my office bully told her class we’re in a relationship

A reader writes:

I have the oddest situation. I have given my notice at a healthcare nonprofit (let’s call it the Wellness Alliance). I’ve been a part of Wellness since the very early days. One of the people I mentored, Katy, went into leadership, became the lead social worker, and turned people against me when our last CEO left. I recently gave notice because Katy got the leadership team to bully a young staff member out of Wellness after they asked for my help on a case, even though Katy had ignored their request, and that was the final straw for me.

Katy had a sessional gig at our local college, and I recently met one of her students, Fergus. Fergus was looking for an unpaid internship placement required for school and wanted to know if I could serve as his supervisor and secure a placement at Wellness (placement supervision is Katy’s job).

I laughed and told him I was leaving Wellness and, besides, Katy would never allow it. Fergus was surprised and said, “But isn’t Katy your girlfriend?” And I sputtered, “Oh no, Katy hates me.” Apparently, in the class Katy taught, every non-white student wrote in to complain about how she was racist in the social work class and targeted non-white students specifically. I explained that I wasn’t surprised given what I saw at Wellness. (Katy is every bad trope of the Liberal White Woman, and I am a white woman.)

But I asked Fergus why they thought Katy and I were romantically involved. And it’s because Katy told her class, “I’m a lesbian and met my partner Jen at my organization,” and I’m the only Jen here. Fergus was very relieved to know I wasn’t dating Katy, and said he had been reluctant to even ask for my help for the last couple of months because I was Katy’s girlfriend. I cannot have young people in our profession hesitant to reach out to me.

The only reason I can think of is that she’s aligning herself with me to increase her credibility. I am highly respected in our community, and I’ve received awards and accolades. And Katy has definitely pushed to take over my jobs.

I don’t think Wellness cares about any of this because of all of my attempts to fix issues caused by Katy have been ignored. However, it’s quite shocking to hear that her racism is much worse than I thought and is turning off potential hires (especially ones who would bring much needed diversity to the organization). And allowing people to infer an intimacy that only benefits her and possibly alienates people from getting my support is deeply upsetting.

What should I do? I want Katy to stop saying we’re dating, but we haven’t spoken in months, and that is such a weird accusation to level at someone who has everyone’s ear. Also, it’s very sad that Wellness is alienating the broader community, and this time it isn’t just me seeing the problem. I’ve been considering asking to do an exit interview with the board because of the way racism impacts our work, but what could they even do about the weird relationship allegation thing?

This is extremely strange, but I’m not sure it’s really actionable or that you need to find a way to address it.

First, though, is it possible that Katy does have a partner named Jen and met her at a different organization? “I met my partner at my organization” could mean “I met my partner at the organization I was working at three years ago, before I started my current job” or “I met my partner at the volunteer organization I run in my spare time.” Both of those seem more likely than Katy lying and saying she’s involved with a specific person who she’s actually worked to turn others against! It’s possible that if you discreetly asked around, you might find that Katy does have a partner named Jen, at which point I’d assume the rest of this theory explains what happened.

Obviously, though, if Katy is telling people you’re her partner, that’s incredibly bizarre. There are really only three things you could do about it, though:

1. Do you have the kind of relationship with Katy where you could just ask her if she’s dating someone named Jen and explain there’s a case of mistaken identity, and see what she says? I realize you might not, but you did used to mentor her and if there aren’t open hostilities, you could probably just mention it the same way you would if you thought it was a genuine miscommunication.

2. Do you have the kind of rapport with Fergus where you could tell him you’re concerned that he was reluctant to contact you because he thought you were Katy’s girlfriend and that you worry others in the class might feel the same, and ask that he correct the record with classmates he talks to, at least if it comes up organically?

3. Alternately, you could do … nothing. Yes, this is weird and unsettling to hear, and you don’t want to be affiliated with a racist jerk (ever, and especially when that affiliation may turn people off from approaching you). But this just might not be something you have the ability to widely correct, short of taking out “I’m not dating Katy Mulberry” ads in industry publications.

My vote is for #3 (minus the ads), and maybe #1 if you’re up for it, while making a point of being warm and approachable to people in your field and demonstrating through your behavior that you aren’t like Katy.

Separately, you could ask for an exit interview with the board, but if you do that, stay focused on the racism concerns; the board isn’t the right forum to raise the strange relationship thing.

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