what to do about a terrible workplace when you can’t leave, employee keeps writing in her pregnancy journal at work, and more

[ResidentialBusiness]

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. What to do about a terrible workplace when you can’t leave

I know it’s often the case that the best thing to do in a terrible work setting is to start looking for another job. I’m wondering if you have any advice for circumstances where you really can’t do that, or at least aren’t willing to accept the consequences of doing so. I’m a PhD student in a psychology program. As part of the program we have to spend a certain amount of time providing services through our departmental clinic. This is non-optional for the program, so the only way around this is to drop out of the program. Within our field, PhD students cannot transfer programs — if you drop out, you start from scratch at a new program (assuming one will even accept you; it’s one of the most competitive fields of graduate study and dropping out of a program is looked on unfavorably). So, the consequences of leaving are very high and potentially career-ending.

Within this context, our clinic admin is a nightmare. She routinely screams, swears, yells, stomps around, and otherwise makes the clinic a tense and unpleasant environment. She interacts inappropriately with clients, yelling at them, recommending crystals instead of therapy, telling them to go home because they’ve arrived at the wrong time when in fact they’ve arrived at the correct time, and the list goes on.

The students have tried to push back. We bring up these incidents to the clinic co-directors. One student even coordinated collecting complaints in a unified document — it was five pages long, single-spaced. When presented to the clinic co-directors, the response was that not much could be done. Supposedly, the clinic has no hierarchy and the co-directors therefore have no authority over her (?!).

What are we missing? When a situation is this level of bad, what options are on the table that aren’t leaving?

Well … possibly none. If the co-directors report to anyone, you could go over their heads to whoever they report to. If that’s another person, that’s a more feasible option than if it’s a board of directors. (Going to a board isn’t completely off the table, but the bar for doing it is very high and often won’t work; boards frequently just don’t get involved in day-to-day management issues.) The other options are to (a) keep pushing with the co-directors, but it sounds like you’ve already been pushing and they are simply not going to act, (b) come up with some kind of leverage that will motivate them to act (such as credibly making it clear you’ll be steering other students away from the program), (c) bring in someone else who has influence (like someone high up in your program who isn’t part of the clinic, or someone in the university who has oversight over the program), (d) unionize, (e) accept it’s not going to change and find a way to be okay with working around the problems, or (f) leave, which you noted you can’t do. Most people in normal work contexts end up eventually choosing E or F. In your case, C is likely the best shot at changing things, and if that doesn’t work, you’re looking at E.

2. Employee keeps writing in her pregnancy journal at work

I work at a larger higher education institution in a department that manages many grant-funded projects. All of us working on these projects are in staff positions (not teaching faculty). One of my employees, Sansa, started several months ago and this is her first professional job since graduating. She is capable and I have no issues with her work overall.

Last week, she announced to the office (repeatedly) that she is pregnant. Of course I wish her well. But the issue is that she now walks around with a first-time mom pregnancy journal and pulls it out to write in. Continually. It has been about a week and I see this journal multiple times a day. I want to say something to her along the lines of, “I know you are excited about your pregnancy, but please save your journal for your personal time, such as lunch breaks or out of office time.” This is no different to me than say, doing homework on work time (which I have dealt with before in a similar way). I feel that since this is pregnancy-related, though, I am dipping into uncharted territory.

Do I say anything? Do I let this go? How do I approach her? My goal is to create a comfortable, low-distraction environment for staff and I am concerned this is going to turn in to a “thing.”

If she’s doing a good job and getting all her work done and the amount of time she’s spending on the journal is just a couple of minutes here and there, let it go — the same way you presumably would if she were spending a few minutes socializing in the kitchen or texting her spouse.

But if the amount of time she’s spending on it is excessive, then it’s reasonable to say something like: “I know you’re excited about the pregnancy, and I’m really happy for you. I’ve seen you writing in your pregnancy journal a lot during the day and I want to remind you to please save it for breaks or other non-work time — just like with anything else not work-related, like homework or social media.”

3. Interviewers want to know how I handle difficulties

I’m looking for a job again for the first time in many years and am running into a type of question in interviews that I haven’t encountered in the past. All the questions are some variation of “how do you handle it when you are experiencing difficulty?” and I’m confused how to answer because it seems like an obvious “I would discuss it with my manager.”

Some examples include:
“What do you do if you can’t find the answer when you’re working?”
“How do you handle it when you have a lot of work to do and can’t meet your deadlines?”
“How would we know you are struggling?”

That last one made me gape a little because it seems so obvious. I responded with, “I would tell you.”

Can you provide some insight on why they are asking this and what sort of answer they are looking for? For deadlines or research, I did try to expand on how I would approach it if my manager wasn’t available.

I’m concerned that I’m coming across as being unable to deal with problems on my own if my first thought is to ask my boss. However, that is how my prior bosses have wanted me to handle it. In my experience, my manager always wanted to know if I was running into roadblocks.

You’d be surprised by how many people’s answer to the last two questions isn’t “You would know because I would tell you.” It’s obvious to you, but it’s very much not obvious to everyone. Some people will answer, “I would stay late and find a way to get everything done,” or “I would prioritize on my own without looping anyone else in” (although they don’t say it like that) or all sorts of other things. So your answer to those is fine.

The question where I’d adjust a bit is “What do you do if you can’t find the answer when you’re working?” With that one, are there things you would do before you’d go to your manager — like reviewing documentation, googling, or looking at how similar problems have been solved in the past? I bet you do that stuff, and you’re assuming “when you can’t find the answer” means you’ve already tried those things, but spell out those steps too.

4. How to explain my boyfriend’s job when he has a trust fund and rarely works

I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years. He comes from a rich family and has access to a trust fund and he doesn’t work, aside from a few projects here and there. (For anonymity, let’s say they are llama grooming projects and I am also a llama groomer). The problem is that when I’m out socially — or at networking events — people constantly ask me what my partner does. Saying “he’s a llama groomer” isn’t really true or accurate, as I can’t name an employer or even any recent projects. I’ve tried to keep things vague and name jobs he’s had in the distant past, but people just keep asking questions. Is there a graceful way to answer this? It’s very frustrating and I constantly find myself making things up, which I don’t like to do. I don’t think he would want me telling people he has a trust fund, either.

Can you say, “He does freelance llama grooming”? If pressed for details about what he’s working on currently, you can say, “He’s pretty selective about what projects he takes on so nothing currently, but he tends to like work featuring X and Y.”

Also, why are people asking so many follow-up questions?! Maybe that’s normal in your field, but I’m surprised they’re pushing for so much info. (Is it an in-demand speciality where they might want to hire him? Or what do you think is behind it?)

The other option is to not mention his occasional llama grooming work at all and just answer with what he spends his time on: “He’s really into gardening and currently taking over our backyard with rutabaga and kohlrabi.”

5. How do I “do” FMLA as the healthy spouse?

We’ve just been told that my husband’s medical tests have found evidence of cancer. We don’t know what stage anything is in yet, and we don’t know what treatment or management might look like.

At what point do you request FMLA once you find out that your spouse has cancer? We only just found out, so we don’t yet know the severity or treatment plans. Is this something where I should go to HR right away, let them know the situation, and keep them updated as I know more? Or would it be better to wait until we have a clear idea of what’s going on and when I will need to be out of work?

I’ve never had to request FMLA before, so I don’t even know where to start or what the etiquette is … or even what it really means, other than “you go on FMLA when you have a baby or somebody in your immediate family is really sick and you need to help take care of them.”

How much detail do I have to give? Do I have to tell my supervisor first, and then she speaks to HR about it? Can I go straight to HR, bypassing my supervisor? Can telling my work what’s going on be used against me in any way?

As the healthy spouse, what can I really use FMLA for (accompanying them to medical appointments, staying home with them while they’re recovering from the effects of chemo)? If we get worst-case scenario news and the doctor gives them six months to live, can I use FMLA just to stay with them so we have every moment possible together?

I mostly want to cry and hold my spouse right now. I don’t want to have to explain to everybody what’s going on, especially as we don’t even really know yet and I will likely cry when I make the FMLA request. I just want my spouse to get better, and for the work aspect of my life to let me be with my partner as much as possible right now.

I’m so sorry and I hope you get news that’s as positive as possible, as quickly as possible.

FMLA is unpaid leave of up to 12 weeks per year that protects your job. You can be required to use up your paid leave as part of it; in other words, it’s not a separate bank of leave that kicks in after you’ve run through the rest of your leave. It’s basically 12 weeks of job protection while you’re out, which may or may not overlap with the paid leave your employer offers. You can use it for accompanying your spouse to appointments, transporting or caring for them during treatment, and other forms of care they need, including “psychological comfort.” More here.

Generally it makes sense to wait until you have more clarity on the situation and know what you want to ask for. If you have a good relationship with your boss, you can certainly let her know now what’s going on, but you don’t need to do that. It’s fine to wait until you have more specifics about the time you want to take, at least to start with. You can also go straight to HR if you prefer to start with them. Once you’re ready to officially request FMLA, HR will likely have forms for you to fill out. Legally your company cannot hold your use of FMLA against you; that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, but if you’re working with generally decent people, they are likely to simply want to ensure you get what you need.

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