my coworker calls me his “work wife,” talking to my boss about how she treats my coworker, and more

I’m off for the holiday. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My coworker calls me his “work wife”

A couple of months ago, I joined a new team at work, in a role that is somewhat isolated from the rest of the group. So I was glad when another junior staff member who had joined the team a bit earlier reached out and showed me the ropes. As we grew more friendly, we also started sitting next to one another (our office has open seating with no assigned desks), and chatting occasionally during the day. Our remarks were always casual, and though they were not strictly work-related, we never discussed deep or personal topics. So, I was surprised when one day, he began referring to me as his “work wife.”

At first, it was simply in reference to that fact that someone had sat at the desk I usually claimed, breaking up our “marriage.” But in the next few days, he repeated the comment a couple times, once to another colleague. The term “work wife” makes me uncomfortable as it overstates our relationship, and may have a dubious connotation. As a young woman, I worry that it may undermine my professionalism. On the other hand, this colleague uses the term so casually that I don’t think he means anything by it. He is also on my level and does not work on any of the same projects as me, so there is no threat to my performance here.

Am I right to find the term “work wife” strange or is it actually commonly accepted? Either way, how do you think I should proceed here? I don’t want to alienate one of my only friends on my team by bringing this up as some kind of big problem or having a serious talk, but I would rather not deal with these comments.

It’s a common enough term (along with “work husband” and “work spouse”) to refer to someone at work who you’re close with and get along with uncommonly well (and can be same sex or opposite sex), although it sounds like he’s using it where the relationship doesn’t really warrant it. Either way, though, you don’t have to like it and you’re allowed to tell him to stop.

It would be fine to say something to your coworker like, “Hey, I don’t love that term. Let’s just say ‘coworkers.’”

– 2018

2. Can I talk to my boss about how she’s treating my coworker?

A colleague of mine — let’s call her Sarah — just got promoted to the level of supervisor, moving above myself and two other colleagues. This was a bit of a surprise to us all. Sarah hasn’t had any management experience, and she’s clearly trying to feel out her role. We all used to be very good friends when we were at the same level, but now that she’s a supervisor, she’s doing her best to be an appropriate and respectable authority. I’m not new to a change like this, so I’m trying to give her the gravitas she seems to crave at the moment.

However, one of the people still at my level — let’s call her Heather — is really struggling. She is relatively new to our office and for most of her time here, she and Sarah have been good friends, and now the power dynamic has changed. Additionally, Sarah is coming down hard on Heather. I’m not privy to their conversations, but it’s very clear that Heather is just not doing anything right by Sarah, and Sarah is hounding Heather about every finite detail of her work. It’s really creating animosity in the office.

Is there any way to speak to Sarah about this? I value Sarah’s work and her effort — she does a good job, and she deserved to get this position. But by puffing her chest and trying to establish herself as an authority, her subordinates (me included) are losing faith in her actions. Is there a way to speak with Sarah, on the level, and let her know that she needs to find a new approach?

Well … it’s actually possible that there are real problems with Heather’s work, and that Sarah’s oversight and feedback to her is appropriate. That’s something you wouldn’t necessarily know.

But it’s also true that it’s common for new managers to struggle with authority and be either too lenient or too hard on people. Of course, talking about that might not go well with someone who’s already getting hung up on “I’m now the boss and demand respect.”

But if you have pretty good rapport with Sarah, you might be able to frame it not as “hey, you’re being too hard on Heather” (because you don’t actually know that) but as “this is being perceived in a way that’s freaking people out.” For instance: “I’m glad you got this promotion; you deserved it. I want to let you know that I’m getting the sense the team is starting to worry about what’s going on with you and Heather because it seems like you’re coming down really hard on her. I know we don’t know everything that’s going on, but the pieces that we can see are making people worry that you’re being too harsh. I’m not suggesting that you need to change that; for all I know, it could be perfectly warranted and that’s not information I would be privy to. But I wanted you to know how it’s being perceived, in case you didn’t intend that or don’t want that.”

When you say this, your tone shouldn’t be “you need to change this.” You want it to convey “I respect you and this is your call; I’m just giving you information that might be helpful to you.”

– 2017

3. Two employees don’t want to share anything from their continuing education classes

I am the director of a department over approximately 15-20 individuals who almost all hold professional licenses. These licenses have to be renewed annually (typically 20 hours or so of CEUs). We have a policy in place stating that we are happy to pay for your required CEUs, but ask that you give a brief overview of your course/ seminar upon your return.

Two of my employees have scoffed at this and asked that we remove the policy. They state that they do not have the time do get a presentation together and present it on top of their regular work. I stated that we aren’t asking for a PowerPoint presentation, just a brief “please tell your colleagues (not the entire organization, only a handful of people) what the conference/ seminar was about and how it might help us at this organization.” I stated it could be nothing more than a few minutes either during the weekly meeting or maybe a lunch and learn type thing.

They are still rebelling. They stated that they would rather pay for the CEUs themselves and take a vacation day than have to give any presentation. I’m inclined to still enforce the policy and pay for the classes 1) out of consistency to everyone and 2) because their work (intellectual or otherwise) does technically belong to us. Am I being too stubborn? Isn’t it fair to ask any employee to briefly tell their boss what they learned at a seminar? These employees between work 8-4:30 Monday through Friday. They are rarely asked to work over or on the weekends. Both are good at their jobs, but never go above or beyond.

No, you’re not being too stubborn. What you’re asking for is reasonable and really normal, and you’re entitled to hold firm on it. But first, talk to them and see if you can find out more about what’s at the root of their objections. Make sure that they understand that you’re just asking for an informal few minutes at a regular meeting, and that it shouldn’t require more than a few minutes of prep time. If they do understand that, say this: “I’m having trouble understanding why you object to this, since it isn’t a significant time commitment. Can you help me understand what you find objectionable about this?”

If they still don’t want to do it and can’t explain why, it’s reasonable for you to say, “This is something that we ask of all employees who do CEUs, and it’s part of collaborating with colleagues. So I do want you to do it, but if you have trouble figuring out what you’d like to share, let me know and we can brainstorm together.”

Read an update to this letter here.

– 2017

4. My office posted “no complaining” posters

My workplace recently put up these posters around the office in an attempt to… Well, I guess their hope is to improve morale in the long run. I find it condescending, but I’m not sure if that’s fair or if the generally low moral here is clouding my judgment.

The posters say: “The No Complaining Rule: Employees are not allowed to mindlessly complain to their coworkers. If they have a problem or complaint about their job, their company, their customer, or anything else, they are encouraged to bring the issue to their manager or someone who is in a position to address the complaint. However, the employees must share one or two possible solutions to their complaint as well.” Then there’s a graphic of two people holding a sign that says “stay positive.”

What are your thoughts?

Yeah, it’s ridiculously inept and a bit patronizing. If there’s a morale problem where people are doing a lot of complaining, you fix that by addressing whatever the underlying causes are, not by trying to silence people. And I’m on board with “hey, you should talk to people who can actually change the thing you’re complaining about,” but the effective way to convey that to people is by talking to them one-on-one and showing you’ll giving them a fair hearing, not by posting juvenile signs. (And really, you can’t ask employees to act like adults while simultaneously posting childish signs to communicate with them.)

I’m also a fan of encouraging people to share solutions to problems, but not every problem can be solved at the employee level.

On top of all that, this runs afoul of the National Labor Relations Act, which makes it illegal for employers to prohibit employees from talking to each other about working conditions.

– 2017

5. Does a fast rejection mean I did something wrong?

I’m a freelancer who’s been struggling to transition back to more traditional employment. I have a lot of anxiety about my employability —my field is very competitive. But I’m proud of the work I’ve done.

I recently applied to a dream job. It’s for a company I’ve done freelance work for. I have a good relationship with the person I’ve done work for there. I know and respect a lot of people at the company. I know I’d be great at the job. I asked around to make sure it wasn’t a job they already had someone in mind for but had to post an ad for anyway. It’s not the first time I’ve applied to this same company — it’s somewhere I’d really like to work. So I thought I’d covered all of my bases.

I got a rejection email three days after submitting my application. The job posting only went up less than two weeks ago, and it’s still up. I’ve gotten a lot of rejections over the years, but this was by far the fastest. The position didn’t get filled.

I feel like I must have done something horribly wrong to have been rejected that quickly. I have no idea what it could be. Is there some way I could find out? A rejection is a rejection — I have no interest in challenging it. But if I did something in my application bad enough to warrant such an immediate response, I don’t want to do it again. Does this mean I shouldn’t apply to the company again? What can I do? What should I do?

Some rejections do get sent that quickly and it doesn’t mean that you’ve done anything wrong or that you’re horribly unqualified. Sometimes there’s just a particular qualification they’re looking for where you’re not as competitive, and that’s not always clear from the ad. Sometimes the person doing the initial screening isn’t as aligned with the hiring manager as they should be about what they’re looking for. Sometimes they’ve screened you previously and determined you weren’t quite right then, and are sticking with that decision now even if they shouldn’t. And sometimes it can even be a mistake. (But on its own, three days doesn’t mean anything. Employers typically know if they’re rejecting you within about a minute; rejections take longer simply because they’re not reviewing applications daily or they wait a polite amount of time before sending the notice.)

But since you know people there and have worked with them before, there’s no harm in sending a note to a contact who you’d talked to about the job, saying something like, “I wanted to let you know I did end up applying for the X position. I got a note pretty quickly saying I wasn’t being considered, which is disappointing but I’m sure you have lots of great candidates. In any case, thanks for talking with me about it!” That way, if the person feels strongly you should be given more consideration, they have the opportunity to raise that internally.

– 2020

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