my coworker keeps giving me unsolicited advice

A reader writes:

I’m about six months into a job and I’m having an issue with someone on my team, Sally. She is very lovely, kind, and a team player. Our roles are similar, except I am part-time and she is full-time. She’s been in this job for almost 20 years and I think she thinks I’m much more green than I am. While I’m new to my role, I’ve done very similar, and often much more complex, versions of this role at other organizations. Our team’s projects are similar and we help each other as needed, but at the end of the day they are fully owned by each team member.

Sally seems to think there is one right way to do things and only she knows what it is. She seems incapable of talking about my projects with me without giving me unsolicited advice.

She assumes any minor negative thing I share about a project is an invitation to give me advice, and often it’s for the most obvious or little thing! Like, I shared that I had a presenter for clients go over time and I had to cut them off. She then harped on the same strategies I had used as if I hadn’t handled it. This happens all the time. I bring up a slight annoyance or a “not quite to plan” moment that I’ve encountered or even fixed, and she’ll run with it as a “teachable” moment for me. Or, I’ll share how I’ve spoken to a client and she’ll give me advice on what she thinks I should have said, and usually it’s the same information just delivered how she would deliver it. For example, I told a client, “Widget A has these aspects that would suit your needs.” She suggested I should have instead said, “The individual components of widget A would work really well for you.” This rephrasing happens constantly and it feels like she’s trying to push her personality/style on the way I talk. And if I ask her a clarifying question on one aspect of a client communication, she will try to dictate an entire email to me.

Our desks are right next to each other, and we’re both a bit chatty. And in all other ways we have a very friendly relationship! Most of our conversations start because she directly asks how a project went/is going.

How do I kindly get her to back off a bit? I’ve tried just being toxically positive about all of my projects and not sharing anything of substance, but she always asks a ton of follow-up questions or even just gives blanket advice. And you know, sometimes I do just want to share when something didn’t 100% go to plan because that’s the nature of the work we do, and often those minor failures make for good and silly stories!

I recognize that I sought out this role because I had a baby and wanted something low-key, so maybe I’m overly sensitive to her advice because I already feel “overqualified” for my position. But the constant advice is grating, and makes me feel like Sally thinks I can’t handle the work I do or haven’t thought very deeply about it.

You can read my answer to this letter at New York Magazine today. Head over there to read it.

The post my coworker keeps giving me unsolicited advice appeared first on Ask a Manager.

View the full article