my ex works at my new job, I’ve fired my new employee before, and more

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My ex works at my new job

I recently got a new job (medical field) that I was very excited for. The thing is that even after turning down other offers, I have terrible luck — out of all the jobs, I accepted the offer that put me in the same room as my ex. The break-up wasn’t great. I got ghosted. So in retaliation, I made myself visible by texting her and sending friend requests on all social media (nothing mean, it was all about what her friendship meant to me). I know, childish on my part and pretty much got blocked on everything. I moved on.

But to my surprise, there she was on my first day. I guessed that since she ghosted me, that meant that I was someone she never knew so I didn’t acknowledge her. I heard her tell my new manager that she needed to talk to her in private before she went home. If I’m unfortunately right that it may be about me, how do I proceed?

How long ago was the break-up? If it was recent, your ex may be concerned that you intentionally got a job where she works in order to be around her — an extension of all those post-break-up attempt to get her attention. If that’s the case, she’s likely very freaked out right now, and you’d probably do well to have one polite conversation with her where you tell you had no idea she worked there but you’ve moved on and she doesn’t need to worry about any weirdness from you and you will treat her like any other colleague, or more distantly if she prefers. That’s probably a conversation you need to have even if the break-up was a long time ago, but it’s especially urgent and important if it was in the last year or so.

And then treat her respectfully, as you would anyone else there. Don’t do that whole “well, she ghosted me so I shouldn’t even acknowledge her” — that’s a recipe for making her and others around her uncomfortable (and for convincing your new boss that this won’t work out). Be polite, keep a respectful distance, and don’t try to make any point with your behavior toward her (other than “I am a polite, respectful person who will not make things weird for you in any way”).

It’s possible you might need to address this with your new manager as well, depending on what you think your ex might say about you. Normally this wouldn’t be something you’d need to raise with a manager, but if your ex is really freaked out and relaying that, you might benefit from discreetly informing your boss that the two of you dated, you didn’t know she worked there when you accepted the job, and you’ll have no problem treating her respectfully and professionally.

– 2020

2. I’ve fired my new employee before

I recently took a job in my same industry and city. In my new role, I’ll have a team of eight reporting to me in various capacities and functions. During the interview process, I got a brief read-out of the team and a high level talent assessment. Nothing stood out as an issue. On my first day, I met the team reporting to me. One of the people on the team is someone that worked for me before and who I terminated for cause due to performance at my previous job.

What do I communicate to my new manager and/or HR about this situation? It feels weird to say nothing because ultimately, this could be a management issue — I’m sure this employee doesn’t feel great about the situation. On the other hand, I don’t want to risk harming this person’s reputation at this company if they are doing a good job so far. This person is pretty new here, too, and my impression is they are either doing a better job in this role or management has not yet identified an issue with their performance.

Have you talked to the employee yet? That’s important because they are undoubtedly really uncomfortable, if not outright panicking. Ideally you’d tell them that you’re happy to be working with them again, you’ve heard good things about the work they’ve been doing (if that’s true), and while you know your last time working together didn’t go the way either of you wanted, this is a different situation and, as far you’re concerned, both of you are starting fresh.

I do think you’re right that you need to mention it to your own manager or HR. It sucks because this person is entitled to a fresh start without the firing following them to a different job, but I’d be pretty concerned if I found out someone I managed didn’t share something so potentially relevant with me. It’s relevant not as a predictor of the person’s work now but because it could affect the dynamic between the two of you, and either of you could struggle not to interpret things through that old lens. I’d keep it very brief — “I managed Jane at an old job and unfortunately the fit wasn’t right and we ended up parting ways. I’m very willing to start fresh with her and I’m hopeful the role she’s in could be a great a match, but I figured you’d want to be aware of the prior work relationship.” Also, if it’s been a while since you worked together, stress that too.

– 2021

3. I overheard my boyfriend pretending to be a doctor

I’ve recently moved in with my boyfriend (one week prior to our city’s stay home order) and so we hear a lot of each other working these days. He’s in marketing for hospice care and talks to a lot of families and patients to get them onto his company’s service. Yesterday I overheard a call with a family where he called himself a doctor. He’s not a doctor in any way, shape, or form. I asked him about it after the call and he said that the wife (the patient) hates the idea of hospice care and the son referred to him as a doctor on earlier discussions so she thought it was just the doctor recommending home care.

Am I wrong to have some serious ethical issues with that? I understand how hard end of life is, but pretending to be an MD seems a step too far. I told my boyfriend that I didn’t think that was appropriate, but he brushed it off. I don’t want to let harp on it, but it just doesn’t feel right to me.

Whoa. Deliberately misleading a patient into believing you’re a doctor so they take your recommendations more seriously is fraudulent. In many (all?) states it’s illegal. And doing it to sell his company’s services to someone? That’s incredibly unethical and just … really wrong. And it’s such an attack on the dignity and agency of the woman he deceived.

You are right to have serious ethical issues with this.

– 2021

4. Should I try to take my old coworker’s job?

I quit my job last February. A coworker was promoted to my position. She was totally unprepared and unqualified, and I have been secretly helping her ever since. She contacts me almost daily with questions and crises.

Now I desperately need a job, and wonder if I should try to get my old job back. The boss is happy with Shanna, but has no clue that I am still “training” her. I have all the emails to prove it, but that would sabotage Shanna’s career. What should I do?

Trying to take someone’s job from them would be a real dick move! Don’t do it.

You can certainly stop helping Shanna — explain to her that you no longer have the time to keep helping and at this point she should be able to do the job on her own — but you can’t secretly try to sabotage her.

At most, you could say something to your old boss like, “Shanna is still contacting me for help on a lot of things and I’m looking for work, which made me wonder if there might be space for a role for me to help with some of my old projects, or even something else.” You’d be proposing coming back, but not taking Shanna’s job to do it.

– 2020

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