my obsessive, volatile coworker is demanding mediation with me

A reader writes:

A new grad (“Eva”) joined our team about six months ago. She had previously interned with us and had really impressed us with her knowledge, efficiency, and proactive approach.

As a seasoned member of the team, I went out of my way to be kind, helpful, and patient with Eva as she learned the ropes. She had tons of questions, which is to be expected at first. However, things started to sour when she began messaging me non-stop about things unrelated to work and excessively badmouthing another coworker, even calling him vulgar names (on the company’s internal messaging platform!). I began to feel that Eva’s messages were crossing a major line and asked her to stop with the name-calling, but she didn’t.

Even after several months on the job, she was still calling me three to four times per hour with questions which she could easily look up with company-wide resources. I started lying and saying I was busy on another line, which I hoped would nudge her towards more independent problem-solving, but to no avail. I also asked my other coworkers if they were having similar experiences with Eva, but they all said she barely interacted with them except when absolutely necessary.

At this point, I intentionally started to make myself less available. I would ignore most messages Eva sent me at work, as well as her frequent attempts to contact me outside of work via text. She didn’t get the hint and started trying to get my attention by telling me random work-related anecdotes that were outrageously false and completely unrelated to anything we were working on at the time. It was really confusing and just … odd.

Recently we were assigned a week-long project, which required us to work in the same room with a few other coworkers instead of in our separate offices. I noticed on the first day that she kept walking behind me to look at my computer screen and read my messages. They were strictly work-related so I had nothing to hide, but it made me uncomfortable.

About halfway through the week, she once again tried to strike up a conversation by making a wildly untrue assertion about our workplace closing on certain days (we’re open 24/7). I couldn’t contain my bewilderment at this point, and messaged another coworker across the room, “Why is she telling me about this?”

Unbeknownst to me, Eva unfortunately saw that message. Over the next few days, she started having seemingly unprovoked violent outbursts, slamming things on her desk and yelling profanities at other coworkers and even some of our vendors. One coworker was so concerned about this work environment that he brought it to our manager’s attention.

Finally, the coworker who I had messaged about Eva’s random anecdote (who I’ve been close with for many years and who had shared his own frustrations about Eva with me before) told me that Eva was telling everyone she saw the message and was calling me “two-faced.” Now she’s requesting a formal face-to-face meeting with me, moderated by our manager, to address it.

What is the best way to approach this meeting with a coworker who seems to be showing obsessive tendencies towards me? Won’t it just reinforce her belief that she’s entitled to my time and attention? Given the nature of her outbursts, would it be unreasonable to tell my manager I’m concerned for my own well-being at this point?

It would not be unreasonable to tell your manager that you’re concerned for your safety. Eva is displaying what sounds like obsessive behavior toward you, and it’s turning aggressively hostile now that she feels you don’t like her.

Talk to your manager privately, before this meeting with Eva happens. Tell her that Eva has been calling you three to four times per hour, texting you outside of work with obviously false anecdotes, and generally paying you an uncomfortable and unwelcome amount of attention, and in the last week it’s transitioned to violence outbursts and yelling profanity. Let her know other coworkers and even your vendors have witnessed this.

Tell her you don’t feel safe around Eva, definitely aren’t comfortable participating in a formal meeting with Eva to address her feelings and worry it will exacerbate things further, and in fact are asking your manager to intervene because this has gone beyond anything you can field on your own, and Eva is making everyone’s work environment feel volatile and unsafe.

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