my managers are dating, and they’re collaborating on my disciplinary process

A reader write:

I’ve been subject to our disciplinary process at work for the last two months, relating to issues such as “forgot to fill in a spreadsheet” and “didn’t ask for help quickly enough,” among other claims that all compound each other (one issue caused another, etc.). I have provided context during the disciplinary process and flagged that while I don’t disagree that there are occasional issues with my work, I would have expected it to be raised informally first (they went immediately to a disciplinary process while threatening dismissal).

My supervisor, Linda, has provided a number of the allegations and supporting evidence (screenshots of personal chats, etc.) to our manager, Steven, who instigated the disciplinary process (and has never liked me nor wanted me in the role). So I’ve been aware that Linda and Steven are spearheading this. During the disciplinary process, I also flagged a couple of instances where I felt Linda’s tone was hostile, and Steven shot that down, calling me defensive towards her hostility.

I’ve since come to find out that Linda and Steven are dating, and have been for three months, which is about as far back as my disciplinary allegations go.

Our company has no formal policy against dating, but they’re manager and subordinate and both oversee me and my work. They’ve collaborated on these disciplinary claims against me, shot down my complaints about each of them, and all the while never mentioned to me that they were dating! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Apparently, everyone knew except me, so I have no one I can trust to speak to about this.

I’m due to have a meeting with our form of HR regarding the disciplinary process (and valid complaints I’ve raised about Steven’s conduct, which is another letter in itself) and have no idea how to broach this subject. Doesn’t this constitute conflict of interest at the very least, and conspiracy to force me out of the job at the very most?

Conspiracy to force you out of a job isn’t really a thing. I mean, it could very well be that they’ve decided they don’t want you in the job anymore and are laying the groundwork to fire you, but that could be a legitimate managerial function and isn’t an HR offense on its own, unless they’re lying about their concerns with your work or targeting you for discriminatory reasons (like race or disability or another protected class).

But it is a conflict of interest for Steven to be the person fielding complaints about Linda, since they’re dating. It’s also very much a conflict of interest for him to be dating someone he manages, and it’s outrageous that your company permits that, if in fact they do. (They might not! Not having a formal policy on dating doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be okay with a manager dating someone who reports to them, and let’s hope they won’t.)

But if the complaints Steven and Linda are raising about your work are real ones, you’re probably not going to get far arguing that they should have raised those concerns informally first. They should have! But at this point, they’ve already kicked off a disciplinary process, and it does make sense that your manager and supervisor would be collaborating on that, since that’s what normally should happen when there are concerns with someone’s work.

The complicating factor is that it feels personal and this all only came up when they started dating. Now, maybe there are legitimate reasons for that — maybe Linda has had ongoing concerns about your work and shared them with Steven when they started spending more time together, and Steven pointed out that the company has processes for handling those concerns, and that’s what kicked this all off. It still not great (if nothing else, it says they weren’t managing effectively before!) but not nefarious, and that’s not necessarily the sort of thing HR would intervene in.

Still, though, at a minimum this all feels very messy, Steven shouldn’t be fielding complaints about someone he’s dating, and HR should be told about their relationship if they don’t already know.

So I think the messaging you want for HR is: “My understanding is that Steven and Linda are dating, their concerns about my work seem to date from the start of their personal relationship, and I’m concerned that the way they’re managing me is being governed by their personal relationship with each other rather than than their professional one with me. Also, before I was aware they were dating, I shared concerns with Steven about Linda and he shot them down; I later found out they were already dating when that happened, and I’m concerned it’s a conflict of interest for him to be the person fielding complaints about someone he’s in a romantic relationship with.”

HR should be concerned about this, and they should step in to ensure the process (and your management in general) is being handled impartially and professionally. Whether they will or not depends heavily on how your company operates and how much capital Steven and Linda have.

No matter how that goes, though, this doesn’t seem like a situation that’s likely to end well for you and — unless HR is horrified, particularly about Steven dating a subordinate, and immediately swings into action — I would be focusing most of your energy on getting out. I’m sorry!

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