update: should I write a list of rules so a colleague treats me decently?

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer wondering whether to write a list of rules so a colleague, Paul, would treat them decently? Here’s the update.

I’ve recently taken a step that commenters had advised — leaving the group.

Getting Paul to leave (your excellent advice) wasn’t an option, though perhaps me leaving will push things in that direction. I alerted five people to why I was leaving, and a number of them seem to be realizing that the group has to address the “missing stair” of Paul. So we’ll see what happens! But for now, my stress level is definitely lower, and I can focus on other organizing work that is also meaningful to me. It was the right decision for me at this time to just leave the org. That’s the tl;dr. For the full story…

After I wrote to you (and you and the commenters affirmed for me that I was not going to be able to write a list of rules that would solve my Paul problem), I decided to step away from my leadership role in the org and also change other commitments I had made so that Paul had as little reason as possible for interacting with me within that org. Magically, Paul somehow still managed to get involved with the things I was doing, even though they were part of different committees. They also kept trying to contact me through third parties.

A long-distance partner of mine came along to one of the org’s activities and Paul was pretty weird about it. That reminded me about one of our early interactions where Paul ignored my boundaries: when they kept asking me to see a movie (over and over and over) despite me repeatedly declining. Perhaps obviously, I came to believe that despite what Paul had claimed about this being about “our friendship” … it really wasn’t about friendship for them.

In theory, if the group eventually was able to create a code of conduct then Paul’s behavior could be addressed, so I hoped all summer that would move forward; however, Paul has long resisted a code of conduct, and they remain in leadership (and have been in that role longer than anyone else by a wide margin).

Meanwhile, Paul and I also have another community in common, and Paul hung around me there a lot, especially standing behind me and watching me – so much so that a friend who knew nothing about the situation started asking me why that guy was staring at me so intently. All this escalated when Paul emailed me asking for mediation again. They also sat right behind my family at two different events, continuing this pattern of being really close (and specifically *behind* me). I told Paul I wasn’t interested in mediation and that I was leaving the org to hold the boundaries I needed. I also outlined those boundaries: don’t contact me, on any platform, including through third parties, don’t hover behind me, and don’t sit behind/near me and my family. Paul said they had never wanted me to leave the group but would honor these requests. My spirits started to lift, perhaps they were finally hearing me – and then at another event Paul sat about ten feet behind my family. They met my eyes when I walked into the room to join my family, and it was clear they knew what they were doing. So I told people within our other shared community as well.

It’s been interesting to see how the two communities have responded, and some of that is because the one is “non-hierarchical” (in theory — but Paul has a lot of power!) and the other has clear leadership. It’s definitely proving you and the commenters right that the problem with the one org is that someone like Paul is allowed to stay and there’s no mechanism to get them out. In the non-hierarchical org, people are interested in addressing the Paul situation, but there’s no clear path to do so. I’ve left the org, so don’t really know what’s going on. I’m not guessing anything will happen quickly though. The other org immediately set up a meeting with me and someone else Paul had harassed, took our statements seriously, started crafting a harassment policy (since it didn’t exist), and gave Paul a warning. I’m still part of that org and feeling very supported there.

Thanks again for the opportunity to think through these boundary issues with you and the great commenter community! It really helped me to feel clear about my decisions as I’ve navigated this situation (so far). Hopefully Paul loses interest in me and the org that I left is able to find a way toward dealing more effectively with this kind of behavior. At least I’ve brought it more to the surface as a problem by finally naming the missing stair.

The post update: should I write a list of rules so a colleague treats me decently? appeared first on Ask a Manager.

View the full article