will my angry work friend harm my reputation?

A reader writes:

I’ve become very good friends both in and out of work with a small group of colleagues (four total). This question is about one of them, Samantha.

Samantha has always been a bit dry and sarcastic in her sense of humor. Over the past several months, however, she has become increasingly, well, mean.

Samantha is shockingly blunt in meetings, often pulls faces that show her keen displeasure, and has been condescending (in person and in emails) to support staff. While she is sometimes right in her complaints, her delivery is frankly atrocious. While everyone complains about work, she seems to really hate it here. At the same time, though, we work in a niche, prestigious field, and I think she derives much of her identity from that, so I don’t see her leaving.

She’s become so deeply unpleasant to be around that I’ve taken to avoiding her at work. She’s been better in social situations outside of work, thankfully, so our friendship remains mostly intact. However, I worry that as she burns her reputation to the ground at work, mine is going to be collateral damage, as most people know that we are close friends.

Is this something worth talking to my manager about? Samantha doesn’t report to her, so I don’t know what she’d be able to do, but I’ve also worked so incredibly hard to get where I am, and I also don’t want people to think I endorse Samantha’s behavior.

Can you talk to Samantha instead?

You describe her as a good friend, so is there room to sit down with her and say something like, “You seem really unhappy at work, to the point that I think it’s affecting how you’re perceived, and it’s making it hard to spend time around you at work. You’re not like that outside of our jobs, and I didn’t know if you knew how noticeable it’s become.” You could say you’re worried about the ramifications for her professionally, but you’re also worried about her as a friend.

I don’t think you need to talk to your manager about it unless you’ve seen signs that the two of you are seen a unit in some way.

It is true that if you’re known to be good friends with someone who is A Problem, their reputation can sometimes rub off on you. It’s most likely to happen if you’re seen to be following their lead, even in minor ways — like if someone overhears you complaining to/with them (even if it would be seen as less weighty if you were blowing off steam with someone else), or if you seem to fight each other’s battles. And one trap to particularly watch out for is if you’re trying to support her as a friend by saying sympathetic-sounding things, but it sounds to someone overhearing as if you’re agreeing with her.

But if you avoid those things and you make a point of being scrupulously professional and you’re reasonably upbeat and otherwise un-Samantha, your manager is going to be able to tell that you’re two different people.

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