is stubble unprofessional, should I try to keep an employee who’s leaving, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Is stubble unprofessional?

Is having a few days of facial stubble unprofessional? What about showering every other day? How do I know when I’m well-enough groomed?

I’m a cis man who is reasonably adept at social interactions generally but struggles to pick up on unwritten norms/rules (like how often to shave). I got rid of a goatee in college and have generally shaved all my facial hair for every in-person workday since then. I also currently shower every day I go into the office, though I sometimes skip it for WFH days.

I’m considering a change for three reasons: (1) I was reminded of how much of a literally bloody hassle it is when I got to stop shaving for a couple months during parental leave. (2) I’m no longer at a job that has on-site showers for production reasons and safety reasons to shave. (3) I just learned that a lot of men shave every other day rather than daily, and it wasn’t that long ago I heard the argument that daily showers are bad for skin and hair, so I’m beginning to question my previous understanding of grooming rules.

I’d be happy to shave like once or twice a week, as waiting longer between shaves seems to reduce my rate of nicks and irritation. Is it a bad idea to go into the office having showered 2 nights before and shaved 2-4 nights before? My wife knows little about male grooming expectations, so I don’t know who to ask.

Showering: it varies by person. Some people need to shower daily to meet our culture’s expectations around looking and smelling clean enough for work. Some people don’t. Is there a noticeable difference to a bystander between how you look and smell when you showered in the last 24 hours versus when you didn’t? If not, you are someone who can go longer in between showers. If there is, you are not.

Stubble: as long as it looks like an intentional style choice (and not patchy or unkempt), stubble is fine in many, and probably now most, offices. There are still some conservative fields where it’s frowned up, but they’ve quickly become the exception to the rule. (That said, avoid stubble for an interview, where you’re generally expected to turn up looking more polished.)

2. Should I try to keep an employee who’s leaving because of my predecessor?

I have just joined a small startup as head of engineering. Upon joining, I found out that one of the more experienced engineers has handed in his notice after accepting an offer elsewhere. As this is a team of four, his leaving would be quite impactful.

The reason he gave for leaving is that he wants to be promoted to senior engineer but his old boss wouldn’t do that. In private, he has told me that the previous head was not respecting him and would say things like, “I don’t need to listen to your opinions, you’re not a backend engineer.”

Less than two weeks after I’ve arrived, said employee has come to me and said that he feels my management style is so vastly different from the previous manager’s that he wants to stay; I have given him autonomy and trust which I believe he was previously lacking.

So far, I have said to him that if he proved to me over the next month or two (during his notice period) that he could show the maturity and drive expected of a senior engineer, and show a significant improvement in his soft skills, we could have a conversation about him staying. My concern is that I am encouraging him to leave it quite late to possibly renegue on his accepted offer, and that he may end up leaving the company anyway if I don’t immediately promote him.

Should I keep him on this path, giving him the option that we revisit his notice? Or am I lining myself up for trouble down the line? Is there anything else I can or should do?

This is tough because you just joined the team and are still getting the lay of the land.

Normally I’d say that if someone was leaving for a reason that is now moot, and they’re someone who you were sad to see go, you should absolutely be open to letting them stay (assuming you haven’t already hired their replacement). There’s no reason to just oppose that on principle.

But this is messier, since you don’t necessarily have enough info to know how much you should want to keep him — and it sounds like there are some soft skill issues, at a minimum. I would not be leaping to keep someone with soft skill issues.

I’m also not sure it made sense to tell him that if he was able to do XYZ during his notice period, then you could talk about him staying. That’s leaving it very up in the air when you both need to be able to make solid plans (you so you know whether you need to hire a replacement and transition his projects, and him so he knows whether he’s actually taking that other job or not). Plus, is he really going to be able to demonstrate those things in a month or two? Particularly when you’re still new and learning the team?

In your shoes, I’d be seeking insight from others who work with him to try to make a decision now, rather than a month or two from now.

3. Was I wrong to settle with my company rather than continuing on to court?

In my previous role, I was subject to harassment, discrimination, and retaliation for over half a year prior to being terminated. I knew that I had a strong case, had been collecting evidence throughout, and connected with an attorney right away. In the end, I took a settlement. I decided that it would be better for my mental health to stop reliving those experiences. I also worried that a jury trial might be risky in my libertarian state, not to mention the expensive court fees.

I am proud that I stood up for myself while I worked there and after. But since I opted for the settlement, I have also entered into a confidentiality agreement. So while my former coworkers can probably make educated guesses about what happened, the wider world doesn’t know. New hires and new external partners won’t know what kind of company this is. And the bad actors can continue to skirt the laws.

I wonder what can be done, if anything, to help future victims of this company and their discriminatory practices. Was my choice of a settlement too selfish and short-sighted?

No, settling wasn’t selfish or short-sighted. It’s not your responsibility to make this company change, no matter what the personal cost to you might be; it’s the responsibility of the people running the company.

Moreover, even if you hadn’t signed a confidentiality agreement, your ability to hold them accountable would be limited. Yes, you could tell people in your network about how they operate and leave online reviews. But the impact of those things generally won’t outweigh the impact of making them pay financially — which has at least some potential to motivate them to clean up their act so they don’t get hit with future legal bills too. (That doesn’t mean they will! It just has a shot at it.)

4. How to make a conference travel request at a brand new job

I’m in the final stages interviewing for a role that uses a niche tool, and which I’ve been an active member of this tool’s user community for a few years. In recognition of my contributions to this community (knowledge sharing, answering questions on forums, etc.), the company that owns the tool recently sent me a voucher for free admission to their annual conference. The conference is scheduled for three months after the estimated start date of the role I’m interviewing for, and flight/hotel costs are not covered by the voucher.

I would love to attend the conference if possible, but am unsure how and when to approach the subject with my new employer if I end up with the job. The hiring manager had mentioned that some team members have attended in the previous years and I think it could be a great way to get to know the team if others attend as well this year, but I don’t want to press the issue so new in the role. What do you think?

Once you start the job, say this to your new manager fairly early on: “ToolCompany actually sent me a voucher for free admission to the conference since I’ve been an active member of its user community, but it doesn’t include travel. If NewCompany wants to send me, I’d be happy to go if so and could do ___ there.” (Fill in with things beneficial to NewCompany.)

5. Resigning right before or after a stock vest

I have a stock vest scheduled for February 15. I’ve accepted a new job that starts March 2, and I was originally planning to give notice on February 2, with my last day being February 17. That would allow me to give two weeks’ notice and still have a short break before the new role.

However, I’ve seen multiple colleagues in the past give notice and then be walked out or have their resignation accepted immediately, which would have caused them to forfeit unvested equity. I’ve also seen other teams allow their staff to work through the notice period. My specific team hasn’t had any good data either way, though I think I’m on good teams with my manager and team.

Because of that, I’m now considering resigning only after the vest occurs, possibly even the same day or shortly after.

My concern is that this could make my employer upset or feel blindsided, but I also don’t want to put myself at financial risk by giving notice too early. I’m not trying to be deceptive, just careful.

From a professionalism and workplace norms standpoint, is it reasonable to wait until after the vest to resign, even if that means giving little or no notice?

Yes, it is reasonable to wait until after the stock vest; people do that all the time, for this exact reason, and it’s additionally a good idea because you’ve seen that you might not be allowed to work out your notice period. However, ideally you’d find out if the new employer has any flexibility on your start date so that you can still offer two weeks notice; if you explain that leaving earlier will affect you financially, they might be very willing to give you an extra week or two. (People request this all the time, too. They may or may not be able to agree, but it’s not unreasonable to ask.)

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