“participation noises” in meetings, someone is leaving religious notes in the bathroom, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. The etiquette of “participation noises” in meetings

I was very recently diagnosed as neurodivergent, and exploring my actions through that lens has thrown up some questions for me about whether I am missing a few cues. I work for a grant-making foundation as the grants and funding manager,, and my role partially involves traveling around our state visiting our grant applicants and grantee partners. My state is very rural and very low in the national education rankings, and most of these meetings aren’t exactly adhering to corporate norms. One of the things that often happens is what I could term “audience participation,” where the other people present often make noises of agreement, support, surprise, anger, etc., as the speaker talks. This is very common, and I think it arises out of the church/religious culture that is very prevalent in those communities.

I’m a bit of a conversational magpie, so I quickly picked up the same mannerisms in the grantee meetings I attend, and they definitely help me build stronger relationships with our partners. But I’m noticing now I also do it in the office with my colleagues and in Zoom calls with national partners. I’m a fairly chirpy person, and I like making other participants feel respected, seen, and included. I often feel that these verbal cues signal engagement in the conversation, and I do have a hard time if I am talking and I’m getting only silence back. However, with my recent diagnosis, I wonder if I’m not picking up on social cues from the different environments. My colleagues don’t do this; they just sit in silence watching the person speaking. Should I be more conscious of my verbal acknowledgements in corporate meetings and conversations?

Oh, this is such an interesting question, and I think it ultimately comes down to the culture where it’s happening (or not happening). In any meeting, I think a little of it is fine and can be welcome for all the reasons you say — it can signal engagement in the conversation and help people feel like they’re not talking to a sea of blank faces. But in a meeting where no one else is doing it, if you’re doing it a lot it can distract people and come across as out of sync. (That’s especially true on video calls if it means the screen will flash to you every time you do it.)

On the other hand, who knows — maybe a bunch of your colleagues appreciate this about you. But since you’re asking, I’d calibrate it closer to the level of what other people in that particular meeting are doing.

2. Someone is leaving religious notes in the bathroom

I work in a corporate office with multi-stall restrooms on each floor. Over time, it’s become a norm for employees to place small items like hand lotion or soap in the bathrooms. I have worked on several floors and recently moved to a new to me floor.

On this floor, someone has begun placing these items in the restroom with handwritten notes on the bottles warning that the item is to not be removed (perfectly okay) but it includes religious language with an aggressive and admonishing tone. We are a conservative industry but not religiously affiliated. (I am not going to quote the phrase as it’d give me away.)

This restroom is also used by clients and visitors when they’re on-site, which adds to my discomfort. I do not object to the presence of communal items or a warning that items should remain in the bathroom. I object to the religious and scolding tone of the warning. It makes me personally uncomfortable and could see where a client on vendor may take offense and risk our company’s reputation.

I am not in HR or facilitates and I do not know who has placed these items. How would you recommend I address this?

Personally, I’d throw them out. If you don’t want your stuff thrown out, don’t label them with religious threats. Simple solution, done.

But if you don’t want to do that, it’s entirely reasonable to give HR and/or facilitates a heads-up about the issue and say employees shouldn’t be exposed to religious proselytizing while they’re washing their hands.

3. Should I ask my coworker if he’s secretly assessing my work?

A coworker in the role above me asked to shadow me tomorrow. The reason he gave was that his manager wants him to get more in touch with what I do and that I’m working on a technically interesting project. This seems entirely possible to me, given the roles largely do distinct and separate work, but part of me is wondering if he’s actually just going to be observing my performance in my role.

We don’t have any direct oversight while we work, and my direct manager is in a different office so doesn’t work with me often. My annual review is next week and I’m in-line to move up to the same position as my coworker in a couple months. I don’t think it matters whether he’s observing me or not, I guess I just want transparency.

Should I ask my coworker if he’s assessing my work? We have a friendly relationship, but I don’t want to come off as self-centered or paranoid.

I wouldn’t. It doesn’t really change anything, and it risks creating an awkward situation where there doesn’t need to be one — especially if the reason they gave you is the entirety of it. (But really, if he’s assessing your work because they’re considering promoting you and they want his input, that’s reasonable. And if he’s assessing your work because they have concerns about it and he’s the best equipped to evaluate what’s happening, that’s reasonable too.)

But at the start of the shadowing, you could say something like, “There are lots of pieces to what I do, and some will be less useful to shadow than others. Can you tell me a little about what you’re most interested in seeing and what you’re hoping to come away with, and I’ll focus there?”

4. HR is giving conflicting info about whether you can be rehired after damaging a work vehicle

A few months ago, my young adult daughter took a paid internship with a local government department. She caused minor cosmetic damage to a work vehicle which required automatic termination, per policy. She talked to HR afterwards to understand when she might qualify for rehire and was told there was no policy on that, it was just up to the hiring manager.

Four months later, a permanent position opened up and her manager called HR and confirmed that she was eligible for rehire, so the manager put her hire paperwork through. Surprisingly, HR blocked it and said she is not eligible for rehire.

What’s reasonable to do here? Can she ask HR to confirm what policy applies? Ask when or if she’ll ever be eligible for rehire? She’s frustrated that HR seems to have some secret expectations on rehire and no one, not even the hiring manager, knows what they are.

Why do we care so much? Because in four months she’s put in 100+ applications, most met with automatic email denials and not a single call back, but that’s a separate frustration.

Yeah, if they told her it was up to the hiring manager and then HR blocked it anyway, I can see why you and she are frustrated. It’s possible that the initial info she was given was wrong. It’s also possible that the later block shouldn’t have happened. The person best positioned to find out is the hiring manager since it sounds like they wanted to hire her. Any chance they like your daughter enough that they’d be willing to push a little on this?

Otherwise, she can try calling HR and asking, explaining that she’s been told two different things and is just trying to get clarity. They may or may not give her a satisfying answer, though. The hiring manager is more likely to be able to get real info.

5. How to thank my references after getting a job

I just got a new job, thanks in part to your fantastic advice (the hiring manager told me my cover letter was the best one she received, and I was also able to negotiate a pay bump and additional time off using your scripts)!

I’m now wondering how I can express my gratitude to my wonderful references. I’ve already sent thank-you texts to all three of them, but it doesn’t feel like enough. I considered sending physical thank-you cards, but I don’t know two of their home addresses (though I suppose I could mail the cards to their current employers). A small gift/gift card feels a bit weird, like a payoff. What say you?

How effusive were those thank-you texts? If they were just a single line like “thanks so much for the reference, I got the job!” you can write a more effusive email to each of them now, telling them how much you appreciate their time and support. If the texts already did that, though, then your job is done.

You shouldn’t send anything more than that, because it would imply that they were doing you a special favor and/or will make it feel more transactional than it should. They gave you great references because they think you do great work and they’re happy to connect another employer with you. A thoughtful, personal email letting them know you got the job and how excited you are about it, and maybe something about how much you appreciated working with them is all that’s needed. (But bonus points if you can mention something you learned from them that has helped you in your career.)

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