I’m worried a former coworker is an alcoholic, interviewing with facial piercings and unnatural hair colors, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I’m worried a former coworker is an alcoholic

I used to work as a heavy-duty mechanic before going back to school. I met my partner at this job and I stayed in contact with a colleague (Carl) who recently turned 40. Because Carl’s original plans for his birthday fell through, some colleagues organized a get-together instead (we ended up being eight people total). One of the organizers, Parker, is a satellite worker (90 minutes away), but he’s friends with Carl and they see each other outside of work, have shared friends, etc. I didn’t have much contact with Parker while I was still working there and none since I left, but he was a good coworker and I like him.

Here’s what I’m worried about: I think Parker is abusing alcohol quite badly. At the get-together, Parker got (literally) falling-down drunk. At one point I had a very circular conversation with him (“So what are you doing now anyway?” “let me tell you about my hobby!” “I LOVE this song, do you know this song?” – “hey, so what are you doing now?”), he wanted me to turn on music with his car keys (which he obviously didn’t get back), and he did indeed fall down several times. If I hadn’t known for sure that he wouldn’t spend the night alone (Carl and Parker both slept over at the place where we gathered), I would’ve insisted on taking him home with us.

I would like to think this was a one-off, which wouldn’t have been great but also very much none of my business. However, I’d been told stories after weekend and festival trips (which weren’t surprising given the general proclivity of heavy-duty mechanics, and to be honest I took them as somewhat exaggerated) and Carl wasn’t surprised by how the evening went either. All in all, I am more than a little concerned about him.

Now, I don’t know Parker well and I don’t have his number (although I could probably get it), plus I was only ever a (younger) colleague – and I left more than year ago! So I don’t think I have much standing to raise the issue, let alone press it. At the same time, it doesn’t feel right to not say something. I will talk this through with my partner once he’s back from his work trip, but the only thing I can come up with is having a chat (once!) with Carl about my concerns.

Is there anything you can think of doing in a situation like this? We’re not in the U.S. and don’t have the equivalent of an EAP, nor did I ever get the impression that Parker would drink at or before work, although I could of course be wrong about that.

Yes, unfortunately you aren’t well-positioned to raise the issue with Parker: you’re not close, you don’t still work together, and haven’t had any contact with him since you left other than at this one event. If all of those apply to your partner too, he’s not well-positioned to raise it either. But your instinct that Carl is makes sense, since they’re friends. You can certainly mention to Carl that you’re concerned Parker is abusing alcohol to a harmful degree and suggest that he consider talking with him. But that’s really the limit of what you’re going to be able to do.

Related:
I think my coworker is an alcoholic

2. Telling a coworker to stop commenting on my appearance (nicely)

I’m looking for a script for how to kindly but clearly convey to a coworker that I don’t want him to comment on my appearance.

When I joined my team about two years ago, my coworker Gary was assigned to help train me, and our work still overlaps to the point that we interact daily. Gary is very friendly and usually stops by my cubicle in the mornings to say hi. I get the impression he is attempting to connect and make conversation, but his default has become to comment on what I am wearing or my appearance. If I wear a yellow shirt, he jokingly shields his eyes and comments on how bright it is. If I wear my hair in a claw clip, he’ll say I look like a teacher that day. Once he asked if I was wearing a new shirt (I was — who notices things like that?!). He also tends to stand pretty close to my chair on these visits, closer than I am comfortable with. It’s not overtly rude, but it is unwelcome. I only respond with a neutral reaction (“Oh!”) or redirect the conversation to try and let the topic die. And, of course, l am the youngest woman on the team and nobody else is the recipient of these comments.

Gary is someone who does not pick up on social cues readily and likely has no idea how this behavior is coming across (and other coworkers have also noted it). When these morning chats happen, they are within earshot of our colleagues, and I would like to be ready with a direct but friendly response that doesn’t turn the interaction into fodder for office drama. I realize I should have addressed it long ago, except I’ve decided my discomfort from these interactions is more tolerable than the anticipated discomfort of bringing it up to him. I think there is potential for this to be resolved amicably; I just need the confidence and a line to have at the ready!

“I really don’t like having my clothes or hair commented on — would you mind not? Thank you!” Say it cheerfully and then change the subject to something else, which will demonstrate that you are perfectly willing to continue with a warm relationship but expect your request to be complied with.

If he does it again after that: “Hey, like I said before, please don’t comment on my clothes or hair. It makes me really uncomfortable. Thank you.” This time, maybe don’t follow up with another topic; let him deal with the awkwardness of the moment since he wasn’t respectful enough to listen to you the first time. (And if you feel bad about making things awkward, keep in mind that he has been making things awkward for you this entire time, and you’ve already asked him to cut it out.)

If he’s genuinely a kind and well-meaning person, he will do what you’ve asked. If it still keeps happening after this, he’s not kind and well-meaning and you have a different problem on your hands — but hopefully you’re right about his character and this will take care of it.

3. Interviewing with facial piercings and unnatural hair colors

I’m a social worker in the process of applying for medical social work positions. I’m transitioning from the field of substance use social work, which is a field so comfortable with alternative styles that I could probably have a face tattoo and not have to worry about it affecting my employment. This has worked in my favor as someone with unnaturally colored hair and a handful of facial piercings, including a bridge piercing which I think would be considered too much in most work environments, even less conservative ones where nostril piercings and unnatural hair color would be acceptable.

But I know that there are large differences from hospital to hospital in what is considered to be within dress code when it comes to hair color, piercings, and tattoos. What would be the most graceful way to handle this during interviews? Should I ask about dress code up-front in interviews? Should I share what changes to my appearance I am willing to make in the interview? I am currently planning on not removing the piercings during interviews and waiting until I have been confirmed to have a position where they are not permitted, but is even that something that may hurt my chances?

The most cautious route is to take the piercings out for interviews and then, once you have an offer, ask about their policy on piercings at that point. That way, if someone does object, you’re removing any chances of unconscious bias affecting their hiring decision.

But if you don’t want to do that, it’s fine to say something in the interview like, “Obviously I have some piercings and blue hair, which if anything has probably been an advantage in the area I work in now, but I’m willing to alter those if needed in this job.”

4. Should I mention I’m not part of the minority group that the job I’m applying for would serve?

I’m applying for a job that serves a specific minority group of which I am not a member. Is there anything I should consider as I go through this process? Should I mention it in a phone interview (it’s not obvious over the phone or from my application that I don’t belong to this group) or address it if I’m offered an in-person interview (where it will be obvious)?

Everyone on their website in leadership is a member of the minority group they serve, and I’m sure they would prefer a member of this group to fill this role. However, I’m genuinely interested in this role and in serving this community and the job requires specific qualifications such that they may not be able to field a decent pool of applicants from this one group.

No, you shouldn’t announce that you’re not a member of the minority group they serve. You’re not hiding it; you just don’t need to declare it. It’s very common for people to work in roles that assist minority groups that they themselves are not part of, so you don’t need to call it out.

However, ideally you’d say something about why you’re excited to do this work / work with this community, and if you have anything in your work history that connects to that, mention that too (not necessary, just helpful if you do).

5. Work feels unsustainable for my health

I’ve been dealing with mysterious and undiagnosed health issues for most of my life. I’ve tried for decades to find some kind of diagnosis or treatment, but haven’t had much success being taken seriously.

This has become more of a problem with my work life as I’ve gotten older. I feel like I’m constantly walking a tightrope between working enough to keep my job and taking enough sick time to avoid completely destroying my health.

I don’t think my actual work quality has suffered so far. But I’m definitely edging toward an unacceptable amount of work from home and sick days. I’m constantly afraid that my employer is going to get stricter about working in-office because my health may not be able to handle that.

I’m lucky in many ways. My manager has been supportive, and I am part of a union. In theory I have access to generous sick leave. But my employer can take hard stances on in-person time, and without a diagnosis, I don’t think I can ask for accommodations. (I would need a doctor’s note for that.)

I guess I’m writing because I feel extremely stuck. I like my job and feel I’d be worse off elsewhere. But I feel like the current system is unsustainable for my health and it’s causing me a lot of stress. I’d be grateful for anything that would make the situation a little easier.

You don’t need a specific diagnosis to request accommodations! Documentation from your doctor can just cover the functional limitations that impact your work and outline the accommodations needed to allow you to do your job. Talk to your doctor and figure out what kinds of accommodations would make it easier for you to do your job, and then talk to your company!

The post I’m worried a former coworker is an alcoholic, interviewing with facial piercings and unnatural hair colors, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

View the full article