the chili cook-off chaos, the cheesecake theft, and other stories of holidays at work

It’s more holiday stories!

Tradition dictates that as we head into the holiday season, we must revisit holiday stories previously shared by readers. Here are some favorites.

1. The rare books department

I’ve changed up a couple of details from this being super recognizable, but I used to work in a rare books department in a library. People who work in rare books tend to have pretty esoteric passions that lead them there, and these were always on full display at said party. My favorite selections from over the years:

– The brand new head of the department wanted to show off a bit at his first Christmas party, give a speech… and sing “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” with his 21-year-old, fresh out of college secretary. I was on the party planning committee and tried to veto it politely by asking an HR assistant (also on the committee) who sang part-time in a professional choir if he’d prefer to lead everyone in some secular holiday songs instead, but the secretary thought I was insulting her singing ability, angrily told me that she’d been singing since she was a little girl, and burst into tears. The meeting then awkwardly ended. (In the end, we printed out the lyrics to ‘Let It Snow’ and had a very, very bad a cappella sing-along after the bar had been open for a while.)

– Staff members made medieval hot possets based on a recipe found in a book in the library. Possets are basically cream, egg, spices, and white wine. I didn’t care for the taste since the medieval palate is very different from the modern one, but others did, and didn’t realize how much wine was in the recipe. One of the fellows I only vaguely knew by sight got extremely drunk. He broke the thermostat off the wall, looked at it confusedly, and then in what I can only describe as ‘a Mr. Bean-esque fashion’ stuck it back on the wall. Surprisingly it held there long enough for me to fetch facilities.

– I wasn’t here for this one, but after the posset incident, I heard about a previous party where staff members decided to make a Victorian flaming punch bowl, one where you mix of bunch of different spirits together and stick a sugar cone in it, then set the cone on fire. Fire, sugar, and the Victorian equivalent of a Long Island Iced Tea? What could go wrong?

Quite a bit! As soon as they set the sugar cone on fire, the whole thing went up in a FWOOM of flame and the curtains behind the punchbowl caught fire. I always got different answers about what happened next– either the sprinkler system went off, or someone fetched the emergency fire extinguisher from the break room, or possibly both– but that staff party ended very early, and with no one eating or drinking anything. (2020)

2. The cook-off

Our office had a chili cook-off once. The morning of the potluck, it was announced that due to inclement winter weather and some people not being able to make it into the office, the potluck was canceled. Most people took this news with a normal level of disappointment.

A colleague of mine, Barb, had a crockpot of chili cooking at the office. Chaos erupted when Barb read the cancellation email. Yelling, punching things at her desk, crying, screaming, etc. She called HR (who had decided to cancel the potluck, the perpetrator in Barb’s mind) and chewed them out abusively over the phone, and then called her husband to blow off steam, and a handful of others. She yelled and cried at the office for 3 or 4 hours. (It was awful and I complained to her boss.) She ended up demanding that HR reimburse her for the chili ingredients, and they did.

At future potlucks, Barb proudly announced to anyone nearby on potluck day that she didn’t bring anything to the potluck. According to her, she had special permission from HR to attend potlucks without contributing to food (as was the office etiquette) as retribution for how they “screwed her over.” We never had a chili cook-off again. (2022)

3. The rescued rib

My office had a fancy holiday party that had a huge table of sushi and other fancy finger-food appetizers. Enough to feed an army, and constantly replenished by the catering staff. Well…

Someone dropped a barbecue short rib appetizer on the floor, sauce-side down. That person walked away and grabbed a fresh one from the table. A different coworker came along, saw the floor-food, picked it up AND ATE IT like it was the most normal thing in the world. (2021)

4. The turkeys

My old PR firm back in 2009 would let everyone choose a food gift at the holidays and one year it was either a large, organic turkey (that could feed 10) or a very nice cheesecake. A fellow junior employee was lactose intolerant but chose the cheesecake, so I asked her why and she responded that her apartment “doesn’t allow pets.” She thought our bosses were going around and giving employees live turkeys to take home. (2023)

5. The chili deception

Work did a chili cook-off. We had a couple employees who don’t eat meat who basically got mocked by several other coworkers (think those guys who proudly brag about how they won’t eat vegetables and “pick the green bits out” of chicken pot pie, etc.) when they mentioned bringing vegetarian chili.

I got into a Mood about it, and my Moods can be … petty. I decided to bring a vegan option (I wasn’t vegan whatsoever). I spoke to friends of mine who are, though, got all their best recipe tips, tested and worked on it for a month and a half leading up. We ate so much vegan chili. We were so sick of it, but I was bound and determined to figure this out because I hate people who think it’s hilarious to make other people feel bad about what they eat.

I entered my vegan chili in the cook-off but nobody listed ingredients so you didn’t know whose chili had what and it could be “so and so’s secret recipe,” although of course the vegetarian coworker who participated made a veggie version, etc.

The coworkers who had mocked my vegetarian coworkers also mocked their bean-based chili offerings, of course (their chili was so good actually!). They LOVED mine, which to them had what looked like meat in it. Talked it up!

I explained it was vegan. Not a single animal product involved.

Even though I didn’t win anything, I kind of still felt like I did when I saw the look on the one guy’s face. (2023)

6. The oysters

Before I was married to my husband, he worked for a small law firm and the owner/equity partner threw a lovely holiday party at one of the many clubs he belonged to. The man went all out every year! Seriously: think open top-shelf bar, gigantic surf and turf entrees, multiple passed apps for a party of maybe 10-15 people.

One year he decided to offer a raw bar. I was excited, since I love oysters and shrimp cocktail, but was prepared for enough to feed the small gathering.

When we arrived, there was a large table with an abundant display of all sorts of oysters, clams, crab, shrimp, lobster, etc. … with all of the accoutrements. Out of a party of 12, only three of us enjoyed anything on the table other than shrimp. So I posted up next to the table with another spouse – one of the only people who would eat anything off the table – and ate literally between 80 and 100 oysters. It was over the course of a few hours, but from then on, I was known as the girl who ate 100 oysters.

I will never again experience a night of 100 oysters (and about 5 gin gimlets) because shortly after the party, the firm closed as the owner decided to retire. (2023)

7. The murder mystery lunch

My department went to a local, beloved restaurant as part of our holiday outing. We were going to go to their Holiday Murder Mystery lunch where, we assumed, we’d eat lunch while the play was going on. I personally thought there might be a little audience participation required but nothing like what we encountered.

Firstly, when booking the lunch, we were sent a picture of the room we’d be in. It was spacious and well-lit and beautifully decorated! When we got to the restaurant we were escorted into the basement where there were no windows, dim lighting, and a dingy bar. As we sat there, the actors came out dressed as elves, reindeer, and Mr. and Mrs. Claus. The costumes looked like they were picked up at the Halloween Store discount sale and smelled like they hadn’t been washed in years (yes, I could actually smell them). They moved from table to table, “in character,” and even sat down with us many times … where they stayed for several minutes. Now, I can appreciate the work and skill it takes to improv but after about 10 minutes all I wanted to do was drink my Diet Coke and wait for the actual performance to start – not be forced to talk about Santa’s dismissal of labor laws with a guy in tights. After about 15 minutes of this I realized, with great horror, that this WAS the performance. These actors were going to improvise a play about a murder in Santa’s Workshop for the next two hours.

It. Was. Dreadful. I have never been so uncomfortable in such a “festive” setting. The most surreal part was when they would make dirty jokes and break into song. A guy dressed in a muscle suit with reindeer antlers on his head gyrated behind me as I stared intensely at the table. If there was a crack in the floor, I would’ve slid into it.

What made it worse was the fact that the poor waitress (who apparently been pulled aside at the last minute and told she was going to be waiting on 30 people by herself), was struggling to take orders that we had already placed when we booked the event. We got there at 12pm and by 2pm, we still hadn’t been served. Not only that, but no one had been murdered yet!

When we finally got our food, I realized that things were not going to get any better. The food looked like it could get up and walk away and the dessert was, what I assumed to be, canned apple pie filling with Redi-Whip on top.

We got a break from the show while we ate (or chose not to), at which point we were forced to tell the actors that we had to be back on the bus by 3pm and someone had better get murdered soon. They picked up the improv pace and the workshop inspector faced death-by-wrapping-paper. We were given pieces of paper to write down who we thought did it and turned them in. The motive behind the murder was of a sexual nature, which I thought was a bit inappropriate for an office outing, and we were able to get out of there in time to get back to our bus.

We complained to management but were met with not much more than a shrug. If the food was at least decent, I could’ve brushed off that cringe-worthy “murder mystery” but, alas, there was really nothing redeeming about this outing. Except maybe the waitress, who has my condolences. (2021)

8. The overshare

Long ago there was a party where everyone had to post a fact about themselves and you had to match the coworker to the fact.

One posted a fact about their kinks, which, while perfectly acceptable as a kink, still did not belong at work. (2023)

9. The cheesecakes

My husband’s former employer threw great holiday parties. Excellent food and entertainment. They also provided gift bags for all the guests which were typically distributed as you were leaving. The bags differed a little each year but usually included things like a Amex gift card, bottle of wine or sparkling cider, pair of movie tickets, etc. One year the bags included a gift certificate to a local bakery known for their cheesecake. That particular year, the bags were already available at each place setting and tables were assigned for a sit-down dinner. (In previous years, things were served buffet style and you sat wherever you want.)

There was a DJ who was spinning tunes after dinner. Most people were either dancing or mingling around – except for one of my husband’s coworkers, ‘Larry,’ who had a well-earned reputation as a cheapskate. After consuming a multitude of adult beverages, Larry was stumbling around and rummaging through unattended gift bags. My husband’s boss eventually saw what was going on and confronted Larry. Larry had pilfered about 40 cheesecake bakery gift certificates and about an equal number of Amex gift cards.

His excuse? His daughter was getting married the following summer and he figured he could use the gift cards to pay for wedding expenses and insist his daughter serve cheesecake for dessert at her wedding. Boss took the gift cards and certificates from Larry, called him a cab, and sent him home. There was a company-wide email that went out Monday morning telling employees what had been in in the bags and if anything was missing to please contact HR to have the items replaced.

The following year the company went back to handing out gift bags as you were leaving. (2023)

10. Something nicer 

One of our coworkers was a daughter of a Laotian immigrant who taught traditional cooking classes at the local community center. Her spring rolls were legendary. The daughter would always bring a large tray – enough for at least 1 per person if not 2 – of them to the annual all-company holiday potluck (300 people). You could always tell when her dish arrived – first you would hear murmurs, then a dull roar, an email would go out, and then a stampede down stairwell. Even people who usually abstained from the potluck would go down and get at least one.

One year … she and the precious spring rolls weren’t there. We found out the mom was in a bad car accident a couple days prior and was not expected to make it so daughter was at her bedside. A collection was taken and PTO was donated (company matched all offerings) and mom sadly passed after a few more days (shortly before Christmas).

First day the company was open after New Year’s there is a commotion at the front door. This employee and her entire family came to the main entrance with THOUSANDS of these spring rolls for the employees as a thank you for donations and financial/PTO assistance. We feasted. I happened to work in the department next to hers and for several months following, whenever she was missing her mother she made those spring rolls and brought some in to share with our floor. I left there two years ago but timed my last day to coincide with the annual potluck so I would have one last chance at those spring rolls. (2021)

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