HR told me to carry a non-viable pregnancy to term

A reader writes:

I’m currently 12 weeks pregnant with my first baby, and my husband and I received some devastating news that the pregnancy may not be viable. We will get testing to confirm either way, but if it’s definitely not viable we would make the very difficult and heartbreaking decision to terminate this very wanted baby. We won’t find out until 17-18 weeks, which will make it physically and emotionally quite difficult and necessitate some time off.

This week I reached out to the head of employee entitlements in HR and asked about leave options in the event I have to terminate a non-viable pregnancy. Pregnancy loss leave and stillbirth leave are fortunately available to me, but one is only a couple of days and the other is a couple of months so I wanted to get correct info to help me plan for the worst.

The lady (let’s call her Mary) said it was hard for her to give impartial advice as I was “butting up against her values.” I asked her to clarify and she said her advice would always be to carry the pregnancy to term. I reiterated that this would be in the event of a non-viable pregnancy (although in my opinion my reasons are none of her business), and Mary said sometimes doctors don’t know what they’re talking about, and she has friends who delivered healthy babies after doctors said they weren’t viable. Mary confirmed that I would get plenty of additional leave to recover if I carried the baby to term and that if didn’t I could use my own accrued sick and vacation leave if I wanted to recover. Mary said following the pregnancy to the end would always be her recommendation.

I don’t like giving HR a bad name, as I’m in HR and in my team we really care and try our best to help, but this is so unbelievably unacceptable to me that I don’t know how to proceed. I’ve told her boss (my grandboss, wonderful and on my side about this) and there is likely to be a bit of fallout there, but:

1. My team works closely with her team. How on earth can I work with her going forward as I try to navigate this difficult pregnancy?
2. What do I say if she keeps trying to convince me to carry the baby even if they’re not viable?
3. Is this a big deal or am I just upset right now? How far should I demand this be taken, noting we still have to work together?

I’m stunned because I wouldn’t give that advice to my worst enemy. And I was only asking about leave entitlements, not seeking her input into this very personal matter.

I’m so sorry, this is awful! The last thing you need when you’re dealing with devastating personal news like this is someone inserting their opinion without invitation and trying to influence you about something that’s (a) deeply personal and (b) unquestionably none of their business.

That would be true of any colleague, but Mary’s remarks are particularly egregious because she’s in HR, where part of her job is to handle personal situations with respect, good judgment, and discretion. She’s done the opposite of that.

So first, I’m very glad you told her boss — because not only was was Mary’s unsolicited advice outrageously inappropriate, but her decision to share it was squarely at odds with what should be expected of her in her role. Moreover, her declaration that she wouldn’t be able to give you impartial advice about your benefits because of her own values … is basically a declaration that she’s not willing to do an essential part of her job, and her boss is really going to need to explore exactly what that means going forward.

So yes, this is a big deal, and you are right to be shocked and upset by it.

As for what to say if she starts in again: it’s worth preemptively taking steps to ensure that doesn’t happen. Go back to Marty’s boss and say you appreciate her handling the situation, and you’d also like her help in ensuring Mary never raises this topic with you again — and better yet, if there’s someone else who can handle your benefits usage from here, you’d like them to be your contact so that you don’t ever need to discuss this with Mary again. That’s a reasonable request, and she would be foolish not to jump at the opportunity to set that up for you. But if Mary ever does raise it with you again, you should (a) icily and immediately shut it down with “I’m not looking for opinions about my private medical choices” and (b) report it to her boss again immediately.

As for working with her going forward (on things other than your use of benefits surrounding this situation because, again, you should be offered a non-Mary path for that): you are entitled to minimize interaction with her as much as you can, and to stick solely to topics necessitated by your work. Frankly, Mary should be the one who has to worry about repairing the relationship, not you, and that’s a point her boss should make to her as well.

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