my mom won’t stop bugging me with work questions, office wants me to use a nickname, and more

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. I worked for my mom and now she won’t stop bugging me with work questions

Five years ago, I was offered a job at the company my mom had been working at for 20+ years. At the time, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my career and I needed the insurance and a higher wage, so I accepted the offer despite my knowing it was ultimately going to be a bad situation.

Unfortunately, I stayed for five years in the horrible working conditions. One of which was working directly for my mom all five years. During my five years at that company, I took it upon myself to change/update many processes and procedures to enable people work more effectively and efficiently. I also created many instructions on how to do my job so if and when I left, anyone would be able to sit down and do my job.

On my departure this past November, I made it clear I would be available to answer questions, but they would have to contract me for work if necessary. I also strongly recommended they hire at least a temp for my last two weeks so I could teach them before I left. Unfortunately, the COO decided they didn’t need to replace me and my mom could take on my job. This is not the case, but it’s their business, not mine.

Because of this, I keep getting calls from my mom. These calls are for things I left instructions for, things she used to do for 20 years, things I trained her on prior to my departure, and things you could easily Google. I would understand if it was a question about where some information was, but when she calls me on a Friday afternoon on my way home from my current job asking if I could stop by the office and help her create a PowerPoint for a big meeting, it feels like she is crossing a boundary. Sometimes, she’ll even call and text me about work-related issues while I’m at my new job until I respond.

When I tell her I cannot help her in this manner, but she could contract me, she pulls the “daughter card” and says I should do it for her as a favor. I don’t know how to react to this. I keep trying to remind her that I can’t do this as a favor because it used to be my job, she gets silent and offended and eventually hangs up. Is there some other way I could get my old boss/mom to stop calling me with work-related questions?

If your mom is generally reasonable, you could try talking to her about this at a time when she’s not calling you looking for help. Go out to lunch with her or something and say, “Mom, it’s really important to me to make a clean break from Old Company and be able to focus on my new job. It’s not healthy for me to get pulled back into Old Company, and I definitely can’t answer question while I’m at my new job. I tried to leave a lot of documentation when I left, but I can’t help beyond that.” You could even say, “One reason I left was because it wasn’t good for our relationship to be working together and I was looking forward to just being mother/daughter again.”

But if she’s not generally reasonable — and I suspect she might not be, based on what you’ve described — then you’ll need to just keep repeating, “No, I’m sorry, I can’t help with that.” Say it kindly but hold firm. At some point she’s likely to figure out she’s not getting anything from you and it will lessen (one hopes). But be aware that you’ll need to be consistent; if you give in and help one time in 10, you’ll train her to keep asking. If you’re really backed into a corner, though, you can also try, “Hmmm, I don’t remember — it’s been a few months now.”

Also, consider screening her calls for a while. Call her back a day or two later so that she doesn’t get the immediate gratification of reaching you instantly when she has a work question. And mute phone notifications from her while you’re at work.

– 2019

2. I don’t get my own parking pass because I’m married to a coworker

I recently started working at the same company as my husband. We are in different departments, have different schedules, and are in buildings three blocks apart. Both buildings are in the downtown area of our city where parking is prohibitively expensive. The company offers reimbursement for a parking space in local parking garages that brings the cost down to about $40 a quarter from $300 a quarter.

I never planned on commuting with my husband. I have not been bashful about saying this to anyone who asks. He runs late and we have different work schedules. I also don’t want the responsibility and stress of waking him up and keeping him on task. He is getting better at doing this on his own, but the progress has been hard fought due to mental illness. I’m afraid if I’m around pushing and pulling, he will lose that progress.

My company (specifically the HR department) is now saying that as we are a married couple we can only have reimbursement for one parking pass. I reemphasized that I wanted my own pass and pointed out that we have schedules that sometimes vary by multiple hours. They talked to my manager and she said that I can move my schedule to match his when it is only an hour or two separate. HR also said I could use the bus when our schedule varies too much.

Is this something I can/should push back on? I want to be viewed as an individual employee not the wife of so-and-so. I kind of feel like a brat being stuck on this but it is one of a couple surprises in the first week that mean I am taking a larger pay cut than I initially thought.

Yes, push back on it. They’re making presumptuous assumptions about what will work for your marriage, and it’s odd. I could maybe see them asking if you’d need a pass or not, but their insistence on this once you said you did is bizarre.

You shouldn’t receive fewer benefits simply because you’re married to another employee. I’d say it this way: “It’s not possible for me to share a parking pass with my husband because we’ll be driving to work separately, due to often having different commitments in the evenings. My understanding is that this is part of the benefits package offered to all employees, and I don’t want to miss out on part of the compensation package simply because of my marital status. Since I won’t be driving to work with Bob, I do need my own pass, like any other employee would.”

Present “we won’t be driving to work together” as an unalterable fact — regardless of any schedule changes they offer — and see where that gets you.

– 2018

Read an update to this letter here.

3. Should I send employers a lottery ticket with my resume?

I have been job hunting for a while now without much success. I’m looking for creative ways to get noticed by employers, and I had the idea to send my resume along with a lottery ticket and the message “Take a chance on meeting me!” My thinking is that it’s a cute way to stand out and some hiring managers might be intrigued enough to call me for an interview. Do you see any downsides to this?

Nooooo, do not do this. It’s really gimmicky, and it’ll look like you don’t trust your qualifications to merit an interview on their own (or understand why people get hired). It’s so gimmicky, in fact, that if I would have called you for an interview without the lottery ticket, this would make me hesitate to do it, both because the gimmick would raise questions about your judgment and understanding of professional norms and because I’d have qualms about reinforcing whatever thought process led to this.

The way you stand out to employers is by being a highly qualified candidate with a resume that shows a track record of achievement and writing a compelling, personalized cover letter. I know that’s frustrating — how will you stand out if other people have those things too, after all? — but that’s the only way to do it, at least if you want to screen for good employers who hire competently.

– 2019

4. My office wants to make me use a nickname

My name is, let’s say, Jane Smith. I just received this communication on messenger from my office manager:

Quick question: do you have a fav nickname you like to go by?
How do you feel about “JS”‘? lol
On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about Smithy?

I believe this is part of an overall strategy to improve office culture. How do I politely say I like to go by my first name/last name combination. Or just the former. Apparently everyone in the office got the same request and it’s mandatory. I have to submit a nickname by Monday! I honestly don’t have a nickname. My boyfriend suggested that I request to be referred to as “Your Majesty” but I’m a little worried that my coworkers might actually start calling me that.

“I feel strongly that names are personal and I don’t go by a nickname or want to go by one. So just Jane for me.”

If you’re pressed, “Really, I’m just Jane. In my family, names are a meaningful and personal thing and I would feel really uncomfortable having a nickname.”

And if you’re up for it: “I appreciate that this is an attempt to make the culture here friendlier. Being forced to go by a nickname I don’t like and don’t use would be the opposite of morale-boosting for me. If we want to improve the culture, maybe we can talk about (insert actually useful thing your office needs here).”

– 2019

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