I didn’t show up for an interview I didn’t know about, coworker showed up at my house when I wasn’t there, and more

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. Employer is angry that I didn’t show up for an interview I didn’t know about

There is a job I really want. I applied and didn’t hear back for a while. After a few months, they emailed me stating that my interview would be on X date with no time nor location. They had scheduled it for the next day and it was already evening. I wasn’t in town and wouldn’t be back until the next week. I sent an email in reply, letting them know and that I would be happy to reschedule.

Fast forward to today, which is five days later. Last night they sent me an email with today’s date, time, and a location for the interview. I am still away and hadn’t checked my email. I only saw it because I woke up this morning with several angry phone calls and emails asking where I was and why hadn’t I shown up yet. My morning is their afternoon, which is when they had the interview set up. I had no idea they had an interview set up! At first I thought the voicemails were for someone else because they didn’t mention my name but the emails do. I have no idea how to respond. Help!

It’s bizarre to simply assign the time and date for an interview via an email the night before. Some employers do just assign interview times (which is problematic for obvious reasons — people have lives and other commitments), but it’s absurd to do that the night before the assigned date. Plenty of people wouldn’t even see the message in time (as happened to you), and many/most others would already have commitments for the following day (for example, their current jobs that it’s too late to get time off from).

I would rethink your assessment that this is a job you really want. This is an organization that acts without regard for people’s time — and does so in a particularly irrational way. It’s annoying enough to deal with that as a candidate; think about what it would be like to deal with as an employee.

But if you really want to pursue the job, you could say, “I typically need a few days notice for an interview because of my work and travel schedule. I’m currently out of town, but will be back on (date). I would love to set up an interview for any time after that, as long as I have a few days notice and time to make sure the time works on both ends.” If they find that very reasonable statement to be overly demanding, please please pay attention to what you’re learning about how they operate.

– 2019

2. My coworker showed up at my house when I wasn’t there and served my housemates bad food

I’ve been working for my company for two years, alongside my coworker “Laurie.” Laurie’s a bit of an odd bird, but we’ll save the encyclopedia of her antics for another day. When I first started, I was broke and didn’t have a car, so Laurie gained my trust and friendship by sharing some of her lunch and driving me home every day until I was back on my feet. Fast forward to about a month ago, and I’m now working in a different department but we still talk.

I went out of town for my birthday, and as I’m eating brunch with my friends, I received a text from my roommates. Laurie is at my apartment, unannounced, feeding my roommates Chinese food that she was “trying to hide from her husband” (it gave my roommates food poisoning) and leaving out gifts for me that were toxic to my cats. She never contacted me saying she was going to do this, and according to my roommates she just invited herself in, which they were very uncomfortable with. I’m mortified. I never invite people over to my place without making sure it’s okay with my housemates first, and the fact she thought her actions were okay in any way has me questioning my friendship with her. I’ve known for a while that she thinks that we’re closer friends than I’m comfortable with, but this crossed a major line. Is this something I can bring up to my boss? And how do I go about it?

Nope, but it’s something you can bring up to Laurie. If you raised it with your boss, her first question would be whether you’d addressed it with Laurie directly — and it would look odd (and frankly bad) if it turned out you were complaining to her without first attempting to resolve it directly.

Talk to Laurie! Tell her you’re a stickler for making plans in advance and not having guests drop by uninvited and ask that she not do that again. There’s also advice here about creating more social distance with a coworker. (But keep in mind that it’s not unreasonable that Laurie considers you a friend, after sharing her food with you and driving you home every day! Barging into your house without permission and when you weren’t there is decidedly strange and something you can set clear boundaries around, but her overall belief that you’re friends doesn’t sound unfounded.)

– 2020

Read an update to this letter here.

3. My coworker pounds on the door while I’m in the bathroom

My coworker, Jane, and I have jobs that are very interdependent. She is more or less a salesperson, and sees clients first to sell them things. Then the clients come over to me, and I do paperwork and such with them.

I have, for lack of a better term, bathroom problems. I have never been diagnosed with anything, but when I have to go, I have to go. Right then. And it usually takes me a while. I can be in the bathroom for up to 30 minutes sometimes. Needless to say, I find this issue to be kind of embarrassing.

If I happen to be in the bathroom when Jane is finishing up with a client who needs to see me, she has this habit of coming into the bathroom and pounding on the door. I’ll say “occupied” or something like that (because I don’t know for sure who it is) and then she’ll then announce to me that I have a client waiting whenever I’m done, and sometimes she’ll ask me how long I think I will be.

I do not like to be talked to while I’m trying to use the bathroom, especially about work. Nor do I like being asked how long I think I will be. It really upsets me, probably because I am embarrassed about my problem. A few times, I have chosen to just not respond to the pounding on the door, and she just continues to pound until I say something. Am I crazy? Do I need to just get over it? Or is she as out of line as I think she is?

No, you’re not crazy, and you don’t need to get over it — Jane is being really rude! And ineffective — I can’t imagine how she thinks you’re suddenly going to finish up more quickly just because she’s pounding on the door.

You should say this to her: “Please don’t knock on the door to tell me I have a client when I’m in the bathroom. I can’t speed things up in there — I’ll be out when I’m able to be out, and it’s weird to have someone pounding on the door and asking me for a time estimate. I don’t want to talk while I’m in the bathroom. Instead, please tell the client I’m not available yet but will be with them as soon as I can.”

In fairness to Jane, it’s true that 30-minute bathroom visits are long, and so if that’s regularly delaying clients, the two of you should decide how to best handle that — is there another piece of the process that can happen while you’re indisposed, is there better messaging to use with them, etc.? But the solution shouldn’t be that she just bangs on the door and demands answers from you while you’re on the toilet.

– 2019

4. I’m being kept in the dark during my notice period

After two years at my current company, I decided to leave. I found a great opportunity and am now in the position of having told my team — who I admire very much — and getting through another three weeks before I move on. I gave my employer and close colleagues six weeks’ notice. I’ve done my best to say my goodbyes in person or through thoughtful email. I’ve created written documentation of what is going on, what I oversee, processes, important contact information, etc.

But now, in attempting to organize and strategize with the leadership team around my exit and how to help support my team, there are conversations going on without me and leaving me completely in the dark. This is a pattern and a large part of the reason that I am leaving to begin with, but what am I supposed to do? I have no knowledge or information for my team, yet they are being pulled into transition conversations. Should I just sit silently and not manage anymore? Do I leave early? Do I just tolerate it for that time? I feel so angry and am afraid of letting my emotions get in the way of a professional and graceful exit. It feels like a total assault on transparent communication and I’m afraid of bringing down my already frustrated and wondering-about-the-future team. Do you have any advice?

This isn’t that uncommon when someone is leaving — the work often starts moving on without you, before you’re actually gone. That’s okay! It’s not personal, and it’s actually useful for them to start moving on while you’re still there, because if they do run into things they need to ask you, you’ll still be there to ask.

That said, it’s a little trickier because you’re a manager and you of course want to be able to fill in your team on what’s going on. If you haven’t already, try saying to your own manager, “My staff are asking questions about what to expect in the transition and I don’t have answers. Can you give me any info I can share with them, or if there isn’t a solid plan yet, can you give me a sense of when they’ll likely hear something?”

If that doesn’t produce much of use, then be straightforward with your team (without being grumpy about it): “I haven’t gotten a solid sense of the plans yet, but once I hear something I’ll fill you in. If that doesn’t happen before I leave, then Jane is the best person for you to talk to once I’m gone.”

But basically, this is just how it sometimes goes when you’re leaving. Don’t leave early over it or get angry over it— look at it as if you’re being paid to still be available if they need you (which they may not).

– 2018

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