did everyone know the real reason I was at an office party with a married couple?

[ResidentialBusiness]

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

This letter involves a very sensitive topic and some backstory, so bear with me.

Would you consider it weird if a coworker brought along an unrelated college-aged girl to a work party where you could invite family?

I ask because I was​ that college girl. When I was 19, I was a sexually frustrated lesbian with then-undiagnosed autism. Despite being at an LGBT-friendly university, I had no sex life and didn’t know how to approach women without coming across as some sort of creep. Every LGBT-related extracurricular I was in was centered on networking, political activism, or community, so I never felt comfortable broaching any romantic or sexual topics with fellow queer women, and I was also scared of accidentally hitting on straight women. HER and Lex didn’t exist then, and I was too scared to attach my face to an app like Tinder.

So I would make anonymous posts on YikYak and Whisper asking if there were any other lesbians in the area. I met a couple in their thirties who wanted a third, and I said yes because it was my only opportunity for gay sex even if a guy was there. (To be clear, the encounter itself was entirely consensual and, to quote Anatoly Dyatlov, “not great, not terrible.”)

However, before the actual encounter, the couple had invited me to their office party (they both worked there). The couple said that it was normal since “family and friends” were invited, and they had introduced me as their “cousin” to their coworkers. Of course, I didn’t tell people the real reason I was there, but I was honest about my university, my degree, etc. I was friendly with anyone who talked to me and didn’t think anything of it.

I’m now 28. I have established myself into my budding white-collar career. I recently remembered my previous escapade — upon which, it jarringly dawned onto me that all of the couple’s coworkers likely clocked me as their unicorn with me none the wiser. After attending quite a few office parties of my own where family was invited, it clicked in my mind how weird and noticeable it might be if a coworker brought an unrelated college student under the nebulous label of “cousin.” Who brings their cousin to an office party, anyway?

Thankfully, materially speaking, it doesn’t matter now. I work in a different industry than the couple. I moved to a different state after graduation. I currently live and work 1,800 miles from where we lived. We weren’t in regular contact after the encounter. I don’t remember their names and, heck, they likely don’t remember me at all! This satisfies my rational mind, but emotionally, I cannot shake off the likelihood that all of the couple’s coworkers knew the real reason I was there. With this in mind, I have no idea why the couple would’ve invited me along, because wouldn’t this have also reflected poorly on them from a professional standpoint?

It makes me feel weirdly vulnerable, gross, and exposed almost 10 years after the fact. I simultaneously feel stupid for ever agreeing to it but also frustrated because nobody taught me how to navigate the college social environment without accidentally acting gross or hiding my emotions entirely. Are my fears unfounded?

Yes.

The real question is: what married couple invites their hook-up to an office party ahead of a single casual sexual encounter?

That’s not a thing people do, largely because office parties are not exactly hotbeds of sexual arousal. To the contrary, going to someone else’s office party is normally the opposite of exciting foreplay; they tend to be incredibly dull for anyone who doesn’t work there (and often for those who do).

It is very, very odd that they thought they should bring you! But it’s odd on their side, not on yours. You just rolled with it; good for you. You were also not yet of an age where you knew anything about office parties and what would or wouldn’t be appropriate. But they were!

In any case, I am absolutely sure that their coworkers at the party didn’t suspect you were their unicorn! Bringing a cousin (who might have been staying with them) makes a ton more sense. It is highly, highly unlikely that any of their coworkers went home thinking, “I bet that wasn’t really a cousin and was actually a hook-up!” Because again, office parties ≠ hot romance. It’s just not where the mind would go.

I am sorry you are feeling vulnerable and exposed looking back on this! I hope it helps to hear that almost certainly none of their coworkers thought you were anything other than a bored cousin who had been dragged to someone else’s work function.

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