update: anti-vax employee is pressuring a coworker not to vaccinate her baby

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This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

Remember the letter-writer whose anti-vax employee was pressuring a coworker not to vaccinate her baby? Here’s the update.

I really appreciated your advice and several of the thoughts from the commenters as well.

I have weekly one-on-ones with each member of my team, so after reading your response, I used that next meeting with Cordelia as an opportunity to step in, after taking care of our usual business.

I used the framing about how if the roles were reversed, if Dawn didn’t want to vaccinate and someone was pressuring her to, I would need to shut that conversation down, because Dawn deserves to be able to come to work and not be questioned or hassled about any or all of her medical decisions … just like you, Cordelia. I would never let anyone pressure you or give you a hard time about not getting vaccinated, and now I need you to give your coworker that same respect.

She teared up and said, “I just wish someone would have told me not to give my little boy all of those poisonous shots; he would still be alive now,” and then started sobbing. It was horrible.

I gave her some tissues and a little bit of time. After a reasonable amount of time, I told her that I understood that Dawn’s pregnancy might have brought up a lot of really hard and painful memories for her, and that I was ready to support her in any way that was reasonable, but that did not and could not include pressuring Dawn in any way. She nodded and said that she understood.

At this point, there were less than 30 minutes left in the workday, and I asked if she wanted to go ahead and leave a little bit early. She agreed, got her coat, and left work.

I stayed at my desk for a few more minutes to steady myself. (I am not someone who typically makes other people cry, and even though I knew I was doing the right thing, it was still deeply unpleasant.) Once I felt like myself again, I went to Dawn’s desk to check in with her.

After asking if she was okay, I said that I’m sure she had already noticed that pregnant women often get a lot of unsolicited advice and information, and that if she was ever feeling pressured or harassed by a coworker to please let me know, because that wasn’t acceptable at work. She said, “Oh, that’s why Cordelia was upset? Thanks for talking to her. I really appreciate it.” I told her I was happy to do it, that it was my job, and that I was sorry it had taken me so long to notice and put a stop to it originally, but that if there were any further issues, please let me know right away. We had our regularly scheduled one-on-one two days later, and I reiterated this point, but she said everything was good.

Cordelia has seemed more or less like her usual gregarious self since them. The three of them have continued to have lunch together most days and as far as I can tell without truly egregious eavesdropping haven’t been talking about anything more serious than the weather (very cold), Taylor Swift (very talented), and Willow’s new haircut (very cute).

Dawn is just a few weeks away from going on her maternity leave, and is as happy, anxious, excited, and exhausted as you might expect. As far as I can tell, this particular issue is entirely resolved.

Also? Thank goodness for this blog! I am someone who ended up in this role because I was very good at doing the work that Cordelia, Willow, and Dawn are doing, so I guess my bosses figured that I would be naturally good at supervising people doing that same work. But I don’t have any previous experience with managing people, and even with just three people, it is really HARD; it doesn’t come naturally to me at all. I’m very thankful to have this collection of good advice to read, and when push really came to shove, to be able to ask my specific question. Thanks again!

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