daughter’s manager complained to me about her work, boss jokes about me having work “suitors,” and more

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My daughter’s managers complained to me about her work

My daughter is 19 but lives at home. She has had a full-time job at a local daycare center ever since graduating high school. I dropped by her place of employment the other day to tell her something. All three managers were in the front office. I smiled and greeted them with, “Hi. How’s it going?” I was shocked when, instead of the standard response, I got a barrage of complaints from all three about my daughter’s work performance. Apparently, she’s been repeatedly written up for neglect of safety issues with the toddlers in her care and lack of proper sanitation of her classroom. They gave details as to the disciplinary action and warnings they’d given her in the past six months, how many times she’d been written up, how they were at their wit’s end with her, and how close she was to being fired.

I glazed over almost immediately. Seriously, how is this my problem? My daughter is an adult. It seemed that by sharing these issues with me, they somehow expect me to punish her for her workplace sins. I let them know in no uncertain terms that my daughter is their problem when she’s at work, and it’s their job to deal with her performance issues in whatever way they see fit, including termination. They were clearly offended at my response.

Isn’t what these managers did illegal? Or at the very least unethical and unprofessional? Doesn’t an employee have some expectation of privacy in the workplace? At the very least to not have the contents of their personnel file shared with those without a need to know? Who tattles to an employee’s mommy regarding said employee’s work performance? Am I missing something?

It’s not illegal; in the U.S., there’s no right to privacy with this kind of work information. But it’s certainly unprofessional and inappropriate, and I’m glad you told them they should be managing their employee rather than complaining to her mom. (And really, if they’re that frustrated with her, they have a variety of tools available to deal with that, including letting her go.)

It sounds like they were hoping you’d add to their pressure on her — maybe talk some sense into her or otherwise use your influence to get her to improve her performance. But she’s an adult and that’s not an appropriate thing for them to ask an employee’s parent. (Frankly, even if she weren’t an adult, it would still be inappropriate. They need to manage her.)

– 2020

2. My boss jokes about me having work “suitors”

I work in a clubhouse for a community with a high volume of lonely old people. I have always been a conversationalist, and I don’t mind lending an ear when people want to talk, since it’s part of my job. I have a handful of people who I really click with, who I talk to for about an hour whenever they come in. We talk about things like music, fine foods, history, and their youth. It’s incredibly nice and I love that I get to do this professionally.

My boss jokes constantly about my “boyfriends.” It never really bothered me, and I chuckled along, but now when she introduces me to other employees or volunteers, she always brings it up and makes it sound inappropriate.

Many of the people in my “fan club,” as it’s affectionately called by my boss, are older men who are retired and usually single. I have a couple older women as well who I chat with. I don’t wear anything revealing at work and our conversations never go anywhere innappropriate. I never see them outside of work and they have never done anything out of line in any way.

My boss knows my SO, and tells them about how I’m cheating with my “boyfriends.” They laugh it off because I’ve explained and talked about them before, but it still seems odd. I felt weirdly guilty when she was telling a new person at work about my many “suitors.”

I work in hospitality, so I’m always charming, attentive, and polite. I’ve had residents make sexual comments about my figure in the past, and I quickly told them that that is not appropriate and told my boss immediately. She said that I did the right thing by telling them that it was not correct. I feel like I’m getting mixed messages. I don’t know how to address this with my boss without making things awkward with her.

The next time she does it when it’s just the two of you, say this: “Jane, can I ask you not to joke about me having ‘boyfriends’ or ’suitors’ here? I know you’re kidding, but it makes me uncomfortable.”

If she’s a good person, she’ll hear this and stop. But if she continues, it’s okay to be firmer about it: “I was really serious when I asked you not to do that. It feels really uncomfortable to be talked about that way.” You could add, “You were so supportive in the past when I had harassment issues, and so I know you will be sensitive about this now that you realize how much it bothers me.” (Often framing things that way will make people want to live up to what you tell them you “know” about them.)

I hear you on not wanting to make things awkward with your boss (even though she is the one making things awkward!) but you should be able to say this and then briskly return to whatever else you talk about. With awkwardness around this kind of thing, most people, even managers, will take their cues from you and if you demonstrate that you’ve moved on, chances are high she will too.

And for what it’s worth, in addition to this being unwelcome on your side, I’ve never understood why this sort of comment isn’t also seen as diminishing to the older people it references, since the subtext seems to be that age desexualizes people and it feels like a weird patronizing head pat in their direction.

– 2020

Read an update to this letter here.

3. Employer asked me for my SAT scores when I applied for a director-level role

This week I applied for a director-level role and the application asked me for my SAT scores. It has been about 15 years since I took them and I know the scoring has changed since then, but I gave a good estimate of what I remembered my scores being. I applied because it seemed like a very interesting role, but then they came back and asked me to fill out a questionnaire in which I was asked to fill out the SAT score field again, as if I didn’t tell them what my score was on the application just 24 hours ago.

Is it normal to ask for my SAT scores, especially if it’s for a director role? It seems like an easy way discriminate based on age, particularly since they also ask you to indicate whether your score is out of 2400 or 1600 (when I took the test, the highest score was a 1600). Also, I’m not exactly sure what my SAT score has to do with my qualifications for the job as it pertains to knowledge and skill.

Am I right to raise an eyebrow at this? Or is it common? An informal poll of my network found that most people I know have never been asked for this, and this is the first time I have been asked.

No, it’s not normal. It’s actually quite weird.

It’s one thing to use something like GPA when candidates are right out of school and don’t have much of a work history to point to; in that case, it’s an attempt to get some data on candidates who don’t have much of a track record otherwise. But even that stops being useful once people advance in their careers and you can look at their actual work accomplishments.

SAT scores at a director-level role? No. Weird, not normal, and indicative of some very strange thinking going on there.

– 2017

4. I was hurt when the person I’m covering for maternity leave attended our Christmas lunch

I’m filling a maternity leave role with the agreement in place that I will be hired full-time. Over the holiday season, our unit had a Christmas lunch and when we showed up at the venue, the person I’m replacing (who is still on her maternity leave) was there waiting to join us for lunch. I think it’s quite nice of my employer to include her, but I felt a little taken aback as I was not expecting her to be there. I have never worked at a company where they invited people who were on leave for any reason to events like this. Maybe that’s because this is the first office that I’ve worked in where within a month of starting I haven’t felt “accepted” within my unit’s circle. I’ve had very positive feedback from my manager on my work performance, but I feel very lonely at work. Perhaps this is why it felt insensitive to me, as I don’t feel accepted, yet any time “Betty” shows up it’s a big deal.

Again, I think it was nice but I can’t help feel this was a little insensitive towards me. I would be interested to read your reply.

It’s not unusual to invite former employees or employees who are on leave to office social events; it’s actually a really nice gesture! I’m sure that no one meant it to make you uncomfortable; after all, she isn’t your competition or someone who got you fired or anything like that. People might have even thought you’d enjoy the opportunity to talk.

I think the bigger issue is that you’re feeling lonely at work — but I wouldn’t take offense at their invitation to someone who’s still officially part of their team or see it as a reflection on you in any way.

– 2015

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