my boss thinks our obnoxious coworker is funny, medical tech proselytized to me, and more

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. A medical tech repeatedly proselytized to me

An experience I had recently with a medical provider has me wondering if what I felt to be inappropriate and unprofessional is a behavior worth raising with my doctor, who owns the practice.

I live in area of the south where most people assume that everyone is Christian and believes in God — the kind of place where wishing someone “Happy Holidays” is likely to result in a tonally aggressive reply of “Merry Christmas.” Usually I let religious speak in various businesses just roll off me.

I recently underwent TMS treatment for chronic, major depression. As part of that, I received 36 treatments that required me to go to my psychiatrist’s office every weekday for five-minute sessions with one of the techs. Early in the treatment, the tech would reference God and how he helped her, and I just let it ride and wouldn’t engage. But by the final two weeks, she escalated to asking me about my own beliefs. I eventually told her I’m not religious. She spent the next few sessions telling me that if I would just let God into my life, that would make all the difference. I expressed discomfort with the topic (clearly and directly), but she persisted.

So my question is whether this is worth mentioning to the psychiatrist on my next visit. This is most definitely not a religiously-affiliated practice. Part of me feels terrible about the idea of getting her in trouble. I do believe she meant well. Plus, I have to go to the office every few months and will likely encounter her as she is in the front office when not administering treatments. So that could be awkward. But I’m also highly annoyed that I was repeatedly proselytized to while essentially a captive audience. What do you think? Would you want this behavior reported to you if it were your employee?

Without any doubt whatsoever, I would strongly want to know about it! In fact, I would be horrified if I found out this had been going on and no one had told me. Hopefully your doctor feels the same way.

The tech is representing the medical practice and the doctor; she’s not there to proselytize, and you’re not there to be proselytized to. It would be wildly inappropriate under any circumstances, but the fact that she persisted after you asked her to stop makes it even worse.

Tell your doctor what happened. Say it was frequent and persistent, and she didn’t stop after you asked her to, and say that you don’t come there to be proselytized at.

2. My boss thinks our obnoxious, racist coworker is funny

My workplace has become increasingly toxic due to poor management and enabling of inappropriate behavior. Our manager is a bully who operates by singling out team members while cultivating favorites and gossiping about colleagues. Her current favorite is Ryan, a 25-year-old man in his first professional role who has been with the team for two years. While Ryan is fundamentally a nice person, he lacks professional maturity. The rest of the team consists of women at least twice his age, some of whom actively encourage his behavior because they want to be in his good graces.

Because Ryan is protected by our manager, he faces no consequences for increasingly disruptive behavior:
* Constant crude humor (fart jokes throughout the day)
* Physical pranks (lowering colleagues’ chairs while they’re working)
* Graphic discussions of his sex life
* Showing explicit images to female colleagues
* Making racist and anti-immigrant comments

When I’ve tried to address this, some colleagues tell me I’m being “uptight” and that he “improves the vibe.” Our manager witnesses much of this behavior and either laughs along or gives him minimal warnings. I’m concerned that making a formal complaint will result in workplace retaliation, both from the manager and from colleagues who see Ryan as popular.

How can I professionally address his behavior without isolating myself or becoming a target?

How’s your HR? Ideally you’d report what’s happening to HR (meaning both Ryan and your manager) and specifically say that you’re concerned about retaliation from your manager and coworkers for reporting it, and ask them to take clear steps to ensure that doesn’t happen. Legally, they’re obligated to do that; permitting a manager to retaliate against an employee for making a good-faith report of harassment or discrimination is illegal — and employment lawyers will tell you that retaliation can be a lot easier to prove than harassment or discrimination is. But companies break the law in this area all the time, so you’d want to have some idea of how your company’s HR handles things.

If HR isn’t an option, the other option is to call it out in the moment and not be deterred by coworkers saying you’re too uptight. Sample language:
* “I don’t want to hear about your sex life. Please stop talking about it.”
* “Don’t use language like that around me.”
* “That’s an awful thing to say.”
* “You could hurt someone doing that, and you’re putting the company at legal risk.”
* “If you show me photos like that again, I’ll ask HR to tell you to stop.”
* “This is getting really boring.”

But there’s no way to push back on Ryan that guarantees you won’t become a target yourself, particularly with the sort of manager you described. Can you work on getting out of there?

For what it’s worth, I’m pretty skeptical that Ryan is a nice person.

Related:
how to deal with a racist coworker
is it worth going to HR about a bad manager?

3. When the reference-checker is an employee I fired

At a former job, two employees on my team were Philip and Elizabeth. Elizabeth’s work was okay, but she was a toxic personality and I ended up terminating her employment. (There is of course more to this story but it isn’t relevant to my question.) Philip and Elizabeth were peers and I believe got on fine. Philip was a great employee. He and I have since also both left for other companies.

Philip reached out asking me to be a reference for a new job, and I am very happy to do so. However I just heard from the recruiter with his potential new employer and the person they want to set me up to talk about Philip with is Elizabeth, who now works there. I fired her not quite two years ago, and I absolutely do not want to talk to her. Nor can I imagine she’d want to talk to me. And I don’t want to harm Philip’s chances. He knows I fired Elizabeth but not any specifics.

What do I do? I’m leaning toward telling the recruiter I’m happy to recommend Philip but Elizabeth and I have a negative history. But obviously this employer must like Elizabeth so I’m concerned anything I say will reflect badly on Philip. Tell Philip he should find another reference? Help!

I agree with your instincts! Tell the recruiter that you enthusiastically recommend Philip but that you have a complicated history with Elizabeth, having worked together in the past, and so you wonder if there’s someone else there who you could offer the reference to instead.

If the recruiter says Elizabeth is the only option — well, ideally you’d suck it up and do it … but if you think that’s likely to harm Philip’s chances, then at that point you should lay it out for him and ask how he’d like to handle it. Sample language for that: “I’m happy to give anyone who asks a glowing reference for you but, between the two of us, there’s some tension between Elizabeth and me, and I don’t want that to hurt your chances at this job. Would you like me to go ahead and talk to her, or would you rather give them someone else to speak to?”

4. Does “don’t take a counteroffer” apply when both offers are internal?

I really appreciated the post that gathered all of your advice on counter offers together in one place! I’ve been curious whether your advice changes when the second offer is an internal one?

How do you approach things when you’ve been holding out for and/or been promised a promotion or a new role
that’s taking forever to materialize — but accepting an interview (or getting an offer, keep your fingers crossed for me!) in another department gets your current leader to make the dangled promised position materialize? Do the same principles apply as when it’s two companies vying for you?

A lot of the same principles apply: you still want to ask yourself why it took you being ready to leave for your manager to get it together for you, and whether it’ll be a similar battle to get other things you’ve earned in the future. And the same caveats apply about making sure they’re really going to follow through on their promises, not resume dragging their feet once the immediate crisis of you leaving is averted. The piece that can be different is that your company is less likely to see you as “disloyal” (a ridiculous concept regardless) — but you should weight the other factors pretty heavily.

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