Raise the kids you have

When I hosted a client dinner honoring my good friends Jules Kroll and his extraordinary wife Lynn, I did not expect to get one of the best bits of life advice I’d ever heard. Jules and Lynn met in college about 65 years ago and raised four wonderful children together. Toward the end of dinner someone asked, “How do you raise good kids?”

Lynn, an amazing force of nature, answered swiftly: “You need to raise the children you have—not the ones you would have liked to have.” 

I was stunned by the clarity and simplicity of what she said and haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

LEARN THE HARD WAY AS A PARENT

My father died when I was five. My family situation was complicated and for as long as I can remember, I dreamed of building the perfect family. I’m not ashamed to admit that I picked out my children’s names when I was in middle school and had a very detailed picture of the way their lives would unfold: their education, sports they’d play, and how they’d spend family time.

This fantasy—my plan—was so clear. All I had to do as a parent was to guide them and inspire them, to fill them with my ideas and mold them into this perfect vision.

And then life happened. I could choose their names, but it turns out my children came up with their unique aspirations and expectations, experienced hopes and challenges, and made their own plans. They taught me that I could not have gotten it more wrong: My pre-fatherhood understanding of parenting was totally upside down.

What my children needed—what they still need—is to find their own way based on their quirks, desires, interests, passions, and needs. And my job was and will always be to see precisely who they are, to meet them exactly where they are, and to love them unconditionally.

Beyond keeping our children safe, parenthood is about supporting them on their own path as they make their mistakes, push through struggles, and grow into who they are supposed to be. And by the way, their ideas and paths are wonderful in more ways than I could have ever envisioned.

THE LEADERSHIP LESSON HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT

Lynn’s advice turned out to be more than great parenting advice: It is also savvy management advice. “Love the company you have, not the one you would have loved to have” really speaks to entrepreneurs and CEOs, as well. Like a child, your company is not a straightforward implementation of your plans. You need to observe how it evolves and support it on its journey. In the words of Rumi: “As you start to walk on the way, the way appears.”

When a founder starts a company, everything is possible (just as a baby represents limitless potential). And then you start getting to know the actual company you are running. Sometimes it is palatable to investors as is, most of the time it is not (or at least not yet). Within the first couple of years, you get to know the real market, your customers, and how to differentiate with tougher than anticipated competition. You establish a team, inspire the company culture, and demonstrate leadership.

If anyone expects their team to be perfect as envisioned, they are doomed to fail. You must see your company for what it really is, what your team members need from you, and what’s possible. Provide the vision, passion, and empower others to make your company the very best version of itself.

REALIZE THE COMPANY THAT YOU HAVE

Four years after launching Capitolis, we achieved the holy grail of marketing: a feature article in The Wall Street Journal. It felt so good to be recognized and that recognition was a dream come true for me. And then, it almost destroyed the company!

The piece was misunderstood and misconstrued by many. What we do is sufficiently complex and nuanced that communications needed to be much more careful despite my dream feature. Since and because of that near debacle, our choices have been about “what is the right marketing approach for this particular company?” or “what is the right sales approach for Capitolis as it exists right now?”

The same principle goes with the people we hire, the investors and partners we seek, and every aspect of how we are building the company.

I am running a fintech company, a space that I love, one that matters and has been so good to me for the past 25 years. And my role and passion is to love, lead, and support this particular company and team to be the best version of ourselves.

I find myself quoting Lynn at least once a week to people: to parents and friends, to colleagues and other entrepreneurs, and to CEOs (and very recently over lunch to her son, my friend Jeremy). Her call to face reality, and show up with humility, dedication, strength, courage, and love, to work with the actual human or company you are dealing with, is something that serves all of us and the people around us.

Capitolis is a very successful company with tremendous growth opportunities and a bright future. We are a unicorn, and I believe we will grow many times over from here only if I raise the company I have, as Lynn beautifully advised.

Gil Mandelzis is founder and CEO of Capitolis.

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