD, for that matter). But as with any health issue, it’s enough to just stick to the parts that are pertinent to your boss. So for example: “I want to let you know that I’m having a medication issue that’s affecting my ability to concentrate. I’m working with my doctor to find a solution and I don’t expect it to continue long-term, but I wanted to let you know in case I don’t seem at 100% right now.”

Related:
should you tell your boss if you’re struggling with mental health issues?

4. How do I move back to a more junior job after covering while a coworker was on leave?

For over a year now, I have been covering the job of a colleague while she is on maternity leave. Her maternity leave is due to end soon and in my country she is entitled to her previous job back. I will either need to return to my previous (more junior) role in the organization or to look for a new job elsewhere.

How do I prepare to give her her job back without getting possessive or anxious that she will do a better job than I did? How do I navigate taking on a more junior role within the same team? I totally support the rights of working parents but am not sure how to navigate this transition emotionally and practically.

It’s hard when you feel like you’re moving backwards. But a better way to look at it is that your coworker’s leave can be something that helps you move forward: it gave you something really great to put on your resume, which you can now parlay into a similar position somewhere else. (Or potentially at your current organization if something opens up.) The time you spent covering her job built your skills and gives you evidence of those skills and capabilities, and that should make getting the next job easier.

Doing higher-level work can also help you do more junior roles at a higher level than you were doing them previously; you probably have a more nuanced understanding of the priorities, constraints, and politics of management above you and that broadened perspective can influence the way you approach your job now. You also might think about what you did and didn’t like about the work you were covering and use that to refine what you want next (as well as where your biggest challenges were, if those are areas you want to develop in).

Last, are there opportunities to bring the skills you’ve built in the last year back to your current team in a new way? If so, consider talking to your boss about places where those could be helpful.

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