I’m in trouble for sexist and ageist remarks — but no one will tell me what I said

A reader writes:

I was called in to a last-minute end-of-day meeting yesterday … that ended up being with my boss, his boss, and HR. They told me that I’ve been accused of making sexist and ageist comments at work, and I’m baffled. I’ve been wracking my brain and can’t figure out what they could be referring to, AND THEY REFUSE TO TELL ME. They won’t even give me a hint. They basically said, “Think about what it might have been and don’t do it again or your job is at risk.”

I don’t know whether it was one complaint or many, or even if it’s true at all (there is one person at work I think might be trying to get me fired.) How do I defend and/or protect myself? Or, if it’s true and I said something boneheaded, how do I improve if I don’t know what I did wrong?

I’m a man in my 50s and have never been accused of anything of the sort – it’s not like I’m new to the work world. I feel so demoralized by this, and mortified if I actually did say something that was perceived as “ist.” How should I respond?

If they actually want you to not to do it again, it’s absurd that they’re refusing to tell you what it was. Someone interested in you learning and changing would realize they needed to actually share with you what the issue was. “Think on it and figure it out on your own” is ridiculous feedback. It also means anyone can accuse you of anything at any time, and you can never defend yourself.

I’d say this: “I’m mortified that something that landed that way. I’m committed to treating everyone here with respect, and I would never want someone to feel alienated in the way the types of comments you described can do. But I’m also having trouble acting on this feedback because, after racking my brain to think about whether I might have worded something badly or even just said it in a way that left me open to misinterpretation, I can’t for the life of me figure out what happened. Are you able to share the specific concern with me? If there’s something I’m saying that’s landing differently than I realize, I need to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

You might also say, “If the concern in sharing specifics with me is that I might hold it against that person or make them uncomfortable in some way, I can assure you I’m committed to not doing that. I know the only way people feel safe reporting these concerns is when they don’t need to worry about it causing tension, and I want to respect that.”

That said … “we’re going to threaten your job and refuse to discuss specifics” doesn’t bode well for this place in general.

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