am I too nice to be a good manager?

A reader writes:

I’ve been a people manager for a few years now. I join a company as an individual contributor and get pushed into management as soon as a role opens. I don’t seek it out; I’ve tried to decline, only to end up managing anyway. I believe in the “servant leader” style, and I try to make sure that my teams have what they need to be successful.

I’m also a pretty good people person. Throughout my career, colleagues and clients have tended to like me. I’m approachable, and I like to find compromise between conflicting priorities. My team isn’t a pure support role, but it’s ancillary (think design or marketing), so I need to collaborate with other teams so we all succeed. I find that being friendly and well-liked helps me achieve that.

One of my reports recently turned in some substandard work, which I didn’t expect. I talked over the issue with a peer manager, who suggested being straightforward, saying that the work wasn’t what I expected, and did they have any ideas how to prevent that going forward. I told my peer that substandard work was unusual from this report, and they probably know it was substandard, which made me think that something is bothering them, either at work or outside, and I’d like to address that before anything. My peer thought that was an unusual approach, but would probably be effective.

I’ve been told by a couple of past reports that they would have preferred me to be more aggressive. That instead of finding a compromise in a conflict, they wanted me to overrule the other party. I see that as a short-term win, but a long-term loss. They think it would teach other teams to take us more seriously. It’s not like I’ve never done the hard management tasks. I’ve let people go, for cause. I’ve told people they can’t have the resources they want, or that we’re not going to work on their priorities right now. I just try to do it kindly.

Am I setting myself and my team up for failure down the road? I’ve looked at the next few rungs up the ladder, and I fear my style wouldn’t serve me well as a manager-of-managers. I’m okay with that; I’ve never pursued higher titles before, and I don’t see any reason to start now. But I don’t want myself or my team to be perceived as pushovers. I don’t think that’s happening now, but I want to be on guard.

For what it’s worth, I’m a middle-aged white male. I know that my privilege plays a big role in how I’m perceived, and why I keep ending up in management.

I don’t know if you’re setting yourself or your team up for failure, based on what’s here. I strongly suspect you’re not (and I don’t think anything here indicates you wouldn’t do well as a manager of managers), but I don’t have enough info to say with certainty.

For what it’s worth, I do think telling someone that something must be bothering them because they turned into substandard work is unusual. Sometimes people turn in substandard work because they misunderstood what you were looking for, or they didn’t leave themselves enough time to do it well, or their workload was pulling them in other directions, or they just didn’t put the right amount of effort into it. Or, sure, it could be that something inside or outside of work is bothering them. But I’d be a little taken aback if my manager approached me the way you did your employee, unless you had some specific reason to think that. It feels … almost patronizing, and potentially a little intrusive. I’d much rather you just tell me what the problems were with the work and ask for my perspective.

But for all I know, your team member might have appreciated it, and it’s possible that your people skills led you to know that it was the right approach for them and in that particular situation. (And I’m curious to know how they responded — did they reveal that something was bothering them, and you were right in your assumption?) But if that would always be your approach across the board, then yeah, I think that’s a little off.

However, even though you and I disagree on that, you could still be a fantastic manager! Different managers have different styles that work for them. Good managers don’t all have to operate exactly alike.

For a manager who’s wondering if they’re too “nice,” some good questions to reflect on are these:

* When there are problems with a person’s work, how quickly and directly do you tell them? Do you have a habit of letting problems fester unaddressed, or do you usually address them forthrightly? And when there is a pattern of problems, do you name the pattern too (as opposed to addressing things piecemeal as they come up)?

* Are there things you wish your employees would do differently that you haven’t talked to them about?

* When there are serious problems with someone’s work, how long does it take you to consider that they might be mismatched with the job? When you’ve fired people, how long did that take to play out?

* Is your team made up of people who you would be happy to hire again? If not, are you actively working to bring them up to where you need them to be?

* Does work get done well and on time? Do you ever find yourself reluctant to assign work to the person who theoretically should handle it, because you worry they won’t do it well?

* Do you frequently end up doing work yourself because it’s the only way you can be sure it will get done correctly?

* When you’re on vacation, are you confident that your team is functioning well in your absence? When you’re back at work, does that generally turn out to have been the case?

* Do your highest performers seem happy to be there? How do you know?

* What kind of work is your team producing overall and what kind of results are they getting?

I think the answers to those will shed light on what you’re asking about!

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