How to deal with annoying peers

Colleagues are a critical part of what makes your work experience enjoyable and meaningful. You interact with your colleagues and (in the best of cases) create a neighborhood of peers that you can rely on both to push the work forward and to share the joys and tribulations of the workday.

That’s why annoying colleagues can be a particular thorn. When you have a peer at work that you don’t want to deal with, it disrupts the flow of your day and diminishes your intrinsic enjoyment of work. 

So, what can you do to deal with annoying coworkers? A lot of that depends on what is making them annoying. Here are a few possibilities.

Missing social norms

One thing that can make a colleague annoying is that they just don’t understand the social norms of the office. This is particularly likely to be true of people who are new to your organization and especially those who are new to working in general. Also, these social norms can be very hard to pick up when the company works remotely.

You might want to help these colleagues get acclimated to the workplace. Talk to them about what colleagues expect in the organization. Offer to give them feedback on the interactions you witness in meetings or group gatherings. Give them a heads-up about upcoming situations.

The idea here is that annoying colleagues are particularly annoying when you feel like there is nothing you can do to avoid them. By becoming a proactive part of the solution, you are giving yourself some agency that will make your colleague feel less like a rock in your shoe.

Lack of trust

Some colleagues are annoying, because you flat-out don’t trust them. You suspect that they are using any information they obtain to get ahead at the expense of others. Perhaps they have the ear of leadership and tend to badmouth members of the team. They might even try to take more credit for projects than they deserve.

This is a hard one, because you have to be able to engage with your peers to get your work done. For one thing, if you witness a colleague doing something that undermines your trust in them, find a time to talk with them. It is possible that they are insecure and doing some of the things they do to feel successful. They may not even realize that others have picked up on what they’re doing. The aim is to try to convince your colleague that playing with the team is likely to help them to be more successful than undermining the team.

If you do have this conversation, focus on the observable facts without implying a motive. Tell them what you saw them do and allow them to talk to you about why. Hopefully, the conversation will improve that colleague’s future behavior. Of course, if they deny having done anything wrong, it reinforces your lack of trust.

If you do have a colleague who is truly untrustworthy, try to avoid engaging with them more than necessary. Hopefully, their supervisor will have some sense that this person isn’t trustworthy and will provide some feedback to correct their behavior. Machiavellian individuals in particular may treat their peers poorly, but suck up to leadership. Still, your best bet is to steer clear and focus your efforts on your trusted colleagues.

Social awkwardness and neurodivergence

Some people are just socially awkward. They mean well, but they don’t pick up on the social cues that others use to know that a social interaction isn’t going well or they should leave someone alone. Some (though not all) of these socially awkward individuals may be on the autism spectrum.

There are two things to do here: First, give some grace. If you’re fortunate enough to be socially skilled, you may not realize how hard it is to be socially awkward. Everyone wants to feel some connection to their colleagues, and your socially atypical and neurodivergent colleagues have a particularly hard time sustaining those connections. Being a good colleague and friend is going to improve their work experience (and yours).

As you befriend these colleagues, talk with them about whether they would appreciate you letting them know if they’re being a bother. Often, they will value getting more direct feedback about when an engagement has gone awry. That way, you can help them and also redirect interactions before they become annoying.

AITA?

If several colleagues are being annoying, it could be a run of bad luck, but there is also a significant chance that the problem is you. 

Reflect a bit on the way you engage with your colleagues. Are there things you’re doing that may rub them the wrong way? If you can’t figure it out, find a colleague you think you get along with well, and ask. 

If you do figure out (or are told) that you are driving your colleagues nuts, then sit down with your colleagues individually and apologize. Discuss the situation and assure them that you want to be a good colleague and are working to improve. Conversations like that can go a long way toward repairing your relationships with your peers.

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