my boss asked the life expectancy of my terminally ill father

A reader writes:

My father is terminally ill with cancer. I was clear when I disclosed his diagnosis to my boss that I did not want to tell anyone else at work and didn’t want to talk about it.

I try to maintain a surface-level friendly relationship with my boss, but I have observed him being really bothered by other people’s boundaries if they are not the boundaries he would choose for himself. He seems to feel entitled to know his employees’ personal business, and he’s not someone I want to share my most personal business with.

In our weekly calls (I work remote), he continues to ask me about my dad, including detailed questions about his diagnosis and treatment. It is distressing to me. Yesterday he asked me in so many words how long my dad has to live. I was stunned (and furious) and after a pause said, “I have not been involved in those conversations.”

He has told me several times he thinks I should tell the internal business partners I work with about my dad’s diagnosis so they will be “easier” on me or extend deadlines. (So far, in the few weeks since I told my boss about the diagnosis, I have taken two days off, no work has fallen behind, and I have not asked him for assistance with my workload.)

He said if he has to reassign any of my work, he’d have to let my coworkers know why. He has said multiple times that because I’m already remote, I can work from anywhere and go be with my parents anytime (they live two hours away). The last time he said that, I told him that even if I wanted to work while with my parents, I couldn’t because I was busy caretaking and giving my mother respite. (I have been approved for intermittent FMLA leave through our third party administrator.)

How do I bring up to my boss, or do I let HR do it, that he is not entitled to this information about my family and can’t require me to tell others and to stop asking?

In the five years I’ve reported to him, my reviews have been good and I have been given title promotions (including since going remote), annual raises, and recently discretionary bonuses. That being said, I’ve never made a real fuss or complaint about anything and, because of my experience witnessing how he responds to criticism or feedback or personal differences, I am concerned about retaliation. I am particularly concerned because he frequently says how he and the department director don’t like remote work and I’m a “special” case (the way he says it, it comes across as if he resents it). I was originally in-office but when I moved for personal reasons, the department director allowed me to go remote. I visit the office a few times a year and occasionally travel for work. Many people in the company work remote but it just happens to be unusual for my department and I’m the only one.

The company is large, but our department is small. Because I’m not qualified for or interested in working in a different department, my getting away from this boss while still staying in my company is very unlikely.

Despite his behaviors, I don’t have to interact with him much and the rest of my job is good, so I just want the intrusive questions and exhortations to share my personal business to stop.

I’m sorry about your dad! And I’m sorry your boss is making an already difficult time even harder.

The next time he asks about your dad, try saying this: “Thanks for asking, but I’d rather not talk about it at work so I can stay focused on our projects! If anything changes that affects work, I will let you know.”

And then if he keeps asking anyway: “I really prefer not to talk about it at work since it’s upsetting, but I’ll let you know when there’s something you need to know. Thanks for understanding.” (Obviously this is not something you should need to say twice, but clearly with your boss it might be.)

You could also try, “I know it comes from a place of care, but I’d be grateful if you didn’t check in about the situation — it’s rough to think about at work.” (It does not actually seem like it comes from a place of care, but sometimes it’s useful to signal what you’d normally expect from a fellow human.)

If he tells you again that you should tell colleagues about the situation so they can adjust their expectations of you, you can say, “Right now, it’s not affecting my deadlines or availability, but if that changes, I will make sure people have any context they need.” And if that time comes, “any context they need” does not need to mean a full rundown on the situation! It’s okay to say, “I’ll be out because of a family health issue” or “a family emergency” or whatever you’re comfortable sharing. And if your boss does end up needing to reassign any of your work down the road, you should proactively tell him that you’d prefer he simply say “a family emergency” or “a death in the family” or whatever you are comfortable with.

It is very, very unlikely that handling things this way will cause your boss to retaliate against you! If that happens, you can certainly talk to HR, and the fact that you’ve arranged for FMLA will help because federal law explicitly makes FMLA retaliation illegal. But you’re not making a major fuss over this, just saying, essentially, “This is a tough topic, I can’t talk about it at work, and I’ll let you know when something changes.”

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