am I wrong to be put off that my former employee didn’t tell me she was listing me as a reference?

A reader writes:

Twice in the past year, I’ve been asked to provide a reference for a former report, “Enid.” I hired Enid in mid-2019 and she reported to me until mid-2021 when my role changed. I think she left the organization at the end of 2022. She was an incredible employee: shining in the position and tapped on the shoulder for extra projects that highlighted her skills. Absolute pleasure to work with in every way.

In February 2024, Enid asked if I could be a reference for her, and I was happy to oblige. I did so, provided a positive reference, and let her know afterwards. We’ve not had contact since.

Just last month, I received a voicemail saying that Enid has listed me as a reference, and could we arrange a time to talk. Different organization, different position. This one had an added layer of security questions, as well as standard interview questions. As Enid was a great employee, I was happy to oblige, but … she never asked me about this. I’ve had zero contact with her since she asked for the reference in 2024 and I confirmed it had happened. This new reference had a very high security clearance attached to it, and one of the first comments the interviewer made was to please keep this confidential from Enid. I should have asked if it was the content or the entire discussion, but I am erring on the side of caution and not reaching out to her at all. I did not tell them that she had not contacted me about this; they may have been able to read between the lines, however (“I am on medical leave, so I don’t have access to specific dates …” “I haven’t connected with Enid very recently …” “My leave started before Enid left so I don’t know her exact reason for leaving …”).

So, now to my questions.

• Am I wrong to expect a courtesy heads-up before being used as a potential reference for each round of job applications? Enid has shared my personal phone and email, as I am on medical leave — I told her this in February 2024. My medical situation could have worsened in the interim and made it impossible for me to provide a reference now. However, ignoring that, I am still a little put out that I had no warning.

• Just to sound incredibly old, “in my day” we would have sent a quick thank-you after somebody told us “I gave you a positive reference” and I was mildly put out when Enid didn’t do that in February 2024. Do I need to update my etiquette expectations to this century?

• Is it appropriate to reach out to Enid about this? And if so, how should I word it, considering how infrequently this occurs, and that the most recent occurrence was confidential for security reasons? She was an amazing employee and I will always be able to give that reference positively, but to me this gap in alerting me to the possibility of somebody reaching out feels like a misstep she should know about.

It’s happened a few times over the years where I’ve been used as a reference without being asked. It surprises me each time, and I guess I would appreciate some general guidance around if it’s ever appropriate to bring that fact to the attention of the caller. If it matches the working patterns of the individual, I have less qualms mentioning it.

Yes, ideally people would give you a heads-up when they’re offering you as a reference — but there are reference checks that go outside of the list provided by the candidate and contact previous managers whether they were suggested as an “official” reference or not. That’s especially true of jobs with a heavy security clearance component. So first and foremost, Enid may not have had any idea that this job was going to contact you, and you should not penalize her for it. If she was amazing employee, you should give her an amazing reference and be happy to do it, end of story.

It’s also true that people do sometimes offer references without alerting the reference that it’s coming … and honestly, that’s not something to hold against them either! It’s in the candidate’s best interests to alert you — so they know you’re available, and so you have time to organize and refresh your thoughts and don’t sound confused or taken off-guard when you get the call — but that doesn’t mean that they’re wronging you if they don’t do it. It is considered a professional nicety to give references a heads-up — but many people job-search so infrequently or don’t go delving deeply into job-search advice that they don’t even realize that’s expected. Or they think that the initial “yes, of course you can put my name down” covers them permanently. The convention that it’s best to alert references on every fresh round of job-searching is just a convention, and it’s not one everyone is aware of. So it’s a really mild faux pas at most, not a significant misstep.

If you prefer that people handle it differently, you can of course tell them that! It’s fine to say, “By the way, I wasn’t expecting the call — I’m always happy to give you a reference, but I can do a better job if you let me know if might be coming so I have time to organize my thoughts.” (You can’t say that in this case because you were asked to keep the reference check confidential — although frankly you may or may not truly be bound by that — but you can say it generally.)

And yes, Enid should have thanked you for the earlier positive reference — it’s smart for her to do that just from a basic relationship maintenance perspective — but I don’t think that’s a huge misstep either. It’s a social/business nicety that she skipped — but ultimately, she was an excellent employee and part of your job as the manager of an excellent employee is to continue to attest to that even if she forgets to thank you.

I think something that’s muddling your thinking here is that you’re conflating “things that are smart for a candidate to do” with “things that a candidate must do.” It’s smart for Enid to check in with you before listing you as a reference, and it’s smart for her to thank you when you tell her you gave her a glowing reference (because relationship maintenance with people who give her glowing references is beneficial to her) … but her not doing those things just means she’s skipping some relatively minor stuff that would be in her best interests, not that she’s slighting you in any way.

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