the company president took my chair and I’m sick of being disrespected

I’m off for the holiday, so here’s an older post from the archives. This was originally published in 2014.

A reader writes:

I started the position I’m in just 2 months ago as an account executive. Before this position, I was an admin assistant and volunteer coordinator elsewhere. I am also 23, I’ve been working since I was 14 and been in office roles since the age of 19 – meaning I’ve been working long enough to pick up on office politics, and to avoid dramas.

Quick background of my current workplace: 12 full-time employees. Most employees have worked there for over 2 years. Some 6 years. Pretty much everyone is close but nice, and I’m the newest and the youngest. I’m sure the next youngest person is 30.

Yesterday afternoon, I ran out to get a quick snack only to return to see the president of my company in my seat talking to my coworker/ supervisor. Okay, that’s fine – her back is to me so she didn’t realize I was back so I spoke up said “hello,” and since she didn’t budge, I grabbed my water bottle and went to the cooler to fill it up. I returned – placed it on my desk with a thud and home girl is still there! Okay… I decided to sit on a couch nearby. I sat there for 15 minutes, really beginning to fume. I pulled out my phone and ended up browsing, texting some friends – from the corner of my eye I counted amount of times she turned around to look at me. 3! At that 15-minute mark I got up, excused myself and reached behind her to unplug my laptop, then returned to the couch. Of course I was too pissed to really do any work – I pretended to. She got up 5 minutes later. No apology.

I know for a fact she wouldn’t do that to anyone else. Even at my previous job as an admin assistant, my department supervisor was just the nastiest towards me, I was always overworked – I came in on weekends and very often stayed hours after work. In fact my position was terminated mainly because I didn’t reply to an email she sent me after hours until 10 a.m. the next morning.

It’s all catty and unfair and it’s a shame because all of my past and current coworkers respect me enough and see that I am capable of delivering. It just seems like the C-levels are the ones not seeing that. It happens to a lot of my friends, and I just hate to see talent like me be disrespected because (a) we look/are young, and (b) we’re the newest or different a demographic. I refuse to tolerate things like this because that’s how patterns form.

How can I command respect from people like this? I’m not trying to be best of buds, but I would appreciate being acknowledged.

Note: This small company doesn’t really have an HR, but had I known better and have been less naïve at my previous job I would have went months before.

Whoa.

Going just on what you’ve written here, which is all I have to go on, this a wildly out of proportion reaction.

Your company president sat at your desk for 15 minutes. While you fumed. While you got too angry to be able to work.

She sat at your desk for 15 minutes.

This is … not a big deal.

Yes, it would have been more thoughtful for her to vacate your chair when you showed up. Yes, it’s annoying to be displaced for 15 minutes.

But you know what? She’s the company president. It’s her call. It’s not the most polite call, but it’s just really not that big of a deal. She didn’t lock you out of a meeting or ask you to clean a toilet or insult your mom. She took your chair for 15 minutes.

Now, should she have gotten up? Sure. But it’s hardly the slap in the face that you’re making it out to be. And your reaction here is so out of sync with what’s warranted that it’s actually a far bigger problem than the relatively small offense that she committed.

I’ve had bosses borrow my chair, make me wait outside their office when they were late for meetings, keep me hanging on the phone while they ordered lunch, and signal that my time was less important than theirs in all sorts of ways. Because my time was less important than theirs. I didn’t take that personally. I did, at times, think to myself, “You really shouldn’t be paying me to wait here like this.” But it wasn’t personal, and I didn’t take it as a reflection on anything other than the prerogatives of their place in their hierarchy. If I’d taken it personally … well, I can’t even imagine the effect that would have had on my career.

“Refusing to tolerate things like this” isn’t going to earn you respect. It’s going to earn you disrespect, because people will interpret that kind of reaction as being wildly out of touch. You’ll lose credibility too, and it won’t be there during the times when you really do need to be able to say “no, this isn’t okay.”

Do good work, stand up for yourself when it matters, and let the little stuff go.

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